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by ShadowHunter

My heart feels like it is constricting into the tiniest little thing. I wanted to burst into tears as I watched them turn away from me and continue on their way, oblivious to the fact that I felt as if I would die of hurt at any second.

'You will not cry, you will not cry, you will NOT cry!' I desperately thought to myself as I felt tears running down my cheeks. I brushed them away, annoyed at my own weakness.

My heart gave another painful squeeze as I got up and slowly walked away, asking myself, 'If you can't trust your own best friends, who can you trust?' and trying to ignore the more painful question buzzing around my head,'If you can't tell what sort of person someone is over the period of three years, what sort of person are YOU?'

I cry myself to sleep that night, just like I do every other night, and promise myself that this time will will be different. This time, I wont let them walk all over me, that i will make them come crawling back to me, begging for forgiveness before I take them back.

but when tomorrow comes, and they sling their arms over my shoulders, acting like nothing ever happened, I let them. Because I am willing to forgive them. Willing to forgive in hopes that this time, maybe they wont hurt me, that this time I will not be forgotten about, or get snubbed, or or get insulted, or be yelled at. This time I will belong, but only one more chance, right?

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57 Reviews

Points: 291
Reviews: 57

Wed Oct 30, 2013 12:31 pm
D4RKR4VEN wrote a review...

Huh. I felt drawn to this piece somehow. Maybe it's because it's a subject matter that I'm familiar with? Interesting. Anyway, I am The Raven, Squire of The Knights of the Green Room, and I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided up into two parts, What Is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Now, without further ado, let's get down to business...

What Is Good:
1) I like your descriptions of the persona's emotions, how she felt and how it was all translated into both physiological reactions and further mental torment.

2) Instead of a clich├ęd happy ending, you opted for an ambiguous ending that leans more towards the darkness. What's best is that you didn't do it for the sake of subverting conventions or just being different. I can see the point in you doing this - through the darkness, you're shedding light on the lack of social and mental/emotional mobility in such a disadvantageous situation. Well done!

3) The brevity of your work indicates that it is not even a flash fiction. I've never believed in such in works shorter than flash fictions. To me, they are the product of an impatient society with the attention span of a goldfish's demand. However, I see now that there is some merit in such works that could not even be considered flash fictions. Or at least, there's merit in this one.

Pray! You've given me so much more! I've had an epiphany! Isn't the 'short flash fiction' to the short story/novel as the haiku is to normal poetry? ShadowHunter, you are a genius!

From now on, I shall accept short flash fictions and not shun it so!

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) Anyway, there is always room for improvement. I believe that it would be better if you do not quote her thoughts, but instead let it meld with the rest of the narrative. I see no point in differentiating them. Aren't they all their thoughts? The narrator doesn't look like an older version of herself, as it is all in present tense.

2) There are some language issues. A few words could be taken out to improve the flow of the narrative, such as...

oblivious to the fact that I felt as if I would die of hurt at any second.

I tried my best to contract it further, and got this: 'oblivious to how I felt I would die of hurt any second.' Of course, this may not be what you want, but you know what I mean.

I cry myself to sleep that night, just like I do every other night,

Also, your narrative's in present tense right? However 'that night' implies that the narrative is set in the past, therefore it implies that the tense you use, although a stylistic choice, might be grammatically wrong. 'I cried myself to sleep that night' would have been the grammatically correct choice, it seems.

but when tomorrow comes

Also, never forget to capitalise the first letter of the first word in a sentence, whenever you start a new sentence.

I guess the biggest problems would be the first two things. I'm sure there's plenty of opportunities for you to strike out certain words, further enhancing the brevity and flow of your short flash fiction. Also, you might want to re-evaluate if writing in present tense fits your story well or not.

Well, that's all I have for now. I hope I've helped. Enjoy! And keep writing! Thanks for making me realise that there is merit in short flash fictions!

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Points: 2966
Reviews: 142

Mon Oct 28, 2013 1:59 pm
Bugslake wrote a review...

I have been in this situation and it really does suck, but what I do is I bury the pain way deep down in the darkest part of my heart and lock it up.

Any way you didn't capitalize the first letter of the past paragraph. That is a simple mistake and other than that I believe that you have done a great job in describing feelings that everyone has at least felt once in their lives.

I was just thinking that this could be a part in a story when your character has been hurt, your showing readers how she would react to things. This could really develope a character.

You wake up in the morning and it feels impossible? Good. You do it anyway.
— Martin Scorcese