Far Far Away
Surrounded by the circle of judgements,
Nowhere to run except a miraculous fairy tale
And yes, fairy tales are always miraculous.
They have the mercy, the conscience,
Right sense of teasing, laughter for the comedy
And yes, it's just a comedy played by billions...
One day; shouting "peace", turns into carnage
So what do we do when somehow we realise it?
Again, looking for another fairy tale
And yes, fairy tales always tell there's still enough virtue...
Prince saves princess, giants get defeated
This order lasts forever.
And yes, there's actually a "forever"
By the time we live and die,
Before we were born, after our grandchildren
A destiny, can it be called?
And yes, a regular way we go on,
Full of rules, inhibitions, freedom like prison
Where are the real us? Is there a way out?
Surrounded by the forms of existence,
Easily surrendered to what we don't want to be
Nowhere to run except a miraculous fairy tale
And yes, fairy tales are just our dreams
Coming from far far away...
*Hey, everyone!I'm looking forward to reading your reviews, I hope you'll like it!
Selin
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, everyone!
Thanks for reviewing my work, it really will help me a lot.
I think I've written this in a very confusing way, maybe it is because this is a reflection of my own confused mind! But though, without that "and yes" part; I would have felt strange about the theme. I don't know if this usage grammatically true or do you use it in practise, cause I think in some lines, I thought on my native language but wrote it down in English, maybe this is the reason for you to take it weird:)
So, thanks again for your precious tips, I'll keep them in mind!
See you
Selin
I enjoyed it, it's just my cup of tea, but...
I didn't loathe it quite as much as DustyFreeman, but it did get a little annoying a bit quickly. Don't eliminate it all together, it works in some lines, but not in others. And these lines are a bit awkward:
"Giants" is plural but "Prince saves princess" isn't. I'd make both plural or both singular.
Keep it up, though!
Hey there! Welcome aboard to YWS! You'll have much joy here!
So, on to your review!
I absolutely loved it! I could not find anything wrong! You should take the advices above because they seem like the only little thing with this.
It has a good flow; I loved reading it out loud.
Well, this was just to compliment you, not to actually help you, since I think you don't need much help
*Kat*
Hiya! Nice poem you have here. Just one real nit-pick:
I find these lines could be expanded a little. Since you switch from talking about fairy tales to real life, it can be confusing. Maybe if you break this off into a new stanza it would be less so.
An overall thing that bugged me was your use of "and yes" at the beginning of some lines. Call it a pet peeve, but it's not something I like to see.
Something I would ask you to consider is breaking this up into stanzas instead of keeping it as one long stanza. It would make things clearer.
Overall though, I enjoyed this. In fact, I'd like to see a little more on the topic!
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Very great!
I love the theme and how you laid it all out!
Perhaps splitting it in half, and creating two stanzas would help the Judgment.
Just one thing that I could not stand was the "And yes," continuation.
This may have been an alliteration, but am sorry, I just couldn't stand it.
I would be reading through, and I could tell that 'and yes,' would be coming up shortly.
Forgive me if I ruined anything at all...
Great job.