Published March 18, 2009
Staring into your eyes that day,
I knew I'd lost you,
and now you don't love me anymore,
but i wish you did,
I wish I could look into your eyes and see the love there,
but i can't,
Do you know that I love you?
Do you know that your kiss lingers on my lips?
More importantly do you know that i miss you?
No,
you don't believe these things,
but they're true,
I know that I hurt you,
but baby,
I'm sorry,
I never meant to hurt you,
I never meant to make you cry,
but I did,
and i can't change that,
that's why I'm crying now,
The day we parted lingers in my memory,
and when I lay in bed at night,
I picture your face as it was that day,
and it makes me cry,
tears for you.
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140,843 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
lol. thx.
I liked this
It wasn't perfect in terms of lexis used or fluency but I liked the overall sentiment.
I didn't mean to hurt you/didnt mean to make you cry is very clichéd
Overall, a nice job and it came from the heart, so I'm all for it.
S
xxx
thx. I wrote this poem in ten minutes when i was practically ruunning out of my room, so it isnt that good. lol. but thx for reviewing and i will keep writintg.
i love this poem
it makes me feel as if i am you when i am reading it
as if i feel every emotion that you feel
it is hard to write poems that cause you to express such deep, strong and painful emotion and it is even harder to find the courage to post them online
and for that i say well done
because i know how it feels.
you are a very talented writer and you should continue writing.
good job
-Soul Destroyer
Hmm... I recommend capitalising the i's. Just me, though.
I cringed when you said 'baby', personally. It always gives a very false, cheesy edge to anything. It reduces it to 'just another one of those love songs' if you get me.
I never meant to hurt you/I never meant to make you cry. Sorry if this seems harsh but i have heard that duet so many times I couldn't even tell you where. It's very, very overdone.
But I'm afraid I'll have to agree with everybody: it lacks life, lacks originality. It's just another lost love song, just another poem that doesn't really evoke any emotion because we are jaded.
The last line sorta has some impact but it can't make up for the rest of the poem, which is a shame, really. Maybe try to spruce it up some more with some original, heartfelt lines, rather than... well, the usual.
thx for reviewing. I dont really like this poem because it doesnt portray the emotion i was looking for.
I really like this poem. It's very descriptive and I can feel the emotion through the text. Keep up the good work :+)
thank you for your comment i'll try to do better with my writing your critiqing is fine don't worry about it.
thx 4 replying. I dont know how to rhyme, so none of my poems rhyme. lol
This struck me as a typical love lost song.
Dont get me wrong it definately plucked at the heart's strings its just that it diddnt really go beyond that message of something that isnt there.
I feel you could have delved a bit more into the subject matter but you cant be picky.
A few lines were typical of this kind of piece, but still it was a good work.
Improve a little on inflection without desperation and I forsee more good things from you.
Keep it up ^_^
[quote] know that i hurt you, but baby, im sorry, i never meant to hurt you
Readers dont really get a sense of meaning here maybe because of the almost similar repitition of lines. Also it seems a bit corny. ''I never meant to hurt you'' has a pretty hurtful and emotional touch to it & i liked it (Y)
Overall, i liked ur poem because it quite seemed to portray your feelings though if you add a rythm to it - for example some rhyming words at the the end of each line - it would be better.
Kind Regards
xx