Published January 14, 2011
Sorry I deleted this. Don't ask why. x
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
...I just realized when I was skimming over this again, that chant Keaira's mother uses? Nice!
Is it, "Bring me the water to see how I spy?" I can't believe I missed that before...
Hi Chic, here for your review.
what exactly is a bronze font? this could be explained in a later sentance by re-wording something so its more clear.First of all: Congrats on your first post. This is very intriguing and I can't wait for more!
1) is this a novel, I assume so since, its categorizedas one. Which means the title of this post should be: The warriors of Cagliam *1* or (ch.1) or {Chapter 1} or something like that. It's easier for editing and its easier for the reader to.
2) this is a little short, I can understand this and I am a big fan of short chapters, but some aren't. Idealy you want your chapters to be 1,000 words long.(or more) yours is 883 (i checked) If you have WORD on your computer, poke around and you can find a word count. it will automaticaly count words, paragraphs, letters and sentences.
3) I am very glad you put the spoiler that showed how to pronouce the words that are a bit confusing. It's a very good idea to do that, especiall when your using stuff like that.
Nit-Picking:
1)
2)whoa whoa wait! where did this other languge come from? It just out of the blue popped up. You could explain it more carefully. Like: Keaira’s mother, bent over the font, rasping in a lannguge several hundred years old, chanting a spell that could make her see people from everywhere in their world.see? isn't that eaiser to understand?
Questions:
The very last part is confusing. Why must they kill her little sister? why did she suddenly pop up in the font?
Overall:
This could be the beginning of a great novel. If you spin it just right, you can make it perfect. There are some places that could use editing, but not horribly.
Hope it helps, and again congrats on your first novel,
Pointe
Thank you for the reviews. I'm glad you like it. I'm major glad that you like the names and I hope you like the ones for the other character's too!! Shadow.
P.S. I have just corrected my mistakes.
I love the story! it's very unique and obviously has a back story to it! possibly the whole "Lizzy" thing was just a mistake which is made by every human, no need to worry about that though I would be a bit more careful in the future but the story is amazing! I especially like the use of original names that have a meaning to them, it gives the story that bit more of an edge. Well Done!
Hey! I quite liked this! Your description was good and I liked the way that you quickly set the scene before anything major happened. i like the names; they are original plus I LOVE celtic (especially Irish) names. The last sentence left me curious and intrigued! The only things I would critisize is how sometimes your sentences ran on for a bit too long (don't worry, this happens to me ALL the time) and you mispelt some words e.g. "starred" should be "stared" I'm pretty sure. I liked how this was from the villains' point of view as that's not done very often. I'm also a big fan of the assassinating-the- prince-thing and the killing-the-family-member deal. I use them a lot in stories!
I'll try and read the next few parts soon!
Anyway, good job
The question remains...who is "Lizzie?" Is that Keaira's mother? Or a nickname for Keaira herself? Or did you have a brain fart like all people? :3
I'm actually pretty interested in this. The story itself is intriguing and the names. (Gotta love those names. If you didn't put down Keaira's pronunciation I probably would have read it as Kay-eer-ah and . I've gotten into the habit of pronouncing things in Japanese lately.) Will we be viewing things from her POV again anytime soon? I rather enjoy looking at things from the antagonists POV, it livens things up.
And anyway, even if it's short it feels like the chapter is complete. I think that matters more than it being incredibly long and ending without a sense of finality to it.
Review my stuff? :3 I think I'd like to hear your comments on mine too.
~Blood
First thing's first: I love your avvie.
)
Second thing, I like the names. If it's truly a story about other worlds, you need unique names. And these ones are definitely unique. (Plus it's good that you wrote how they are said, 'cause most people would probably be saying it all wrong... like me
Third thing: *reads chapter*
umm.. kind of confused. Who's Lizzie??
Okay, when characters think, you should always italicize it (not sure if that's how it spelt, but I mean put it in italic)
you forgot the t
*Our
Nit-picking done.
I have to admit, you got me curious. Obviously Keaira and her mom are evil, but to kill her sister/daugther, that's real evil! Aside from that, I think your writing flowed well, your descriptions were good without being too much. Overall, a job well done.
Feel free to PM me for the next chapter!
Spitfire