-Dream-
There’s a girl off in the distance. I’m crawling trying to reach her. One hand in front of the other, I try to stand only to collapse. Giving up I roll onto my back and lay there. Suddenly the girl is above me, her features are that of a girl around the age of 16 but she has “cat ears.” She had the smell of strawberries floating around her. Her hair was a long auburn red which added accent to her beautiful blue eyes. At the edge of the iris a small section was a deep dark red. Her skin had a light tone to it, no form of disruption on the skin. She had a smile that made you want to smile back. She was wearing a red dress that seems as if it were made of the purest silk.
She bends over her hair just barely falling past her chest. Her left ear flicked as she got closer to me. I layed there unsure whether or not I should reach up and touch her or not. Her hair touched my face and…..
-Reality-
I jolt awake; I’m drenched in sweat gasping for air. Slowly I reach up to scratch my head while I look around making sure I’m in my room. “Ugh what is up with this dream? This is the second time it’s happened! I just want to know who that girl is.” I look over at my clock and notice that its 4:03 am. “aww man come on couldn’t I have gotten a couple more minutes of sleep” I get up and throw my clothes making sure everything is perfect as the student council president needs to set an example. “Alright well I need to hurry to catch the second bus if I want to get those papers approved for the festival in time!” I run out the door forgetting I’m on the second story and trip over the rail and land on my back hitting the ground pretty hard. “Ahh, ow, ow, ow that hurt” I scratch my head sitting on the ground preparing to get up. “Um Akuya-kun are you okay” A light voice says coming from the gate?
Next the sound of walking can be heard and above me appears Rin Chizuho my childhood friend and vice student council president. “A-are you okay Akuya-kun” she ask’s again? “Ahhahaha yeah I’m fine thanks for asking Rin-san” I say slowly standing up and dusting myself off. “Well we need to hurry I want to catch the first bus because we still have a lot of work left to do on the festival preparations” she says grabbing my hand and tugging me along. “Gah alright I can walk on my own” I yell moving a bit faster to keep up with her. “We are going to have to take the long route to catch up with the first bus and we need to run so let’s go!” I say as I begin running with Rin-san right on my heels.
About halfway there Rin-san stops and says “hey Akuya-kun you seem bothered is everything okay?” “Hmm, oh yeah everything’s fine why do you ask?” I say as I stop a bit further ahead because I didn’t realize she had stopped. “You just seem to be acting different this week like something’s wrong. You know that if there’s anything wrong you can always count on me to be there.” She said smiling and running up to catch up with me. “Alright well I’ll let you know if there’s anything wrong also should we run to reach the bus stop.” I ask a bit puzzled. I didn’t feel different was it the way I was walking maybe? “No we don’t have to run we have enough of time to reach the bus stop before it gets there” she says keeping pace with my footsteps. “Hey Akuya-kun what do you think of me? I mean we’ve been friends for a long time and I’m just curious” she says while walking. We continue to walk for awhile and the bus stop come in sight “Well Rin-san you’re like a little sister to me.” “Oh really alright then” she says speeding up a bit forcing me to speed up to keep up with her. “Did I say something to upset you Rin-san?” “No I’m fine let’s go” she says running up to the bench and taking a seat.
After about forty-five minutes later we get off the bus and walk for about fifteen minutes to reach the campus. As we enter I look around the entrance I notice a group of first year girls chatting and laughing. As Rin-san and I walk by them we both wave and say good morning. I give a slight smile as they run over and begin walking with us. The first to catch up with us is a blonde haired girl; she smiles brightly and says “good morning Akuya-senpai and Rin-senpai. What brings you to school so early?” The others walk up and say good morning. Rin-san replies “just here to finish up some student council work, what about you girls why are you here so early?” They look at each other and then say “we heard that Akuya-senpai gets here early and sometimes exercises and we were hoping to talk to him!”
My eyebrows rise “Eh, why me” I asked stunned? The third stood off to the side, her light blue hair lying softly across her shoulders. She had a slim body, and blushed as the blonde haired girl pushes her in front of me. “Well ask him” she says ad she steps back away from the girl. The girl looks up blushing as she stammers “My…na-name is….. My name is Namoki Seyuna. I was w.w.w.wondering if A-Akuya-senpai would….” She blushes deeply and turns away. The blonde haired girl stepped forward and says “What she’s trying to say is that she’s wondering if you would come over and visit our food stand? She’s going to be cooking and she would like if you would taste her food.” “Well I would love to, but there will be a few other things I have to attend to before I will be able to visit. Also my own stand will be cooking if you’d like you can come visit and taste some of the desserts” I reply without another thought. The girl whirls around a smile now placated across her face, giving off a gleam that would brighten anyone’s day. “Alright thank you, I understand you have other stuff you will have to see to and I’ll be sure to come over to taste Akuya-senpai’s cooking. Well I guess we should let you guys get to that work!” The three girls walk over to the side of the entrance to the south building and begin chatting again.
Rin-san and I make our way to the student council room and take our seats. We split the giant stack into two and begin sifting through them, stamping for acception and throwing away the disapprovals. After about another thirty minutes Kariyu Genji walks in and yells loudly “I’m on time Akuya-senpai! Is there any work for me at 5:30 this beautiful morning?” I stand up and split Rin-sans stack. Next I walk over and slam the large stack down in front of his seat. “Gah senpai I was joking c-cant you take it easy today” he says staring at the stack of papers now sitting in front of him. “No we have to get these done today so that means you’ll be up here during lunch also” I said sitting back down. “Oh sounds like Kariyu has already messed with Akuya-senpai” Otsumi Pakori walks in and walks all the way behind me, throwing her arms around my neck and leaning over in a seductive manner. “Akuya-senpai is there anything I can do for you and can I get my portion of the work” she says leaning more pushing her breasts against my neck. “First you can get off me, second you can take this and get to work” I split my stack and slide it to her. “Thank you Akuya-senpai” she removes herself from around me and takes the stack. The first bell rings and hour later signaling that first period is starting soon.
Alright that’s a wrap for chapter one hope you enjoy please leave a review and tell me whatcha think am I moving too fast too slow or is it at an okay pace? I’m looking for a partner to do this story with in which their character is a Neko that has been appearing in Akuyas dreams and a final episode of……… happens and he finds out why message me if your interested!
Chapter 2: Works ahead with the New Addition
Otsumi and Kariyu head out and go to their respective classes. Rin-san stands up and walks over beside me. Her hand reaches out and stops mine from moving. “Akuya-kun let’s go, you know that were not supposed to be late.” Rin-san looks down at me waiting for me to reply.
“Alright then let’s go” I stand up from my chair and move behind it pushing it in slowly. Rin-san moves to the door and opens it exiting but stands outside the door. I follow behind almost immediately and turn closing the door. When I turn back around Rin-san is there and she’s looking at me. “Alright now I’ll see you at lunch, take care of yourself Akuya-kun” she says before turning around and heading down the hall leading to the south building. I follow but head down the opposite hall to the north part of the building.
The first two periods pass by swiftly and third period comes around. During third period a student enters the class late and is told to go to the Headmasters office. I stand up and speak loudly “I’ll go with her if you don’t mind.” She agrees to let me go as long as I take a large stack of papers to him. After agreeing to her terms and leaving heading towards the headmaster’s office located in the west building Otsumi’s territory. About a third of the way there, the girl speaks up and asks me “Akuya-senpai why did you decide to come with me?” Her stride slowed a bit when she asked.
“Well I was going to ask why you were late and why your elbow is cut through the uniform. Your arm is bleeding and your hands are scuffed up. So all I want to know is why?” I say continuing my regular pace not bothering to slow down. She stopped her hand made it way up to her elbow covering it slightly “I slipped on the stairs when I was leaving this morning.” I turn towards her waiting for her to catch up
“that would only explain why your elbow is cut and also explains why your uniform is ripped. If you don’t trust me or would rather just not tell me then say so and don’t lie to me” I reply kind of coldly as if I spoke straight ice but not out of anger more disappointment. She begins tearing up; the slightest sniffle can be heard behind me. “I didn’t mean to upset you I just feel that if someone has a problem they should come to me. I’m the Student Council President, I’m more than sure we could work out any problems you have”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s also not like I don’t want to talk about it, I just don’t see what someone else can do.” She caught up to me and continued walking with me following behind. “Well you may not see what someone else do, but sometimes they can do more than you think” I said turning down the west hall right behind her.
Upon reaching the headmasters office, she opens the door for me. Once I have entered I close the door with my foot and lock it quickly. The headmaster turns in his chair to face me. His sagged and old features were visible. The wrinkles under his eyes were larger than usual. His eyes showed how they were tired but the poor man couldn’t allow the school to fall into the hands of an immature dean yet. He spoke deeply the rasping of his voice was more of a sign to his aging. “Ah Akuya Senyu Student council President how are you? Are those from your class?” he pointed to the stack of papers in my hand. “yes they are Sir” I set the papers down on his desk and got ready to speak clearing my throat quickly. “Headmaster sir I want to ask that the female that enters after me be relieved of any duties for school and placed under my section of the Student Council Committee.” He looked at me with a smile “You have held a strict measure of four people representing the four sides of the school what has changed that you need another person to help in your Student Council duties?” he asked shifting through several papers on his desk. “Nothing I just feel this will push the girl to be on time and hopefully change her life sir” I replied my mind working hard to find the right words quickly before I step into the wrong boundaries of telling him something un-needed. “Alright then I will entrust this person to you if there is no change she will be removed immediately understand” he looked up from his papers when he spoke this time. “Alright thank you sir” I moved to the door unlocking it and opening it quickly “the Headmaster waits do hurry before class ends.” I stepped out letting her inside “alright thank you.”
I stood there for a good minute and pondered the outcome. “You don’t even know her name yet you’re being nice to her? What do you not care to know my name?” I turn looking around wildly. Speaking to myself I say “that was weird it was almost as if that voice came from my head.” Shaking off the feeling I return to face the wall opposite of the headmaster’s office. “Geez what’s…” the door opens suddenly and the girl steps out bowing “thank you headmaster it won’t happen again.” She closed the door and turned around “headmaster said we should hurry because class will be ending in thirty minutes. We both head silently back to class. Upon reaching the door she grabs my sleeve and gives it a slight tug stopping me. I turn to face her as she begins speaking. “Akuya-Senpai I’m sorry for troubling you do you think we could talk during lunch?”
“Hmm well I would love to but I have Student Council Duties to finish. How about you give me your name and maybe after school we can talk.”
Her reply was a bit slow as if in disappointment but the look of gratitude was clear on her face as she looked at me with a cheery look. “My name is Ikiru Santsu, and I’m a third year.”
“Alright Santsu-san let’s get to class” I move and open the door allowing her to walk in as I stepped in behind her.
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Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

Chapter 1
The first thing I noticed is that you labeled what is a dream and what is not. And the thing is, you don't need to do that. All you need to do is put the dream in italics. That way the readers understand that it's something different. And since you put in there the part of him waking up, it'll all make sense anyway.
Another thing I noticed is that all of your dialogue is in one giant paragraph. That makes it harder for the reader to follow along. The rule that I always keep in mind is to start a new paragraph whenever the person speaking changes. That way the readers will be able to tell the difference between who's saying what.
You did a good job with developing your characters in this chapter. We don't know all that much about Akuya-kun, but I feel like I really know him. Something about the way your wrote his character just makes me really understand him. Good job and keep it up!
Chapter 2
I'm not going to comment about the dialogue again because I already mentioned that about the first chapter.
I really like Akuya-kun's encounter with Santsu-san. I think it's so adorable! He barely know this girl, yet he wants to make sure she's okay. Then he goes to all this trouble to convince the headmaster to let her be a part of his council. I don't quite understand the whole thing about the student council though to be honest. Maybe in later chapters you could explain that a little bit more?
Overall this is a great start to your novel. You've got solid characters, a solid setting, and a solid plot line. I'd like to learn more about these dreams Akuya-kun is having. They're very intriguing.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you very much I was quite discouraged by the last review and was wondering if I should redo the 1st and 2nd chapters adding detail?
Hello Senjiku, Shauzer here reviewing
It's not the idea behind it, the idea is fine. In fact, it sounds like a cool story line. But it's the way you word things, every second line I'm cringing. I mean, listen to this, one example out of a hell of a lot. 'but the look of gratitude was clear on her face as she looked at me with a cheery look' :O So many unnecessary things here. Even if you were to keep the last half of that line, you didn't need to say with a cheery look, that's the third time you said look in one sentence. It hurts me just to look at it, you should have left it with 'but the look of gratitude was clear on her face.' And on the line below that, you said 'I move and open the door allowing her to walk in as I stepped in behind her.' This is worded terribly too. Why did you say 'I move'? It should be, 'I open the door, allowing her to walk in first. I follow behind her.' Even that, in my book, wasn't great. But it doesn't need to be great, it just needs to read well
Your biggest problems are 1. You don't use commas. 2. You don't describe the surroundings, the scenery. You seem more interested in every movement your character is making. This gives us no imagery and is one of the main reasons somebody puts down a book. 3. You're wording things terribly - partly due to the lack of commas - and adding in so many unnecessary details that bore the reader to death.
To be honest, I didn't really like this story. But hey, that just means the review will be more helpful
Also, you need to learn how to use full stops. 'Akuya-Senpai I'm sorry for troubling you. Do you think we could talk during lunch?' See what I did there? See how much better it looks AND reads? Make sure to read back over this story and fix these little happenings. Also, why does everyone look up to this Akuya guy? He seems to be a bossy, suck-up little prat, we all have one and we all hate one. So why does everyone act like his slave? Student council president... Pfft, that doesn't make him God! It ruins the story a bit when your main character is one of the least likable guys in the world. Also, when he talks to himself, he seems to formal. It doesn't sound real. I mean would you ever say this to yourself? '“Ugh what is up with this dream? This is the second time it’s happened! I just want to know who that girl is.”' It sounds too much like your trying to give us information, it should be more casual, I don't like this style of writing. It should go like this :
"Ugh, I just want to know who that girl is!" It was the second time she'd visited Akuya's dreams in the past week and his frustration was beginning to show in the purple bags beneath his eyes.
It doesn't have to be big, as I said before. It only has to be readable. Plus, now we have some description involved, it gives the reader a better picture and keeps them interested. Every single paragraph of this LONG piece looks like you wrote it in a panic to get finished. Slow down, relax. Writing should not be forced, it should just flow. And this piece does not flow.
Also, you're making it too obvious Rin-san loves Akuya, try and be subtle, it is your piece. You have all the time in the world to introduce little details. There are no rules as to how long your work has to be, how drawn out or how slow moving. It could be three thousand pages long but have so many little plots and things the reader can't put it down. TAKE YOUR TIME. Stop trying to introduce everything in the first two paragraphs. But do make more exciting, because so far the only thing not boring that's happened has been Akuya falling at the start. The best piece of advice I could give you, personally, is to read a lot more and keep practising your writing. Because underneath it all this style, which is bad, is just a phase. We all went through it and emerged as fairly okay writers. I still consider myself only okay. But you will get past it, that's for damn sure. I saw some instances during this piece where there was potential, and you can built on that. Keep reading and writing. Look back over your piece when you finish, give it a day then look back over it again (Your mind will be more fresh. It's just like getting an outside opinion.) And make your characters more likable. Also, remember - more descriptions and less unnecessary information. Good work for your first piece, or one of your first pieces. Hoping my review helped,
Keep Writing,
Yours in ink,
TS.