Serendipity Life #1

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Okay, so far, I am really liking this. The family is coming across as broken, and struggling. The girl kinda puzzled, not in pain, though. She wants to go home was the impression I got from her. She hates being in the hospital, and wants to go home. Is really worried about her family.

Okay, here I go. I'm going to start reviewing.

My father's head rests in his hands. He is breathing quickly, but not crying. My mom's face is hard and stubborn, she bites her lip in anger and disappointment. I glance over in pain at my sister's face. Her hand covers her mouth, her eyes are wild and scared. The nurse comes in and tries to rush them all out, but I cling to my mother's hand. “Wait,” I whisper, “You remember how you said that my birth wasn't planned? It was a happy mistake?” My mother tilts her head, as if trying to find the meaning behind my words. Suddenly, she smiles, nodding. “Maybe dad being here can be that same sort of thing?” I ask before the nurse orders mom out the door and I see black. I don't know if I'm dreaming, or if I can actually still hear the doctors, but I hear someone, talking in a hushed voice. “She might be lucky.” the first voice says. It's defiantly female. Soft-spoken, gentle, and possibly a little shaky. “You've been a doctor long enough to know that there are no 'mights' and no one is lucky.” The second voice is male, rough, and his words are sure and stubborn. He's a know-it-all. Just by his voice, he reminds me of my mother. My mother, I bet she's out there crying and holding on to Veronica.

My father's head rests in his hands. He is breathing quickly, but not crying. My mom's face is hard and stubborn, she bites her lip in anger and disappointment. I glance over in pain at my sister's face. Her hand covers her mouth, her eyes are wild and scared. The nurse comes in and tries to rush them all out, but I cling to my mother's hand.

“Wait,” I whisper, “You remember how you said that my birth wasn't planned? It was a happy mistake?” My mother tilts her head, as if trying to find the meaning behind my words. Suddenly, she smiles, nodding. “Maybe dad being here can be that same sort of thing?” I ask before the nurse orders mom out the door and I see black.

I don't know if I'm dreaming, or if I can actually still hear the doctors, but I hear someone, talking in a hushed voice.

“She might be lucky.” the first voice says. It's defiantly female. Soft-spoken, gentle, and possibly a little shaky.

“You've been a doctor long enough to know that there are no 'mights' and no one is lucky.” The second voice is male, rough, and his words are sure and stubborn. He's a know-it-all. Just by his voice, he reminds me of my mother. My mother, I bet she's out there crying and holding on to Veronica.

With my parents divorced and longing for each other, my sister confused and growing, my grandparents sick and weary, it's too much to handle with me gone, too.

My parents are divorced and longing for each other, my sister confused and growing, and my grandparents sick and weary. It's would too much to handle with me gone.

She's talking too fast, murmuring, her words incoherent, is she praying for me?

She's talking too fast, murmuring, her words incoherent. Is she praying for me?

Hey,

Firstly, let me tell you that I really like your writing style. The way you've brought out the theme of family separation, illness and love altogether in one is amazing. So I have little to say for the review. But just some things that I feel could make this perfect:

"Maybe they will get over me being gone, but will they get over not having anyone to mediate, to solve their problems"
(Instead of *me being gone* you could use a clearer phrase)

"What have they told them?"
(I get that you're referring to the doctors here but it might get confusing for some. So it's better if you mention it for clarity to the reader)

"I'm going to have to let my immune system fight this war for me."
(This sentence is a bit clumsy. Maybe you could keep it simple with *I'm going to let my immune system fight this war for me*)

That's all. It seems like a great plot so good luck for the following chapters. Happy writing

-Ishita Dutt