Published October 1, 2012
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Like tribee91 said, this is a good start. It seems to me like you're going for a short poem, and that's what i think you should do with this idea, just expand on these sentences more. If you want to go for a long-ish poem, you could expand each sentence into a stanza and I imagine that wouldn't be too difficult.
Good idea, good execution, a little too short. Keep up the good work.
I think this is a good start, but lack connection with the reader. If you add just a little more detail or depth to it could be better. Might also tie it back to you tile more. That is just my thoughts. Take it as you will.
~Tribee91