DELETED

I deleted this aswell. sorry x

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hello! I enjoyed reading the second part of your story. At the moment I'm not entirely sure of how it links to the first part but I'm sure I'll fully understand it later. Once again, good job on the names, they were creative and thank you for telling us what they meant at the beginning.
First of all, I liked the way you defined your characters quickly and set the scene. You used good description without making it tedious and boring. One of my favourite lines were

But the majority of the trees were grouped together at the far end of the field creating a wood that was hiding in the shadows like it was terrified of the sunlight.


I thought that the last part was quite creative and your use of personification, saying that the trees were terrified, really added to the images you created in my mind.

“Angel, RUN!” The last word hit Angel like a bolt of lightning, creating a pulse of energy that flowed through every part of her body.

This was also a good piece of writing in the way that it gave the reader an idea of how exactly Angel had that sudden rush of energy and adrenaline.

the black abyss of unconsciousness engulfed her.

I just liked the "black abyss" part :D

Now a few nitpicks:

“Angel Delaine are you completely ignorant to the simple fact that I am trying to get your attention?”

There should be a comma or exclamation mark after her name, to break up the sentence.
"...If we do not regain our powers until we are sixteen, the very powers passed down to us through the generations of our families that make us who we really are, then how are we to defend ourselves against that!”

I think you should have a question mark instead of an exclamation mark at the end of that dialogue (or possibly both.) It creates a sense of urgency as well as tells the reader that Angel is asking Luke a question.

Luke could make out the faint outline of a flying creature, it’s wings spread out wide allowing it to sore across the air.

The creature reached out it’s claws,


"it's" should be "its" in these two sentences because it is possessive; talking about the creature's wings and claws. ( "it's" is a contraction for "it is". You wouldn't want to say "it is wings.") Also in the first sentence it should be "soar" (meaning fly) rather than "sore" (meaning hurt.)

Umm...yeah, that's it! Overall good job! I liked this piece even though there wasn't a tremendous amount of action happening. I would have liked a little bit more on the creature at the end, but I'm sure you'll give more detail sometime else. That didn't make it uninteresting; Part 1 was just about Keaira (sorry if I spelt that wrong) and her mother talking, and that was interesting enough. Still, it would be cool to have a really action-packed piece in one of the other parts of this novel.
Thanks for asking me to review, hope it helped! :D



I hope everyone's safe and sound and has some potatoes in the pantry.
— Arcticus