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E - Everyone

One love

by Shade1001

     For that one moment, you are his everything. He gives you the look. Perhaps its just for one second. But for that one second, for that one look. It may look like nothing, but its everything. The whole world stops, and you two are the only two inhabitants. You get an indescribable feeling. That feeling of one million butterflies fluttering around in your stomach. for that one second, your heart is falling to your stomach, but in a good way. And right before it plummets to where its list, he catches it.

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20 Reviews

Points: 1404
Reviews: 20

Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:24 pm
nykolasandrews wrote a review...

Hey there! Nykolas here with a review.

I feel like you have some real potential as a writer or even a poet. It all depends on how you grow and in which direction. You've got some good vocabulary in here, but I must admit, I do agree with hbotz310 in saying that you should give the reader more to connect with. At the moment, it's just a little too generic. But you did great overall!

One slight problem, though.

"But for that one second, for that one look."

That isn't a complete sentence. Sorry, I am a Grammar Nazi at heart.

Like I said, you did great overall, and you definitely have major potential to keep on writing.

Happy writing and review day~
-Nykolas ^w^

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77 Reviews

Points: 58
Reviews: 77

Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:58 pm
RadiantShadow wrote a review...

Hi :) Radiant here to give you a review!

Although this is a short piece of work its actually good in sense of ideas. I have to comment on the short sentences though as they interrupt the flow of ideas and the continuity which tends to lose the readers interest which is a shame as it is actually good!
The description is also a good touch but you could have gone into more detail and use various diction to give it a more epic feel.
Also sorry but I can't resist, you forgot the capitalize the first letter of 'for' and another thing you shouldn't start a sentence with 'And' so i suggest you remove the full stop before it and it will be good :)

Overall I like the theme and the idea you presented. Its something many people can relate to and you managed to capture the feeling of the butterflies perfectly. Continue writing! I look forward to reading more


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9 Reviews

Points: 442
Reviews: 9

Mon Jan 25, 2016 6:11 pm
hbotz310 wrote a review...

Hi Hunter here for a review!

The writing is a little bare. you have some good details, but a bit more would help. It would help the reader feel more involved as well as excited. This is a good little paragraph. if its apart of something bigger, I'd leave it, if your just doing this by itself, more detail.
I couldn't find any punctuation errors but one. You started the last sentence with "And." If you could find a way to change that out, This paragraph would be Ace!
Keep up like this and your bound to go somewhere!

"But like, if you're an ex-vampire, ex-nazi with literally centuries worth of PTSD, it helps to play a lot of instruments to balance it out."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi