Published September 14, 2008
Okay, I haven't been on here in forever... Constructive crit is encouraged.
Yesterday I cried your name,
Once, twice and once again.
You claim you heard one golden cry
Why then did I hear no reply?
I called again but your heart slept,
I fell down to my knees and wept.
Early eve pre-sunset skies;
You heard, I know, I see your lies
Yesterday I sang the song
You bid me sing if life was wrong.
I sang until my voice was lost,
My throat sore from winter's frost
I called again, again I tried
Until the moon grew full I cried,
Couldn't breath and couldn't speak
Fell to the ground when I was weak.
Yesterday I felt the chill
Turning the land around me still.
On the eve of spring we were apart,
The frost came down and froze my heart
I call to you beyond the gates,
For when you came it was too late.
You claim you heard me call your name,
Now never will I call again.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I loved this poem, though it was a bit confusing at what it was about it was packed full of emotion and i liked that
loved this beginning, made me want to read more, i love the third and fourth line, very sweet and i loved "golden cry"
Again you totally made the third and fourth line amazing, those two lines siad so much to me, but i found the first line a bit odd and it didnt flow as well
Youve dont it again! i loved the last two lines but its just the first two that i dont really get, the rhythm isnt as good - "yestuday i sang the song" was a bit weird - what song? it wasnt meantioned before, please please correct me if i am wrong
OMG i loved this!!! best thing ive heard so , loved it, it was so smooth and full of emotion, it flowed perfectly
This one didnt flow as well as the one before but it was still great, good descriptive words and stuff and the last line was so poetic and beautiful
Did she/he die? is this what it means? when you said gates i kinda imagened heaven but you might have written it to represent something else oh well still loved it
Great poem - best one ive read today
I like this poem a lot. You tread on very thin water. You could have made a very angst, emotional poem with absolutely no base; however, you somehow managed to keep emotions at bay and pen a good poem.
I do suggest elaborating more. Perhaps with editing, you could have a real WINNER!
Adrian
This is a great poem! However, you often have issues with the rhythm in this poem - that's the syllables and how they match to the number of syllables in other lines/stanzas. It's hard, but you need to make sure they all match.
There should be commas before and after "then".
There should be a period at the end of this line.
There should be a comma at the end of this line (and every line unless it has a period, exclamation or question mark).
You're really pushing it here. Maybe change "life was wrong" to "things went wrong"?
This and a few lines before it needs a comma at the end, plus you misspelled "breathe".
Remember your punctuation. Sorry to be such a nitpick but it's important. This is a great poem, and I like how you swapped the words around in the last line. Great job!
Hi! I thought this was brilliant. I only have a few suggestions for punctuation and rhythm (which was near-perfect).
You really use rhythm and rhyme to the full to create a certain tone. It's quite matter-of-fact, but it flows well.
The third line seems very random. I would try to find something to tie in better with the previous two, or change the third and fourth lines if it is rhyme that is the problem.
'Life was wrong' stretches poetic license to its full length, but you get away with it. I thought this stanza was great.
I like the progression through the seasons.
I love the last stanza.
You use tricky devices like repetition and sentences inversion well. They never sound forced because of the overall style that you've written the poem in. I don't have any criticisms really - well done!