Young Writers Society

I liked both of them. I like how the first and last lines are the same. It ties it all together nicely.
I also like how you tie the moon's paleness to a her.
Wonderful work.

Please tell me if this is any better:

Lying alone, pale as the moon,
Thought she was safe but spoke too soon.

Quivering, shivering, curled up in fear,
Awaiting that haunting song she can hear.
It weaves through her mind, whilst dancing the breeze;
Waltzing with shadows cast from dark trees.

And all the time she can hear the cruel beat-
The dim but close echoes of moving feet.

The adrenaline runs, fear floods her brain,
Her sanity lost to the fears of pain.
As the footsteps stop, death's breath hits her face,
And her heart drums a new-found rapid pace.

She opens her eyes, and there she can see
A phantom child drowning in misery.
Its ghostly face bears the grief of its fate:

Thought it was safe but screamed too late!

The child’s mouth slides into a deadly grin-
Corpse almost skeleton, skin and bone thin.
Could the spirit possibly want her dead,
As it watches darkly over her bed?

The girl on the bed, still scared and shaking,
Sees that the song was the spirit’s making.
And so, thinking it safe to close her eyes,
She prepares for sleep but instead she dies.

When she wakes from her ‘slumber’, cold and dead,
She cries out, unseen and chained to her bed.
If only she'd known that to trust a ghost
Brings on the essence of darkness to most.
Now she will learn as she silently screams,
Ghosts come from nightmares and never from dreams.

Lying alone, pale as the moon,
Thought she was safe but spoke too soon.

I liked it. Really, for once I've found something I enjoyed! Particularly that it had a story though at some points it was a little confusing. I also really liked the repetition at the end.

I have some suggestions though. I think this poem would be better if it had verses. I'm not sure how you would make them, whether four lines, or five, or two, but I think it would do better in verse form than in one clump.

Also, the rhyming was perfect, but it would give you an advantage if you had rhythm. Rhythm, in poetry, means having the same number of syllables for each line. In your case, I think you should go with ten syllables (I counted out some lines, the majority were ten) this means you will have a lot of work to do, because you may have to change whole passages to get the rhyming to work while lengthening it. It's very difficult, but well worth it. It's kind of tricky, so if you have any questions about it or need some help figuring out some lines I'd love to help you out, Pm me.

I think in some places you could also fix up the punctuations. Sometimes you should have had commas or periods, where you had nothing. Pretend its all sentences of a story. Makes sure the punctuation makes sense.

But the story was very chilling, you used nice imagery and words. I think if you made the improvements I suggested, this poem could turn out very good. Bravo!

omg thats beautiful honetsly