Published October 27, 2011
As I walked down an empty street,
I gazed upon what once were my feet.
But to my deepest fears,
I only saw a River of Tears.
But I hope you're happy out there.
Living life without a care
These cascades I just can't bear!
I walked across the reluctant road,
Of my past mistakes, and your heart of gold.
What I saw, I cannot record on paper, nor sheet,
An angel, the glory of my heart's last beat.
But now all that lingers is a memory.
It has left me feeling ever guilty.
As I see what is nigh,
What is nought, what can't comply,
I realize my fears are said and done:
The River of Tears has just begun.
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I loved it. It had a fluent movement of syllables and rhyme. I can also make a connection to the poem, such as a dead relitive, freind, or pet that you feel guilty about, but just cant shake the tears so you let them flow like a river. It is truely a beautiful poem and I love how I can relate. You also used a good choice in vocabulary and diction, which also helpped the flow of syllables and the rhyme.
Overall I thought this was an okay poem. Not great, but not horrible either.
However, I felt like your rhyme scheme was forced. For example:
You should focus more on getting the rhythm to be more regular, rather than making it rhyme when it doesn't need to!
Sorry this review was so short, but I hope it helped a little!
- Heather
That title drop is so painful... so, so painful...
Title drops work best when they are subtle. The italics and capitalization are really overkill. Especially the second time around.
Personally, I prefer the "naught" spelling, and it is far more common from what I've seen. Plus "nought" makes me think "nougat", and I read it as such the first time.
Overall, the rhyme really hurts this poem. It's really obvious that you forced things to rhyme, and while I've seen much worse, the fact remains that the rhyme scheme is choking this poem and leading to awkward, meandering phrases that don't always make sense.
I would recommend rewriting this poem without the rhyme and seeing what you get. Otherwise, this poem needs some major overhauling to make the rhyme more natural and the lines leading to them less convoluted.
Thanks! I've posted a few new works as well. And, as you can see, I just joined yesterday, so I'm still getting the gist of this site. I love it though. I would love to read your works too. =D
I'm not exactly an experienced writer of Poetry so I can't exactly give you a hard critiquing, but from what I know, the flow of was quite good. I enjoyed the deeper message is gave me, which actually speaks to my past experiences.
And considering this is an older Poem of yours, I'd be interested to see how you've transgressed as a writer of poetry. Like many other Poetry writers that I know, it tells a story of what is going on in their life and with enough work, tells an entire chapter of your life. Which is actually amazing if you think about it.
Very good, I would like to read more of your work.