I wrote this two years ago, I just re-aranged it a bit.
I'll take you down, where you'll never be found.
Your dreams, they're futile, insignificant, stale.
You're not set to win, you're set to fail.
Don't bother putting up a fight; I've got you right where I can see.
I'm gonna take you down, and make sure that you know me.
Hypnotize, frozen eyes. Lay deep in me.
So deep seated in the knowledge, you're sure you posses.
Yet for all your carelessness, you fail to impress.
Take a seat, then a ticket. And you soon will see.
Sharp, black suits. It never fails.
Shreds of your dignity in my fingernails.
Pop your pills and just relax.
Life insurance "got your back".
Constructive criticism would be niceee.
xxxxxx
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Alright, let me start by saying that I liked it. If it had more rythm/structure, I would LOVE it. The last line kind of bothered me just because I'm a grammar freak and even if it's used in the quotes, it still tweaks me the wrong way. It's an alright line, but I think you can make it even better and more powerful. Here are some lines I love:
"Hypnotize, frozen eyes. Lay deep in me."
"Shreds of your dignity in my fingernails."
Basically I liked the second stanza a lot more than the first because of it's originality. But yes, good work. =]
The second stanza was definitely the best. The first was a little bland, a little too straightforward, but the language and imagery in the second really struck me, especially that last line. Really, I think you could partially or completely cut out the first stanza, and put a little more emphasis on what you've got in the second.
The whole poem has really nice spots of rhyme in it, except for these two lines. Well, fails rhymes with fingernails, but the three sentences before that have no connection to anything else, and if would be great if the rhyme wasn't interrupted here.
Colleen
Whoops, I mean't to change that before I posted it. It was a "where" when I wrote it in my head, but not when I typed it out. Haha. Fixed
I love this, Billy.
But like i said earlier... I think, in the first line "where" instead of "when".. Surely it'd make more sense?
Apart from that, i think it's great. x