"Once upon a time there was a queen and king. They had twin daughters. Ava and Eva, they were almost complete opposites. Ava had light hair; she was sweet and outgoing personality. Where as on the other side, Eva had dark hair; she was harsh and very shy. Starting in school, Eva was called ugly and Ava was called beautiful. Those lables followed her throughout her life. Time passes, the queen dies a year before the king. When the king, their father had died the kingdom was given to them. Each had been given equal reign over the kingdom of, Mystique. The towns people had shunned and disregarded Eva. That made her angry. Ava seemed to have everyone's hearts won. Eva ran away one day into the forest. Six years later she returns cursing the kingdom. The had discovered black magic. She locked her sister, Ava in her room. She started to destroy the whole kingdom. She heard her sister cry, 'stop this nonsense please. What is it you want?'
Eva replied 'I want half of this kingdom and half of the people here.'
Ava agreed, 'Take what you must.'
Eva smiled and did what she wanted. She curse the kingdom and put a barrier around her kingdom. She called it the Mystic. Her followers were reeducated and taught evil and dark things like black magic. And even now the kingdom is seperated."
I was just six years old when my mother told me that story. I am now seventeen, and it is still like that. I live in Mystic, Eva's kingdom. Now the people here are called witches. However I am different. My father is a witch and my mother was a fairie. She came from Mystique. Their people are called fairies. My kind are the forlorn, the forgotten, the hopeless, and the lost. Hybrids are not welcome in either kingdoms. It is against both kingdoms' laws to interbreed. That earns you the death penalty.
I have managed to hide my wings and my familiar. I hide my fairy side but it has gotten a lot harder to do so.
"In conclusion, if a fairy is seen in our territory and captured. The authorities pluck their wings and release them into the Lost Region. Also known as.... Melmel?"
"Huh?" I wake up from my much needed nap. Mrs. Jay was standing over me, scowling.
"This is the third time this week, young lady. If you want to sleep you can sleep in the principals office." She pointed towards the door. I sighed and got out of my chair and started walking. Mr. M was really mad. He called my dad and now I am stuck waiting for him to come get me.
"Who are you?"
I looked up and saw an unfamiliar face. "Mel, who are you?"
"Lucas, I'm new here."
"Welcome," I smiled.
"There you are, you are in big trouble young lady!"
"Dad calm down, it is no big deal."
He went in the principal's office.
"You're in trouble, I take it."
"How'd you know?" I asked sarcastically.
"What'd you do?"
"Fell asleep in class,"
My father came out of the office and looked at me. "How do you fall asleep in class four times a week? You only go to school five days awake!"
The ride home was completely silent. "You are taking this too lightly Melody."
"Don't call me that!"
"Sorry,"
"Dad I'm sorry I fell asleep. I will try to stop."
My father smiled. "You are just like your mother."
"I miss her."
"I do too. But one day we'll see her again. Don't worry."
"Dad, what happened to mom?"
"You'll understand when you are older."
"I am almost eighteen! Tell me! I deserve to know!"
My dad looked down ashamed. I went upstairs into my room and jumped in my bed and stared crying. My father has told me nothing. My mother disappeared nine years ago. All my dad told me was she will be back one day. Did she leave? It she alive? Where is she? There is a knock on my door.
"Can I come in?"
"It's open."
"I'm sorry honey. You're right I have been treating to like a small child. You deserve to know. The day your mother disappeared she was going to see her father. He found out about you and planned on seeing his granddaughter. However your mother's sister had found out and told her mother, your grandmother. She was furious. And demanded the capture of your mother."
"Wait, that shouldn't matter, mom could have just flown away."
"That is the problem. Your grandfather is the descendant of the Great Queen Ava. Your mother was next in line for the throne and you after that. However, your mothers sister or your aunt was very jealous. She wanted the throne but it was going to be given to your mother. So all in all your aunt turned in your mother for harboring a criminal."
"So mom lost the throne to keep me hidden?"
"She just wants to protect you. Your mother is very strong, just like you. So that is why I believe she is still alive."
Tears started running down my face. Mother is gone because of me....
"Who made this stupid law? Why can't we go back to before the Mystique and the Mystic? Ava is gone and Eva is in control now."
"Do not speak ill of Ava. She is asleep."
"Then she is never waking up. It has been years!"
"That is why your grandfather is filling in for her. We are done with this topic." My dad walked out of the room angry.
Can he blame me for being upset? That is a lot to take in.
I took out a sheet of paper and started writing.
The king is the son of Ava.
Mom is the daughter of the king.
Mom's sister told the queen about me.
She got mad. (The queen does not like me.)
I could be next if mom is.....
But mom might be alive in the castle.
So I have a lot to do. I'm going to find mom. I am going to change that stupid law. When it got dark and my father was asleep; I opened my window and spread my wings.
A smile crossed my face as I jumped in the air. I flew into the woods nearby and spun in circles. Flying came so naturally. It just felt right to do.
Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder and heard something pierce the tree behind me. I flew into the treetops and headed home. Behind me I shut the window and closed the blinds. I was in pain. Something managed to graze my right shoulder. I looked at the wound as it begun to bleed out. I tried to soak the blood with my sleeve but it would not stop. Tears started pouring from my eyes. It isn't stopping. I'm losing to much blood. I ran into my dad's bedroom.
"Dad! I don't know what's wrong!" I shook my father.
My dad woke up startled. Immediately his eyes were locked onto my shoulder. He shook his head.
"How did this happen?"
"I don't know."
His eyes caught my wings. "Put them away now."
He uttered a few words and the bleeding had stopped. "What we're you doing with your wings out?"
"I just wanted to exercise them a little."
"Well you know better then to do it here. You are lucky to be alive and whole still." He examined my shoulder. "It was a delivery arrow."
"What's that?" I asked.
"It is an old trick, that opposing kingdoms did to each other. Although it is not funny. Witches put a hex on the tip of the arrow and once fired at a faire...
Well you know they start to fade away. "
He chose his words carefully. "The only thing I can do is stop the process. The pain will go away in a few days. You will be fine. No more exercising. Now go washup and go to bed. Goodnight. "
It's tremendously great, yet you need to write a more mysterious intro
I like the story. I hope you write more of it. My critiques for it so far though are this: you should double check your work next time. In the first paragraph, it says "The discovered dark magic," even though I'm pretty sure you meant she. It kind of feels rushed. It feels like you were at a deadline and just put everything on there but didn't have time to comb it out. I suggest just to take some time to go over it again and fix whatever you find wrong.
Hey there!
I find the starting paragraph too long. Also it was placed in quotation marks, and I was half expecting to find a "said". At the back there. I didn't think you meant it to be in quotes though so it's probably a mistake. Split up the different parts of the story too. I like that it's a back story explaining what happened before. But you need to split it up to make it easier to read. I also find that it's really rushed while telling the story. Slow down, and fill the reader in with details. Don't list down every single event that happened, that's boring and the reader just skips it. Have a little more explanation.
I agree with John. Given that Eva was as powerful as to bring the people under her command, she wouldn't even need to lock Ava up in a room. In fact, she wouldn't even ask for half of her land, she would have just taken it by force! The logic isn't here, so you have to make sure the story makes sense.
Time can change a person, and I like that after years in hiding Eva emerged totally different. It's a cliche way of getting a villain in the picture, but a good and effective one. Just make sure the character change is drastic there so readers can see the evil side of Eva.
In the back story you didn't mention anything about witches and fairies, then all of a sudden you throw them at the reader, without explaining them either. How did they come about? Were they humans in the first place and black magic changed them? How did they look, both the witches and fairies. Describe all of it.
Overall I feel that you rushed this story too much. You had dialogue there but lacked description and character. You should work on describing the setting, the time changes, and the how the characters change as they grow older. Since this story seems to exist within two periods, state the changes in the kingdom.
Hope my review helped!
I think the trouble I have is that i have so much info that I don't want to leave out or forget so I just like stuff it in. Maybe I'll just start over. I don't know I do all this stuff on my own so xD
Thanks for taking your time to read and review
I don't focus on grammar in my reviews unless specifically asked to, so I won't go into details about the mistakes in this piece. That being said, you need to go back and check for little mistakes throughout your writing. If you want me to list them for you, PM me.
The opening paragraph was confusing. Why was it a quote? Who was speaking? It was also far too faced paced. Slow it down and explain Eva and Ava's life to us. Describe them more. Tell us more about their personality besides the simple stock descriptions that you gave. The writing in the first paragraph was choppy and uneven as well. Read your sentences aloud so that you can see whether or not they flow.
If Eva had locked Ava away, why did she need to ask her for her portion of the kingdom? If she was as evil as you say, she would have simply killed Ava. Tell us the motivation by this decision so that readers are not confused.
When you described Eva, you called her shy. However, it seems as thought Eva is perfectly outgoing. Make your character choices consistent. If you want her to change as a character, show us the transition. Do not simply change them left and right.
Explain the witches and the fairies better. Tell us about the witches and the fairies powers.
How does she hide her fairy side? Why has it gotten harder to do so?
How much time elapsed between the time of Ava and Eva and the time of your main character? Don't confuse readers with frequent time skips.
Your scenes are far too fast. The scene in the classroom. The random introduction of Lucas. Her flight from home. You need to slow your pace down and use some description. Otherwise, readers are going to be become far too overwhelmed by everything and not absorb any information. Do not write these short, choppy, description-less scenes. They don't have any purpose.
Overall, this needs lots of revision. You need to go back over this and explain, explain, explain. However, you do have an interesting concept and I am excited to see what you write next. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!