ShadowPrincess wrote:In My Own Eyes
By: Shadow Princess
Mod: Name removed from post
Prologue
I was only thirteen years old when I was sent to live at Lyons School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My father was dead and my mother, who had killed him, was abroad (nice word). We had no living family members (the mother?), and so the Wizarding (I wouldn't capitalize wizarding) community had sent us to live under the care of Alfred Lyons, Headmaster of Lyons School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. After that, our lives changed drastically. We went from living in a giant three story mansion (to add for effect, I'd make some sort of horrible house to live in) to living in a seven story castle with turrets and hidden rooms. [s]It was quite a change.[/s] We weren’t really used to having servants waiting on us hand and foot (nice phrase). Back at the mansion, we had to do everything ourselves, but when we moved into the castle that all changed. [s]When we moved into the mansion, we were waited on hand and foot.[/s] Rosalina, Ryan, and I didn’t take advantage of this as the younger three did. (Our three younger brothers were only two years old and were absolutely [s]loving[/s] adoring having servants). Instead of letting the servants wait on us, we would usually do things for ourselves. We hated to let them do too much for us. (I'd add to their feelings some)
I remember the night that my mother brutally murdered my father. It was Ryan, Rosalina, and my sixteenth birthday. We were having a great time until mother and father got into a huge argument. Mother announced the thing we’d all known, but somehow suppressed: She was the infamous Lady Murder. She was the one that had killed over twenty families already. Right before she cursed our father into oblivion she told him who she really was. Then she used the infamous Black Lung Curse on our father, killing him instantly. I remember screaming out for him, but there was no way to bring him back. He was dead, killed by the most powerful curse in the history of the Wizarding World. Now, nothing could ever bring him back.
It all began on a stormy night on July 7th.
(July is not usually a stormy time of the year where I live, it's summer; I'd change this date to a few months back, perhaps, let's say, sometime is March or May?)
Nice little story here, time to dissect it...
Pros
+It was creative.
+It wasn't boring; you had my attention right away, although I was still quite distant.
+The description was great
+Overall, grammar was excellent!
+My name is Ryan...yay! My name was in your story <3
+This seems exactly like a Prologue.
Cons
-This seems almost exactly like Harry Potter...making it also a bit cliche too.
-It's kind of...too informative. Sometimes you want the reader to not know, so they have a reason to continue reading it. If you tell them everything right away, there'll be no reason for them to read the rest of the story and/or series.
-Remember to show, not tell at certain parts here.
I still think that this was pretty nice piece though, it was quite the story.
1. I'd change your school name, it's kind of a repeat of 'Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry' in once again, Harry Potter.
2. It has a great start so far, pretty impressive.
3. Good job on posting two reviews too, excellent!
4. You seem to be too much repetitive, you've said 'infamous' quite a bit too much. I suggest looking for another word with the same meaning.
5. Sorry if I was bit harsh, I can be kind of mean sometimes, dear, I know...
Well, PM me if you have questions or have a piece needing a review, I'll get to you ASAP.
-Ryan
Points: 1155
Reviews: 98
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