Prologue to Eir's Dream part 2

I realize there are some parts in here that don't make sense; the part where Silvani starts killing people, some of the descriptions of her when she transforms... etc. I realize this might be a little long, but I don't think it would flow as nicely if I made it into three posts. ^o^"

*

“What a coincidence your Majesty. We were just looking for you.”

“Funny. I was about to say the same thing.”

There were sounds of laughter and guffaws. Perhaps ten, but no more. Nishant glittered and made himself blend into his surroundings. In a moment he was standing behind his wife, gazing at the rafters and windows. No, there were more than ten. Possibly forty, or around there. That meant that their previous conversation had been overheard, and was now being conveyed to the Black Unicorn. Nishant wrote this on his beloved’s mind. She replied by tightening her grip on her sword.

“Your insurgence won’t last Asfini. We will carry on without you.”

“We are twelve thousand strong. Your puny kingdom will fall,” she said, walking leisurely towards Silvani, “Your family will die; there will be nothing left.”

“If I perish, I perish; this Kingdom will go on.”

There was a rumble and Silvani was instantly coated in metal. The rogues hiding in various rafters and corners appeared around Asfini protectively. The Unicorn frowned, then pouted, ridiculing the Phoenix before her.

“Don’t want to talk anymore? I thought your kind were peaceful.”

The laughter that followed sounded hollow and vaguely unreal. Nishant looked away; he knew that she was only displaying half of her true form, but it still left him feeling slightly disturbed. Her skin, her clothes, even her eyes and hair were coated in the coveted metal. Phoenix Heart, the traders called it, for the heart was always made of it. He shivered as her element gathered around her, killing half of the people in the room. Giant silver feathers gathered around her shoulders and arms.

Silvani opened her mouth, a shimmering note filling the air. The Great Hall thundered a reply, various pieces of stone cracking and shifting. The people there tried to leap on her, incinerated at a touch. Nishant stood there, completely shocked as she swiftly and neatly killed all of them. Her heat couldn’t affect him fully, being the son of the Long. Nishant blew a small puff of smoke, using it to glaze his skin. He watched the evil woman across from his wife.

Asfini merely frowned as her meat shield was cleanly decimated around her. Nishant maintained his position behind his wife, tripping a few into helplessness. Silvani paused and turned a sad smile on him.

“Run.”

Nishant shook himself, ignoring the Black Unicorn’s gathering darkness. His eyes widened. There had to be something he could do. Being the son of a Long, he had powerful magic of his own. He gazed desperately around the inferno, looking for some sort of weapon, anything that would help. The Phoenix shook her head sadly.

“Run my Love. It is no use.”

Nishant glanced at the monster behind his love, and back to her silver eyes. Here stood the woman that had carried his children, mourning the loss of each one as they traveled back to the Land of the Sun. This, the woman who had saved him from the Black Unicorn’s meadow, who had married and become his wife. Even now she carried precious twins inside of her. The twins themselves carrying great power. He knew that Asfini was here because of them as well as himself.

Silvani smiled and crossed a sign over her heart. Nishant mimicked her motions, his heart plummeting. The symbol of goodbye, was not a good one in this situation.

“I’ll see you later?”

Silvani smiled her sweetest and turned to face the monster before her. Asfini, the great black horrible joke of a wolf roared and flew at the Phoenix. Silvani transformed into her glorious form of the full Phoenix- a giant golden loon- flames erupting and showering around her, eating the wolf’s fur. The whole Great Hall rained down on them.

Nishant jumped out the first hole that appeared, flying as fast as his wings would permit him. The sounds of the battle outside the castle faded as all the soldiers and magicians alike turned to gaze at the two immortals fighting in the withering castle. Nishant shook his head in flight as he watched them stand and gaze at their doom mounting in greater and greater power.

There was an explosion of magic, sweeping the land, killing everything in its wake- so quickly that there was no sound, save for the earth and elements groaning their anguish. There was a giant ring of fire surrounding the castle and the city. Beyond that the crippling effects of the Unicorn’s magic became evident.

The force of magic smashed Nishant into the thick trunk of a tree, his arm snapping from the force, a branch spearing him through the chest. He groaned at his fresh impalement, turning to gaze at the destruction behind him. Black clouds swirled over the castle, lighted by the fire within. There was a deep, ominous rumble and a river of molten rock slithered from the crater at the top of the mountain, purging the land of all its infirmities and filth.

Nishant gazed at the lava below him wearily, his heart heavy. How could the world heal from such destruction? How could anything live after this? He thought of all the people he had known, all the people that were now dead, or whom he would never see again. Nishant grimaced and tried the branch. It was too deep and too long to pull out.

He came out of his thoughts to weep for his wife, and lost children. It seemed that the world could not get any darker. What kind of people had they become? What had happened to the value of life, of its sacredness? The world was dying, and it was because of the arrogance and greed of his people. Over-harvest of fruit and seeds, clearing too much land. Already the Moore was getting wider, destroyed for little or no reason. Not only that, but he was impaled by a tree, dying from blood loss.

The tree shuddered and groaned. He paused his thoughts and tears when a vision opened to him. In a moment, he was seeing Silvani, his beloved wife. She was covered in blood, holding two shiny golden eggs in her arms. She dragged herself to the river boiling from the lava, and shoved the eggs into a little boat, the kind used by children or small people. Inside, the transparent glowing eggs revealed his two children, both asleep, facing each other. He smiled as they drifted down the gentle flow of water. A Rose Maiden caught the boat in her net as she fished for her own two children. She looked confused, the destruction invisible to her Unicorn’s meadow. Her children appeared, attempting to cook the eggs. He smirked. Cooking a Phoenix egg would take some time.

Silvani appeared to him again. She smiled and extended her hand to him.

“Come, my love; the night is over.”

He heaved a sigh, the sound of everything fading. The destruction, the lava, the death… it was gone. The pain and weight of his mortal body was lifted from his weary shoulders. He smiled at his tall wife and took her hand, walking with her to the Land of Rest.

*

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
SeraphTree
Comment

Thanks for the advice. :D Well, I was thinking about it, and... it would seem a little silly if Silvani couldn't protect her children, considering how powerful she is.

Is it about the children? MUWWAHAHAHAHAHA! You'll just have to find out. :D I can tell you more in a PM if you really want to know. :D:D:D

Thanks for the crit, White. I'll see what I can do to fix that up. :D

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.White.Poem.
Review

Here I am again! :)

The laughter that followed sounded hollow and vaguely unreal. Nishant looked away; he knew that she was only displaying half of her true form, but it still left him feeling slightly disturbed. Her skin, her clothes, even her eyes and hair were coated in the coveted metal. Phoenix Heart, the traders called it, for the heart was always made of it. He shivered as her element gathered around her, killing half of the people in the room. Giant silver feathers gathered around her shoulders and arms.


This is interesting. I like the description here, I can picture her transformed form quite well.

Asfini merely frowned as her meat shield was cleanly decimated around her.


I like this line, I thought it was funny.

The symbol of goodbye, was not a good one in this situation.


Get rid of the comma.

Not only that, but he was impaled by a tree, dying from blood loss.


This doesn't really fit in with the rest of the paragraph if you ask me. I'd put it into the paragraph above.

One other little thing you've heard me say before: please add some speech tags.

I can see now why it may not have been such a bad idea after all for Silvani to go up against Asfini instead of Nishant. I know you'll change his passiveness a bit, so I think it'll be alright. As I said on the other part: I could only judge his actions by what I knew about him then.

Also, I'm really glad the children made it, I actually got a little angry the moment it seemed they had died along with Silvani. I wonder what will become of them. Is that what the rest of story is about?

As for the pacing, I think you did alright, except for the sudden destruction of the kingdom. Perhaps a few more lines on Nishant trying to get away in time or something else might ease the reader into it a bit more. Now it reads as 'They were fighting with their super powers. Everything was suddenly gone in an explosion of magic.'.

I think this part of the prologue made a lot more sense than the (stand alone) first part. I really enjoyed reading this. :)



I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother