I groped for my flashlight on the cold floor, barely stifling a curse of frustration. It had gone out on impact with the floor, although I was pretty sure it wasn't broken. I desperately hoped it wasn't broken, anyhow. I'd probably be found by security if it was, and who knows what could have happened afterwards. My hand reached the flashlight, and thankfully, after a few experimental shakes, it began to shine again. I continued walking quietly, stepping lightly so that my shoes wouldn't make noise against the marble floor. Even though I wore a yellow security jacket, if anybody saw me up close or spoke to me I was bound to be discovered. I had no identification badge, was of petite perportions, and my voice was obviously that of a teenage female. Then questions would be asked if I was caught; certainly no human teenager could have gotten past the security successfully.
Human. I gulped, feeling my right ear lightly before letting my hair fall back to cover it again, still holding the dim flashlight in my left hand. That would provide just a few more questions to be asked, and they would probably run tests on my genetic information. Certainly I would make an interesting test subject for their scientific research.
I opened the door to the stairs. After carefully making sure it was closed behind me, I took off the security jacket and turned it inside out, revealing a lining of white fabric on the inside. I put it back on, and buttoned the front of what was now what appeared to be a lab coat, smoothing out the front of the coat rather self-consiously. It was quite a decent disguise, although I'd still be recognised as someone who obviously didn't work in the building.
I scaled the steps quickly, two at a time, the spot of light cast by the flashlight bobbing in front of me. I stopped at the landing on the top, stowing it in my pocket. I placed my tingling hand on the doorknob, took a breath, and slowly opened the door.
I was able to take a quick glance around the lab, eying several bubbling fluids of unnatural colors in flasks, beakers, and test tubes, before I heard a voice.
"What is your name, girl?"
It was not an unkind voice, if not curious as to my purposes here. It was that of a male, probably not much older than me. Late teens, to be sure.
"Lunette," I answered, a lump forming in my throat.
(Comment; not part of the story: If you can guess where I got the idea for this, I'll have to give you a cookie. ^-^)
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Heyy Bri! Nice to see that you FINALLY wrote something, slow much?? 'Kay done with the best friend opinionated comments
...Good job on this, but I have to agree with Twin on this. Describe Lunette a lot more. What is she thinking? You're basically telling us that she is scared of the security guard. Instead, maybe say that she trembles and how her emotions were in a turmoil...Describe her physical features too! Say that the light fell on my brown locks of hair, then maybe : the guard stared into my emerald eyes, trying to determine what I was doing here...Something like that, just describe and develop her character a lot more! Use more big words too, so that it sounds better xD.
fluteluvr77<3
Well, first of all, I've noticed that most of your sentences start with "I". I think it would be a good idea to throw some other words in there and mix it up a bit. (;
I don't really understand that line? I think it would make sense if it were, "It was an unkind, if not curious, voice." But I'm pretty sure that's not the message you were trying to give off. So, I don't know.. I just think it's kind of confusing.
But overall, great plot! I love it!
Hiya! I believe I've seen you on the Welcome forums. Nice to see your stuff!
"The floor" gets a little repetitive here. You could nix it.
I would delete the "have" after could to clear up the tense. Change "happened" to "happen" as well.
Unless it's important for the plot, don't describe what hand somebody is holding something in or which side has something unusual.
I'd delete the comma after "on."
Why would her hand be tingling?
~
So, that's what I found nit-pick wise.
Motivation- We don't get much motivation for the MC to be in the building. Throw in a line as to what she has to find or what she wants to accomplish. It would add another dimension to her character.
Character- We don't get much of a reaction to her being noticed. You could add some more thoughts after she hears the voice, not just her description of it.
World- I find your concept interesting: a half-elf trying to do.... something, in the modern world. I find those stories some of the most interesting. But, as mentioned before, it would be nice to get a hint as to what she is looking for!
Overall- nice work! Let me know when more is up!
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Nope, the plot idea did not come from TEW. No cookie for you today. :3
If I do continue (since several people both here and on DeviantART want me to... o3o), I'll be sure to develop her character more.
Where did I spell proportions wrong?
Yes.
No, it's submitted under fantasy, not sci-fi, I believe.
Heheheheh. :3 You KNOW I'm not that original. Again, I'll have some unique plot elements if I continue.
Thankies.
Hmm... An elf... That might be from TEW? Or am I being an ego-maniac, assuming Lunette might have been built from Callista's bones? And am I getting metaphor crazy now? Yes I am. Onward!
I will nit-pickle this for you.
Hello Bri.
You use "I" way too much when starting sentences, and I sense that there isn't too much character development here. But then again, it is a short, so you know... But still. Remember Parasite? You knew exactly who the character was. You knew how her mind worked (yes, I'm being braggy, but too bad). Here, I don't know your character. Work on it.
Tsk tsk! You spelt proportions wrong!
Lunette! Pfft. You got that naming idea from me, obviously.
Sci-Fi? For reals, Bri? You know I'm not too much of a sci-fi fan...
The plot seems a bit generic. Over-used, if you catch my drift. Non-human teen trying not to get caught among humans. There's millions of these stories, Bri. Originality.
But now I'm being a way-too-brutal best friend. This was a good first draft.
Thanks for your reviews; I really appreciate it. :3 I'll begin fixing some of the things mentioned right now.
As for the "ow" thing, I'd meant to imply that she'd fallen and dropped her flashlight, but I guess I'll change that, as it didn't seem to agree with anybody who reviewed. ^-^
I do read Artemis Fowl, but no, it's not quite where I got the idea from, at least for the plotline. Maybe the fact that she's an elf, though, and that she's unknown to the humans mentioned, was recieved from Artemis Fowl.
wow! I really enjoyed that... I take it Lunette's an elf? This story reminded me of the series of Artemis Fowl! Great job
Does the story continue? Hope it does!
There werent that many mistakes... the 'ow' thing was a bit odd and some other small things but nothing major, just recheck the story and try to think of yourself as someone who has not written it... This helps me alot because it's like you read your work from another persperctive and it shows mistakes you have made.
Modern approach, pretty smooth transitions. Nice, nice. Though your use of adjectives creates some awkward points as mentioned by Pippie. This piece is hard to review because it is so short and I couldn't really find much else wrong with it that hasn't been brought up. You've taken the 'I' route pretty well, keep it up.
This is a good begginning, you've dropped enough hints at unusual things to keep me wanting to read more!
I've got a few comments on possible improvement:
I like how you jump straight in to the story but I'm not keen on the second part of this sentence. Why is she saying ow? I thought she'd only dropped the flashlight, wouldn't it be a curse instead? Something like 'barely stifling a curse at my clumsiness' to me would make more sense.
I got confused here about whether the character is remembering a time in the past and commenting in the present or if there was a mistake in tenses. 'and who knows what would happen after that' or something like that seems to fit in more with the way the rest of the text is written.
I like this sentence! It made me curious- I instantly thought elf as thats the fantasy creature I naturally associate with ears, however I'm not sure about 'running fingers over my right ear'. I think it could be phrased differently, perhaps 'lightly feeling my right ear with my fingertips'.
That would provide just a few more questions and I don't think you need the to be asked bit. Subject for their scientific research instead of of would fit better.
I think you need to add a 'behind me' on the end of this sentence.
This confused me a bit, couldn't you say that it was white on the inside? For instance 'I turned it inside out to reveal the white fabric lining' or 'the white fabric underneath'.
you missed out the r in front.
I'm not sure what you mean by this.
I love that name!
Overall I really enjoyed your story so far! I hope you continue with it as I would definetly like to hear more, hope my comments have helped- they are all just suggestions though
I like the idea you have. It is a nice start also. Although my opinion is that you could work on your sentences a little. For example don't start your sentences with the same words instead try starting them with words ending in "ing" or "ed".
-Jess. B. Hendricks