Young Writers Society

Hey SereneSimpliciT,

I'm glad to see a new poem by you and get a chance to review it. I like that you're exploring capitalization in this poem with your line "Because He - Not You" and that you're starting to expand your punctuation, although I do have some complaints about your punctuation XD It's just, pushing points really. Not complaints so much as "if you do this it will be even better" type of thing!

Let's get into this.

I'll start by saying that I feel like most of this love poem really doesn't say anything in particular. Let me explain. I'm going to paraphrase your poem doing lines and I'm going to put the stanzas in paragraphs so I don't have to take up a bunch of space.

--, Oxygen doesn't summon / grass into the sky: / she doesn't follow him when she sees him.

Him, not you / -- / can understand / why that moment matters.

Lightning / doesn't get looked at because it asks to: / he knows without talking verbally / We don't talk rich.

: Dawn is at the start of a day / life continues / -- love me until night / and I'll love you until night.

Overall, a lot of these ideas are disjointed for me. For instance, in the first stanza you're using a "not" statement which means that air isn't making the grass blow, so when we go into the relationship between that and the next statement, it should be that she /isn't/ doing something, just like the grass. However, you make it a positive which is misleading I think. If you want to make it clearer, then talk about the wind making the grass move, like he makes her watch when he passes.

On top of that, you have a very weird first line set going on here. Is "Why do I love?" You, sir? a question like "Why do I love?" and the answer is You sir, or what? I mean, that first line is really unclear. Are they asking something or stating something? Or maybe they're referencing "Why do I love" and asking a sir that same question? Then you start out what feels like the actual poem with "Well," on a single line by itself, which makes me believe that this is either a really huge topic, or it's very important that we see they're starting with "Well" but I don't understand why. The poem itself could be stronger without that, without both of that, Just jump in feet first. "Air does not call forth" although I would suggest making the images clearer too.

If we look at your second stanza, I feel like that's one of the ones that really needs some clarity because you have an idea, wisdom which is not understood, but how could wisdom exist without being understood? You can say all day that there is wisdom in a grasshopper, but unless someone understands that wisdom, is it really wisdom? For me, wisdom is only truly graspable when someone understands it, so to have an entire stanza dedicated to "we didn't see how relevant this experience was" without saying what the experience was, or giving any details about how it happened, what happened, or if it is just talking about the love between these two individuals really felt useless. What are we, the readers, supposed to get out of that? Are we supposed to feel sorry for the lost opportunity to gain wisdom of the universe? Wisdom of what? "of that moment" but what is "that moment" and how do you, the speaker, know that wisdom was lost, left unperceived, when you "us" "we" did not perceive it? It's a conundrum that doesn't help the poem.

My last comment is that I really dislike "till" being used in place of "until" because look at the spelling there. "Till" has an extra L, "Until" just has one L. If we shorten "Because" to "Cause" we are changing words, but if we shorten "Because" to "'cause" then we're not. Why? the apostrophe 'cause we know that it means we're leaving part of the word out, it's original use was for conjunctions like can't but when put at the beginning of a word, like 'til it means that we're dropping off the top of the word to speak in slang. That way, we're not tilling land, but 'til as in a segment of time, a preposition.

In general, 'till' might have been used in old English in this manner, but today, it means something different and we have different spelling. We don't spell of "ov" and we don't spell played "playde" any longer, or "bee" for be any more because language has moved forward, and so must we. If you want to harken back to old tongues in your spelling, than do it through the entire poem, otherwise it feels out of place.

So, all in all, I love that you're exploring. I think your punctuation explorations are going very well as well, but I'd work on clarity and getting the message you want to say, the feeling you want to say, to the reader so that we're not stuck wondering if what you said actually means anything or if it's just pretty words put together. I'd suggest rewriting this poem to see if you can find better symbols to associate with the language you want to use.

All in all, I hope this helps you write the next great wonder. I'd love to see how a rewrite turns out.

Aley

Yo, Serene! Here I am, ready to provide a few of my thoughts and criticisms on your take of Emily Dickinson's Poem 480. So, let's begin!

...Alright, this is something I like. Well done! You do a wonderful job of crafting a vivid and beautiful poem about the nature of romance through your well constructed lines. It reminds me a lot of Emily Dickinson's style, particularly when it comes to your usage of dashes and a similar set of capitalization rules, but it also comes across as a rather distinctive poem in its own right. And, of course, since you have based this poem off of one of Dickinson's, it comes as no surprise. Regardless, I love this - it's emotional, brilliantly written, and there is something your structure and arrangement that is sensible and yet more experimental than the average poem that I read. Too, you take the time to build your characters and setting, describing the nature of love through a clear and bright example and tying that meaning into their vary lives, in such a way that it leaves a strong impression within my mind. Your sense of imagery and scenery is fantastic, and it clearly displays itself in your set of comparisons and words thrown around, such as "We aren't of word like aristocrats," and the rather heartfelt ending, "love me till twilight/As I love thee till dusk." Thus, all in all, you did a wonderful job balancing your sense of creativity in the poem itself with that of the poem's style and composition, which is an challenging balance to pull off. Yet, you did so.

Personally, the most I can say with regard to criticisms is probably going to be nitpicking. You don't necessarily have to capitalize the first word of every line, for one - it's standard among poets, and certainly more of a stylistic choice than any, but I tend to capitalize the first word of a line when I feel it begins a sentence or train of thought. Beyond that, there are probably a few places in the poem in which you could insert commas, such as "Not You/Neither of us in fact." In general, you don't need to add a comma at the end of every line; however, I like to visualize by stanzas like paragraphs and sentences, and I also read it aloud to see where I pause, which are often appropriate places to insert commas. Otherwise, I'd like to point out that "Because He," which is interrupted by a dash that provides another train of thought, never seems to have one of its own. It spirals off into the distance, overshadowed by the third, impressive stanza. I dunno if you necessarily have to keep it for that reason - it doesn't add much here, in that regard.

However, that's about it. Well done! This poem is solid, beautifully crafted, and I admire the sensations and emotions that you carry throughout the piece, particularly when it comes to the devotion of love like green blades carried off by air that did not will it to be so, or the certainty of lightning like love, neither needing words, and the nature of dawn and love as a continuation of life. Thank you!