Black Hearts, Blue Tears

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

His name echoes in the dark recesses of my mind. Clayton. Even now, the sound of his name can give light to a darkened day. It seems as though it's been a thousand years but that isn't possible...is it? Who truly knows for sure? Maybe he does. Maybe he's still out there somewhere, counting the time. But I doubt it. If he were still out there he would have come back to me. But he hasn't yet returned, so he must not be of this earth anymore.

Well that's a rather intriguing start right there. Its got a nice sense of mystery to it with that opening which balances on that nice fine edge between giving the reader no clue what may have happened and making it a little too obvious. I think that makes for a wonderful opening here. It gets your attention quite nicely and makes you just curious enough to keep reading.

I remember that summer well. It was both the best and worst summer of our teenage lives. But it ended up being the worst dummer of my entire life. Tears would fall, screams would rise, and we would lose one of our own. But no matter how much we fought against it, that summer would stay in our memories forever. None of us would ever forget that night. And no matter what, we couldn't fight what had happened. She was dead and we couldn bring her back.

She was my own flesh and blood. They killed her without mercy. But her death wasn't their only crime. Their last mistake was framing him for her murder. Nevertheless, they went to jail for their crimes. But I was forced to leave town soon after. And when I finally returned, he wasn't there. I wonder now if he left because this town held all of our memories. No one will tell me why he left. They'll only tell me that he left with a heavy heart two years before I returned. Why did he leave? The question lingers in my mind as I think of him now.

Oooh well that builds on the mystery to an entirely different level there. Things are really taking off on that one. IF this particular scene doesn't manage to get one's attention then nothing well. I think this is a very powerful piece to be jumping to there. I can't wait to see what you actually make out of this here.

Now, I sit in the spot we came to so many times during the three years we were together. It is an old abandoned house near the ocean. Clayton and I had fixed it up the first summer that we were together. We used the house as a hide-out and a place to be alone. My grandfather owned the house, and he gave it to me. I now live it that house. It looks out over the ocean. I sleep in the same room that we slept in that summer. Sometimes, at night, I imagine that he is still here with me. But he is not. No, he left here a long time before I came back. Now he will never return. I will be forced to live without him for therest of my life.

I loved and i lost. Now I will tell the story of that summer.. the truth that was kept a secret will come out. And now, you'll find out what truly happened. I loved him and because of the events that happened that night, I was torn away from him. Whose side will you choose? Ours or theirs? Remember, we are innocent.

Ahh well that wraps up a very powerful prologue right there, although having read through it, I must say this is fully capable of just being the actual first chapter. This seems like its almost too relevant and powerful to the story for it to just be languishing as the prologue here. Besides that slightl issue, this works really well I think. You've gone and really created a powerful sense of mystery here and asked so many questions of us that as a reader we simply have no choice but to read on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello there, Shadow Princess, and welcome to YWS!! Now this was looking a little lonely so I just had to check it out and give your wonderful piece of writing some well deserved company . Now, before I get started I'll just let you know how I work: all my comments and edits will be in bold, and at the end I will go through my review with you. I really hope this helps you out... =D

ShadowPrincess16 wrote:Prologue
His name echoes in the dark recesses of my mind.

[NP >>]Clayton [I would have this in italics, and great way to draw the reader in, well done (: ].

[NP >>]Even now, the sound of his name can give light to a darkened day. It seems as though it[s]'s[/s] has been[s] a[/s] thousands of years but that isn't possible...is it? Who truly knows for sure? Maybe he does. Maybe he's still out there somewhere, counting the time. But [I would cut this out - try and limit starting sentences with connectives, it will make your writing look more professional] I doubt it. If he were still out there he would have come back to me. But he hasn't yet returned, so he must not be of this earth anymore.
Still, I remember that summer well. It was both the best and worst summer of our [can your MC account for both views = does she really know whether it was the best summer of his life? If not, change this to my, or just expand on it. For example, did he whisper it into her ear one evening whilst they strolled along the beach, the blood red sun only just setting beneath the sea... Go ahead, and be inventive!!] teenage lives. [s]But [/s] It ended up being the worst [s]d[/s]summer of my entire life; tears would fall, screams would rise, and we would lose one of our own. But no matter how much we fought against it, that summer would stay in our memories forever. None of us would ever forget that night expand on this - I know its meant to be vague, but find a way of differing it from any other normal night. For example, it could have been a night of storm, rain, rage and tears...]. And no matter what, we couldn't fight what had happened. She was dead and we couldn't bring her back [ooh, I love how you've slipped this in - it automatically demands more of our attention; great job!! (: ].
She was my own flesh and blood and they killed her without mercy. But [you seem to be using this word a lot to start sentences - try and vary your sentence startings] her death wasn't their only crime. Their last mistake was framing him for her murder. Nevertheless, they went to jail for their crimes. But I was forced to leave town soon after. And when I finally returned, he wasn't there. I wonder now if he left because this town held all of our memories. No one will tell me why he left. They'll only tell me that he left [you're using he left quite a lot in a short space. Try and replace a few and reword your sentences to avoid repetition] with a heavy heart two years before I returned. Why did he leave? The question lingers in my mind as I think of him now.
Now [try and replace this, as you ended the previous sentence with now, so it's slightly repetitive], I sit in the spot we came to so many times during the three years we were together. It is an old abandoned house near the ocean. Clayton and I had fixed it up the first summer that we were together. We used the house as a hide-out and a place to be alone. My grandfather owned the house, and he gave it to me. I now live it that house [this is an awkward sentence - try and reword it]. It looks out over the ocean. I sleep in the same room that we slept in that summer. Sometimes, at night, I imagine that he is still here with me. But he is not. No, he left here a long time before I came back. Now he will never return. I will be forced to live without him for the_rest of my life.
I loved and I lost. Now I will tell the story of that summer... [b][an ellipsis is three dots ...] the truth that was kept a secret will come out. And now, you'll find out what truly happened. I loved him and because of the events that happened that night, I was torn away from him. Whose side will you choose? Ours or theirs? Remember, we are innocent. [You've chosen a very interesting and unique way to end this and begin your story, by addressing us directly, which is great as it makes this story your own!! (: I also loved the last sentence; I think it would be good as a title for your story...?]

Last Minute Views
Repetition
You occasionally repeated certain words, which made your work sound slightly repetitive, which we certainly don't want happening!! Also, try and restructure some of your sentences to avoid them sounding repetitive, otherwise the effect can come across slightly dull, which is another thing we certainly don't want!! (:

An introduction to the story...
I liked this as an introduction to the story, even though it was quite short, but it left me wanting to know more, which is the exact effect you want to have on your readers, and what you've definitely achieved here!! Great job!! =D

Overall Thoughts
I enjoyed this, and you have great potential as a writer, which is great!!! If you just brush up and expand on what I pointed out, then it shall hopefully make this a little better!! I really hope this review helped you out, and if you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to PM me!! (:

Good luck with this piece, and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx