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Young Writers Society



The Seraph Tree

by SeraphTree


Having a bit of writer's block with Songwood, so I was working on some of my other stuff. Tell me what you think ^-^

~*~

“There’s no use trying to escape.”

The succubus smiled at him, her eyes brimmed with a false light. Her two friends stood with her, their claws eager to rip his flesh. The youth gazed at them, completely unfazed by their violent gestures.

“You can’t hurt me.”

The succubus laughed at his confidence, her eyes flashing as she tossed her head. The fine chain around her ankle sparkle as she stomped a heavy cloven hoof.

“Do you really think this is just a dream?”

Air blanched at her comment. This was a dream wasn’t it? Just his imagination running away with him? The succubus shook her hair out of her face, and began walking away. The giant red Naga looked ready to pounce on him, the spindly bat winged creature on the other side looked as if she had some invisible leash restraining her to keep from killing him.

“What is the most powerful magic?”

“Shiva.”

Instantly there were strands of shadow shooting out around him, lacerating the woman in front of him. She and the demons around her screamed, cringing in the darkness.

Air kicked the covers off and raced to the window. He made to throw the drapes apart but stopped himself. The sunlight was streaming between the lace with little resistance. He sighed, plopping onto his bed, head in hands. These chronic dreams were getting out of hand. He knew he should tell his mother but, some how, telling her about anything that involved a succubus didn’t seem right. Air rolled his eyes, and walked out of the room. It was his birthday that day. Hopefully he would be able to keep his mind away from the dream. He walked down the stairs, deciding to wait with the company before his breakfast.

“Well, well, look who’s finally decided to rejoin the living.”

Air grinned at the guest’s remark, walking into the den. He turned eagerly to the fireplace, his smile instantly replaced with a scowl. The group howled with laughter. His presents were all wrapped in bright green. Air repressed a groan, plopping down next to them. He couldn’t say anything about it, he knew. Last time when he stated that he hated dragons, half his presents disappeared. That had been ten years ago, and he wasn’t about to forget it.

“What do you think of your presents, eh?”

“They’re lovely, Maurice.”

Maurice laughed, his face blushing as he did so. Air turned his attention to the people around the room. Maurice and his slender wife took up nearly the entire sofa, the family cat some how squeezed in on the end. Uncle Darius had pulled a chair next to them, his metallic shades and earrings flashing as he grinned. Next to him was Poppy, the woman that always reminded Air of a hen, clucking her amusement at everything he did. Air smiled at all of them, walking into the kitchen. He could see that breakfast was ready, and there wasn’t much to say anyway.

“How do you like that? No hello or anything. Just eating like a glutton.”

“Leave him be, Maurice. He’s a growing boy.”

“I’d say he’s grown already.”

Air scowled at their comments, pretending to be annoyed. This year he had grown enough that people who met him thought he was at least sixteen. Last year, he looked so gaunt that everyone had been worried that he wasn’t eating properly.

“Here you go dear.”

Air shook himself as his breakfast was set before him. He ate the porridge slowly, watching his mother work. Her long raven hair was swept into a pony tail, and was mixing something in a bowl. Air smiled a little as she bustled about grabbing things from the numerous shelves. She was such a lovely thing, hurrying from a boiling pot to a cook book and back again. As he had done thousands of times before, Air wondered how his father could leave her.

Air glanced up as the kitchen door snapped open, his stomach tensing. Oh, he thought with mild distaste. He pretended not to notice her, helping himself to more porridge. Unfortunately, his mother caught sight of the girl before he could say anything.

“Anahita, how nice of you to drop by.”

“It- it was nothing, Mme. Bristow.”

Air ignored them, concentrating on the food. He could feel Anahita staring at him. It had recently become a habit of hers. A really annoying habit.

“Oh, you can open your presents now, Air.”

Air knew his mother was up to something, but didn’t say anything. It probably had something to do with a present. She like to surprise him, and he didn’t mind.

The youth stood and walked back to the sitting room. He tried to shove the blond in the kitchen to the back of his mind. Anahita and he had been pretty good friends when they were younger, but something about her had changed. What ever it was, he found it very aggravating.

Air plopped down in front of his presents, dragging the largest towards him. He ripped it apart in a matter of seconds and found himself gazing at a black slinky. He jerked off his pajama shirt excitedly and pulled the turtleneck over his head.

“What a handsome devil you are.”

He grinned at Darius’s comment, ripping apart the rest of his presents. His grin widened as he pieced together a black uniform. Black breeches, new black boots, a bigger hard hat. He dressed himself in the black garb, ignoring the pretend shock behind him. He was stopped when he tried to put on his new breeches.

“Alright mister. That’s all we want to see.”

“That’s right, get out before you blind us all!”

Air grumbled at the comment made by Elise, Maurice’s wife. It was just because Anahita was sitting there. They wouldn’t have cared so much if she had stayed home.

Air stepped into the hall, pulling the pants on as fast as possible. He wanted to get the party over with so he could go to the stable. He turned to the hall mirror, admiring his new clothes. Every article was solid black. Something about seeing himself in his favorite color made him feel good- almost too good. Air walked back into the room, shaking his head at the whistles and comments.

~*~


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287 Reviews


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Wed Jul 30, 2008 8:44 pm
Moriah Leila wrote a review...



A very interesting start, although I had to go back through and reread it because I was a little confused. Maybe you could clear this up if you stated who was speaking. I noticed that throughout you never did show who was talking unless you made a comment about it in the following paragraph. Kind of bugged me. But your dialouge is very strong which I admire because that seems to be where I struggle the most. I like your character Air, could use a little more physical description of him. Also what time period is this set in? I feel like it is kind of mid-eival, but then I get the feeling that it is modern time. Perhaps you could clarify? I didn't read the other critiques so forgive me if I repeat something.

Some quick suggestions:

The fine chain around her ankle sparkle as she stomped a heavy cloven hoof.


Sparkled.

I've always thought of drapes as being made of some heavy fabric like velvet to block out the sunlight and yours are made of lace. Curtains might be a better word.

It was his birthday that day.


This is too telling, can't you show us it is his birthday? Also how old is he?

Well, well, look who’s finally decided to rejoin the living.”
Air grinned at the guest’s remark, walking into the den.


Who is the guest? What is their name?

Air smiled at all of them, walking into the kitchen. He could see that breakfast was ready, and there wasn’t much to say anyway.


Air smiled at all of them before walking into the kitchen. I really do hate the word anyway. Maybe you could just shorten the sentence to say He could see that breakfast was ready.

“Here you go dear.”


I assumed his mother said this, but I think it would be better if you just told us who said this. "Here you go dear," his mother said placing a bowl of porridge in front of him.

Air shook himself as his breakfast was set before him.


Why is he shaking himself? This sentence really doesn't make sense.

Air glanced up as the kitchen door snapped open, his stomach tensing. Oh, he thought with mild distaste. He pretended not to notice her, helping himself to more porridge. Unfortunately, his mother caught sight of the girl before he could say anything.


Meh, I don't like this paragraph. Oh, he thought with mild distaste. Why would he think just Oh? And if he was pretending to ignore her why would it be unfortunate for his mother to notice her before he could say something? Usually you dont say anything to anyone if you are ignoring them.

“It- it was nothing, Mme. Bristow.”


I think you are abbreviating madame here, and I don't think you should. Say Madame Bristow or don't say it all.

“Oh, you can open your presents now, Air.”


This is way too non-chalant for someone who is excited about a surprise. I think it would sound better if you had his mother say, "Why don't you open your presents now, Air?"

She like to surprise him, and he didn’t mind.


Liked.

He tried to shove the blond in the kitchen to the back of his mind.


Blonde.

I liked how well you described his actions, like I could see this scene playing out in my head. Good Job! I hope my critique was not too harsh! = )




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Sat Oct 06, 2007 12:41 am
KAVOR17 says...



I think really said about all of it. I really enjoyed this piece and would like to see more of it. It was hard to understand but that might be solved if there was more to read. :o




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Fri Oct 05, 2007 1:44 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



I liked this. I think you could have added a bit more characterization and more descriptions of the characters and setting but so far, the plot is good and you have some really nice dialogue. At times though, it's a little hard to know who is saying each sentence so when it's not blatantly obvious, perhaps you could just add in who's speaking and that gives you a chance to desribe their voices as well as how they look.

Also, I have a few specific suggestions -

The fine chain around her ankle sparkled as she stomped a heavy cloven hoof.

The giant red Naga looked ready to pounce on him, the spindly bat winged creature on the other side looked as if she had some invisible leash restraining her to keep from killing him. [The second half of this sentence could be smoother. Perhaps something like 'The giant red Naga looked ready to pounce on him and the spindly, bat winged creature actually attempted to do so but was restrained by an invisible leash.']

He knew he should tell his mother but, [s]some how[/s] somehow, telling her about anything that involved a succubus didn’t seem right.

Maurice and his slender wife took up nearly the entire sofa, the family cat [s]some how[/s] somehow squeezed in on the end. Uncle Darius had pulled a chair next to them [Maybe 'Uncle Darius was seated upon a chair next to them...' would sound more natural?], his metallic shades and earrings flashing as he grinned.

Her long raven hair was swept into a pony tail, and she was mixing something in a bowl.

She liked to surprise him, and he didn’t mind.

Overall, I think this is a really good start and I'd love to read more if you decide to add to it. Keep up the good work!





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