Hey Shady! I'm here with a review for this piece So my first impression is: Wow.SHADY YOU'RE SUCH AN AMAZING WRITER!! And your beautiful knowledge of lovely words really comes through here. All in all, you did an awesome job! However, there were a few things I would like to point out, so let's get started on that!One thing I noticed was the amount of exclamation points. I'm seeing (if I'm counting right) TEN EXCLAMATION POINTS. Being enthusiastic is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong! But seeing so much enthusiasm from such a sophisticated author such as you is rather shocking! Consider shortening it to this:
Shady, dear friend,It is with utmost joy and -- dare I say, enthusiasm -- that I deliver you a review today. I will be analyzing this masterpiece through both the lens of an essay and of a poem, since it is listed as an essay but I feel you make great use of poetic rhetoric. As far as I can see, you have condensed the whole structure of an essay into one line, "peepeepoopoo!!!!!!!!!!", which is really conciseness at its finest I'd say. I believe the thesis would here be "peep"? And then you proceed to explore the ideas of "ee", "po", and "opoo" -> wrapping up with a conclusion of 10 dazzling exclamation marks. Let's break down the meaning! I interpret "peep" to be the narrator hesitantly making a sound -- a "peep" -- to make sure their enthusiasm has an audience that will not totally shut it down right away. Testing the water, so to speak. "ee" is a phrase I myself often use to express excitement and childlike joy; here I feel the speaker has decided that it is safe to express their enthusiasm and proceed to do exactly that. Interestingly, you then switch to "oo" vowels, which are typically darker in sound than "ee" vowels. Perhaps this is to reflect that even enthusiasm has a darker side? Then the 10 exclamations marks pull the whole thing together and maybe also express that the narrator is very confident in themself and their enthusiasm; they give themself a 10 exclamations marks/out of enthusiasm rating! Moving onto poetic devices! There's some great assonance in here, with the repetition of the "ee" and "oo" sounds. Some alliteration too with the repeated "p" consonant, which you know I adore!! I enjoyed as well your choice to write in all lowercase -> I think it really works well to convey the carefree joy and optimism of the narrator. And finally, the italics make it look like the words are sprinting across the page, which in my opinion is a great example of form reflecting meaning. If I had one critique, it would be to make use of more formatting -- bold! underline! colours!! These would all, I believe, work to emphasize the main theme of this work -- the titular "ENTHUSIASM" -- even more effectively. Perhaps you could even consider incorporating some of that all-caps energy into the piece itself, to create more continuity between the title and body. In fact, I know you're fond of playing with fonts in some of your other works, and I think that would work beautifully in this piece as well. Default fonts can only go so far; I suggest you venture into the wonderful lands of Comic Sans.Altogether though, this was really a joy to read and review. Your enthusiasm, Shady, is infectious! Keep up the amazing work, I hope to read more works in this genre from you in the future.All the best,whatchamacallit.
high key tempted to make this my first review since january’s review day
Must. Not. Review!
omg I can't decide which one I love more: this one or this :')))
Caaaaaasually dropping this here.I think we get a very good sense of the first and third bullet points, but the second one needs some improvement. This could just be me, but right now he almost comes across a little creepy, between a) the hand on her back as he offers her compliment on her physical appearance (which wouldn't be a big deal if he knew her, but he doesn't know her) and b) the second comment we hear aloud, which almost makes it sound as if he was propositioning her.Well, then again, I guess if he's a "ladies' man," that's actually what that is. But I think if you took away the physical contact right at the beginning of their interaction, that would take away any creepy factor. It's very faint, anyway, not like over-the-top, ew-he's-creepy kind of creepy. Just a hint. But the "you're too pretty" thing on its own is gallant and charming--older gentlemen at the grocery store I worked at in high school would tell me I was "too pretty to go out in this weather" when I was all bundled up to help them out with their groceries in the snow or rain. Then it's nice, because there's no ulterior motive to the compliment. Just a nice sense of gallantry.So that's my only suggestion aside from the fact that I'm suggesting you enter the description contest using your teacher's guidelines, because that was good.~Blue
Hey Shady~It's been forever since I've done a green room review. Normally I'm catching up on my WRFF thread, but I'll make an exception for you, dear.I love is interaction with the kids. I think that little snippet was where I saw the most of his personality. At the same time, I think you *so* wanted to show that he was a lady's man that you wasted way too many words on it. That aspect of his personality could have been shown in a smile or a smaller detail (that wasn't quite as obvious as this was) and still be clear to the reader that he knows his way around the ladies.If you shorten that bit then we get to see more of him interacting with his soldiers which should have more place in the three hundred words because that's his job. He spends most of the day with his soldiers. I got no whiff of them being scared of him. They were just being official. I also saw now reason for them to be scared. He didn't say anything to them at all!Finally, is this all supposed to be all one scene or just observations about him at any time? Because between the serving girl and the soldiers there's a definite break. I mean, he's standing when he's flirting with her, then he's standing up when the soldiers come...? Either make the break definite or let there be no break.Love reading about Brek any day <3Megs~
hello! the things that you chose to 'sketch' out here are the right things, so good job.I know you wanted to contain this piece in three hundred words, but the truth is, if you want to hit the same plot points more effectively, you're going to have to expand. Like, when the little kids came in and started fighting, you should describe them. why describe them if I'm supposed to be descrbing Elgan? you ask.Because the way the boys appear and interact with their environment is important to why Lord Elgan decides to step in. oh, how does he walk? posture can be important sometimes. But you don't have to add that in if you don't want to.'brunette' usually applies to girls(or anything with 'ette' at the end of the word). Just a nitpick.I want to know what the serving girl looks like, the way she holds herself, and i want to know exactly the wording of her mentioned apology. Sometimes, you don't need to give the exact phrasing, but you do here because your MC is speaking directly to her and interacting with her. The 'you're too pretty to be upset' is frankly creepy. It is not charming. It sounds like he's going to assault her. well, that's about it! Hope this helped! ~Satira
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