A very interesting start, although I had to go back through and reread it because I was a little confused. Maybe you could clear this up if you stated who was speaking. I noticed that throughout you never did show who was talking unless you made a comment about it in the following paragraph. Kind of bugged me. But your dialouge is very strong which I admire because that seems to be where I struggle the most. I like your character Air, could use a little more physical description of him. Also what time period is this set in? I feel like it is kind of mid-eival, but then I get the feeling that it is modern time. Perhaps you could clarify? I didn't read the other critiques so forgive me if I repeat something.
Some quick suggestions:
The fine chain around her ankle sparkle as she stomped a heavy cloven hoof.
Sparkled.
I've always thought of drapes as being made of some heavy fabric like velvet to block out the sunlight and yours are made of lace. Curtains might be a better word.
It was his birthday that day.
This is too telling, can't you show us it is his birthday? Also how old is he?
Well, well, look who’s finally decided to rejoin the living.”
Air grinned at the guest’s remark, walking into the den.
Who is the guest? What is their name?
Air smiled at all of them, walking into the kitchen. He could see that breakfast was ready, and there wasn’t much to say anyway.
Air smiled at all of them before walking into the kitchen. I really do hate the word anyway. Maybe you could just shorten the sentence to say He could see that breakfast was ready.
“Here you go dear.”
I assumed his mother said this, but I think it would be better if you just told us who said this. "Here you go dear," his mother said placing a bowl of porridge in front of him.
Air shook himself as his breakfast was set before him.
Why is he shaking himself? This sentence really doesn't make sense.
Air glanced up as the kitchen door snapped open, his stomach tensing. Oh, he thought with mild distaste. He pretended not to notice her, helping himself to more porridge. Unfortunately, his mother caught sight of the girl before he could say anything.
Meh, I don't like this paragraph. Oh, he thought with mild distaste. Why would he think just Oh? And if he was pretending to ignore her why would it be unfortunate for his mother to notice her before he could say something? Usually you dont say anything to anyone if you are ignoring them.
“It- it was nothing, Mme. Bristow.”
I think you are abbreviating madame here, and I don't think you should. Say Madame Bristow or don't say it all.
“Oh, you can open your presents now, Air.”
This is way too non-chalant for someone who is excited about a surprise. I think it would sound better if you had his mother say, "Why don't you open your presents now, Air?"
She like to surprise him, and he didn’t mind.
Liked.
He tried to shove the blond in the kitchen to the back of his mind.
Blonde.
I liked how well you described his actions, like I could see this scene playing out in my head. Good Job! I hope my critique was not too harsh! = )
Points: 7596
Reviews: 287
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