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Young Writers Society



Songwood.. again

by SeraphTree


Sorry about the spacing everyone.-.-" This is the fisrt part of my story.

I opened my eyes, taking in my new surroundings at once. I could see that I was in a tent of some kind, and a flicker of a flame next to me. There was some muttering behind me, making my insides churn. If Michael or Robin were here, they would have woken me up by now. I swallowed uneasily and turned over, my eyes huge.

There was a hooded figure sitting cross-legged, humming contentedly as she messed around with a mortal and pestle. I stretched a little, my movement making her look at me.

“Can you understand me?”

“Yes.”

I nodded to reemphasize my statement. She smiled and pulled off her hood, shaking her silver hair. I sat there, wondering what I should do. I didn’t see Michael or Robin anywhere, which was quite worrisome. That could mean anything. They could be outside the tent, they could be on the other side of the world for all I knew. I shook my head, trying to think.

“Um, Miss? Did anyone else appear besides me?”

I instantly felt a plummeting in my stomach. Robin had warned against this question. Most of the time, people didn’t even notice you were there, considering that people usually appeared in a huge metropolis. If it were in a smaller area… well, it depended on luck usually. If you met a bunch of head hunters…

“No, there were no people with you.”

The woman chuckled and stood, pulling me up with her. I realized that I was wrapped tightly in furs, mostly by the need to relieve myself.

“Uh, I need to… uh, could you undo me?”

With a few precise movements the woman had me unwrapped. I thanked her and walked out of the tent, quickly finding a private area.

“So, little woman, where are you from?”

I walked back into the tent, stretching and letting out a happy squeak. I considered her question carefully. No one had said anything about being from Earth. I decided to risk it.

“Um, I’m from Earth.”

“Well then, welcome to Fjif, human, assuming that none of your ancestors crossed over. My name is Melek.”

“I’m Kate.”

“Alright, Kate. I want you to tell me something.”

Melek pushed the tent open and walked down a windswept ravine. I hadn’t noticed it before, and it was lovely to see the trees in their autumn apparel, golden leaves dripping from the delicate branches of birches. Home away from home, I thought with a smile. Apparently Melek noticed my gaze.

“These trees were placed her by Mission 983. They have done very well in this harsh landscape.”

“983?”

“Oh, yes. Some scientists from a neighbor planet -Venus I think?- had a strange obsession with collecting things from other worlds. They went to

Earth, I remember.”

“Oh… I see. Um, what did you want me to tell you?”

It was hard to comprehend the magnitude of what she was saying. It was probably because my world associated magic with knights and armor and things of the past. The moment we came to a clearing, and I understood what she was wondering. Standing there, grazing placidly were two bull Wapiti. One black, the other white, both with peeling velvet. I remembered Robin saying that random things will appear with you when you go to different worlds. Did animals fall into the category of random things? I decided that it would be pointless to lie about any of this to Melek, since she already knew about Earth.

“My friend Robin said that random things can appear when you teleport to other worlds, especially when you haven’t done it before.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“She didn’t say. All she told me was that the more to travel to other worlds, the less frequently things appear with you. I don’t know why.”

Melek grunted and examined the deer, offering her hand to each. They were surprisingly tame, making me wonder if some poor Zoo had lost some animals. Melek seemed completely unruffled by this.

“Your animals- Wapiti was it?- are incredibly docile. What are their names?”

“Uh, they randomly appeared with me-”

“Right, sorry.”

Her eyes took on a warm fuzzy look when she stroked the black one. I frowned at them in thought. The white elk could easily be an albino, so that wasn’t too out there for me. The black one on the other hand…I had never heard of a black elk. It had to be a dimorphism, I reasoned with myself. That was the most logical thing I could think of. Of course, coming to another world by magic could have been a factor. I dismissed that when I realized that I hadn’t changed at all.

“Magnificent creatures. Look at that rack. It would be perfect.”

“Perfect for what?”

“My Junk Doe, of course.”

Melek let out a high whistle, striding away from the two bulls. In a moment, a pony sized deer appeared. She had a fiery ginger coat and black stripes that resembled tiger stripes. Even her eyes had the black around it as a cat would. I was half expecting her to have whiskers.

“This is my Junk Doe, Aliante.” Melek turned a smile to me. “I’ve been wanting to breed her, but all the bulls are small. They were shipped up from the south, and don’t survive well in our climate.”

I understood her dilemma, considering where I had lived all my life. I stood in silence, contemplating what she was asking me. These really weren’t my animals, but who ever owned them- or their original home- was a long ways from where we were. I sighed, not convinced. I told the woman my concerns.

“I don’t know Melek. They don’t even look like the same animal.”

I watched the black rub his head on a nearby tree, the white sniffing the doe curiously. Melek frowned at my words, obviously not having considered such a thing. She straightened slightly.

“Kate, could you go get my FS bag? It’s big and black.”

I nodded and sprinted back to the tent. Now fully awake, I could see that Melek had many things there that I wouldn’t expect in a magical world. The tent looked more like a really good science lab. I smirked- if I mentioned it, she would probably say that they weren’t all that good.

I didn’t see the bag she had described, and so began rooting around for it. After a quest through latex gloves and graduated cylinders, it finally appeared next to another tent flap. It was dark in there, so I assumed it was her room. I picked up the bag, stopping when I heard a noise from inside. It sounded like someone having a bad dream. My eyes became instantly huge. If Melek had some sort of relationship going on, I didn’t want to know. I stood, shouldering the synthetic black bag, stopping when I heard a pathetic little noise from inside the room. I set down the bag, thinking of what I was about to do. It really wasn’t my place to poke around like this, even if I was worried. I made up my mind at another small noise. It was painful to hear that for some reason. I walked into the room, my eyes following the sound.

Lying on a cot at the far side of the room was what I had heard. I walked over to him and pulled the sheet down from his face. He had some nasty black stuff that really bothered me. It looked slimy, and moved all around. I grimaced, trying to control my nausea. I glanced at the sheet covering his body, wondering what the black stuff was, and what it was doing to him. I could see it slipping noisily to the floor, huge bubbles popping and reforming and sliming towards the wall. Repulsed, I looked away, my eyes wandering back to the white sheet. I suddenly felt bad for that guy. Here I had been thinking nasty things about him, and he had this slimy, oozy, burping, sticking, bubbling, black nastiness all over him.

Just describing that junk made me want to throw up. I decided that I wanted to get that disgusting festering mass off the poor guy. I rummaged around the room and found what I was looking for: latex gloves. I pulled them on as quickly as possible, leaning over him. My fists were working furiously, anticipating something extremely sickening. I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what came next.

I pulled the sheet down, trying to ignore the giant slurping noise as the junk snapped back to his body. Now that his chest was exposed, I began poking around the thicker parts of the stuff. It moved completely away from my fingers, which surprised me. I thought it would jump on me at a touch, seeing how much it liked to slide around his hands, through his hair, up his nose, down his mouth…

I shook myself, turning my attention back to his chest. Concentrate, I thought fiercely. I was no good to him if I continued to make myself sick. I took a deep breath, gazing at the canvas wall. I was thinking about what Melek had said, about the missions and such. I wondered if they had space stations, and what kind of technology they had discovered. I let my fingers explore his body as I thought, the noise becoming fainter to my ears. If these people were advanced enough to collect things from different worlds, why couldn’t Melek get all this crap off the guy? I paused my hand when I felt him shudder. I looked to see what I had touched. There was something small in his side. A needle, or a thorn perhaps.

“Is this what’s been bothering you?”

I smiled my relief. I was expecting a really nasty hole in his side with the black stuff oozing out. I watched the majority of the black stuff move to the canvas wall and the poor guy’s right arm. For some reason it had kept the smallest tendril attached to this needle. Even though this seemed to be an unlikely source to me, I couldn’t just dismiss it. That would be incredibly stupid of me. I placed a little pressure on the needle, watching for his reaction. I winced at the ominous growl. Things were going to get ugly. “Might as well just pull it out,” I muttered. I took a deep breath and pulled.

The man jerked up, grabbing me by the hair. I stopped everything involuntarily, my mind a giant blank. He shook himself a few times, his hand tightening.

“What are you doing?”

“Pulling a needle from your side.”

He pulled my hair, forcing me to meet his gaze. His eyes were black, reflecting no light at all. He had a cold little smile on his face, his skin a pallid contrast to the goop. I sat there, more than a little awed by him. Why did I even go in there? I should have grabbed the bag and left, ignoring those stupid little sounds.

“How sweet of you, Atlanta.”


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Sat Sep 29, 2007 3:26 am
SeraphTree says...



Thanks everyone ^-^V All your advice was helpful. -.-" Yeah..... 'mortal' was a typo too. Now I keep thinking of a mortal and pistol XD
Um, I haven't read the Pendragon books, or seen Heroes, but what really helps me is The Black Stallion movie. Mostly because it uses imagery instead of words. LOVE that ^-^
I'll fix those things, and send and update. :D :D :D :D Again, TY everyone :D




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Fri Sep 28, 2007 3:10 pm
Aisho wrote a review...



Your grammar and your spelling needs work, but other than that, this was excellent. You managed to introduce us into a completely alien world and still make it feel as if we at least had an idea of what was going on. -- and without an info dump! Congrats.

PM me when you post another ~ I'd really like to read more!




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Fri Sep 28, 2007 3:09 pm
Stori wrote a review...



Oh, Pendragon :D I used to read those. It's neat how the author alternates between Bobby and his friends. I read up to "The Realiy Bug" and was never disappointed.

So, yes, the story is like Pendragon. One thing that's missing is the "Uncle Press" figure. In plain Terran, the main character's guide.




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Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:41 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot wrote a review...



Muchly cool! Definitely worth the spacing wait. ^_^ Thanks, by the way, for that. Makes all of our jobs much easier. :D

This seems to be a sort of mishmash of the Pendragon series (read it?) and the uberly-awesome-TV-series Heroes. XD But then, I connect everything to Heroes, so nevermind that part.

But anyway, have you read the Pendragon series by D.J.McHale? It features travelers to different planets/territories, too. I only have a few nitpicks here and there:

“Well then, welcome to Fjif, human, assuming that none of your ancestors crossed over. My name is Melek.”


Assuming that what? What does that assumption refer to?

“Oh, yes. Some scientists from a neighbor planet -Venus, I think?- had a strange obsession with collecting things from other worlds. They went to Earth, I remember.”

An apostrophe or coma, I can never remember the two, after "Venus".

You also capitalize "wapiti" throughout the entire piece -- no go, sadly. :P

I also enjoyed your description of the goo. You made it sound kind of like a seven year old girl -- you know how they hate mud and goop. XD Unfortunately, at least two adjectives have to be cut out of there. XD Bit too long, though I really did enjoy that line. I like Kate so far -- she's not quite skeptical enough to be, say, really mature with this sort of stuff, but she tries to stay calm/doesn't go hyper.

As a matter of fact, there's not much here, even for a whizz-whizz-pikthru.

What I can advise:

Actually, I meant for you to go back and edit your earlier post, but whatever. I would suggest rating this a PG, PG-13 -- that'll get it onto the front page and more reviews.The rule is -- no rating, no front page. :P

And that's it! If you update this, would you mind throwing a PM my way with the link? I'm very interested. (The PM will also make sure I get back to you. I have a lousy memory that way. XD)

Very cool.

~Sumi




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Fri Sep 28, 2007 6:59 am
TheEccentricScribe wrote a review...



Intersting . . . Very different, very different indeed. Beginning the story this way has got me eager to find out answers to all sorts of questions; who are her missing friends? Where was she going, why was she leaving, what's her mission, why is that lady so calm about her presence, why is she so nonchalant about being in some random place and not feeling weirded out by the lady who isn't weirded out by her? I'm glad you have these questions left unanswered, at least most of them (except for that last one), because it leaves a lot for you to explore and reveal to the reader. As shocking and odd as the circumstances are, they're delivered so colloquially that the reader isn't going "What the heck, this makes no sense!" and is instead thinking, "Wow, I wonder what's going on here . . ."

In short, I like what you've started with. However, there's a couple of things I need to point out.

First of all, it's mortar, not mortal. A mortal is a person who can die. A mortar is the bowl they crush medicine in. ~_^

Typo: "These trees were placed her . . ." Should be "here."

Weird creepy guy with creepy ooze! I wanna know what the heck is going on here, lol. Update!





You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott