Young Writers Society

Hey, everyone!
Thank you all, you gave me very useful tips and I'm going to work on this poem. I can say that I tried to tell you how this "Little Girl" decided to end her life and go for a suicide, but it seems something is missing! So I'll try to write it again and wait for your reviews!
Again, thanks to you all:)
Selin

Hullo, I'm KayC, and here's what I thought of this poem.

First of all, I'll start off by saying that I loved the whole thing overall. I thought it was very pretty, and, if you were to make a few minor adjustments, I think it has the potential to be a very magnificent piece.

However, as I was reading through it, I found myself in many instances simply wondering, "Why?" Galerius has already gone into great detail about specific places where the question comes up, so I won't go into any great detail. Overall, I was just left thinking, "Alright, so we know the little girl feels this way or that way. But why is it that she feels this way?"

Also, I loved hearing about the little girl, and the poem certainly made me feel for her, but it would be great if you could tell us a little more about her. Give us a reason to care about her. Clue us into her story a little bit.

Other than that, I thought it was a great poem, and it was very much worth the time it took to sit down and read it! Keep the writing coming!

--KayC Writer

The only problem that I had with this poem was that it seemed that it rhymed at random stanzas. This was a very pretty poem, though. I think you did a nice job of catching the depression of a little girl. I liked it. Keep it going.

Hi Selin,

Selin wrote:A little girl,
Standing curious and quiet.
Looks nervous but,
Confident and patient.

Holds her bag tight,
Hugs its cold, wet surface.
Wondering why,
Does she always need to cry?

A little girl,
Thinks about that moment.
Maybe a little sad but,
Not regretful.

Feels so tired but
Seems nowhere to have a rest.
Just the snow,
And a few poor trees.

A little girl,
Searches for a new home.
Pessimistic a lot, but
Not totally hopeless.

Nearly freezes but
Believes in her dreams
That a witch will come
And take her to spring.

A little girl,
Bored with living
And always fighting for something
Then being defeated.

Runs away from all the truths,
Now, losing her aim.
Nothing more sounds meaningful,
Cause she's already given up this big game.

A little girl,
Wants a quick end.
A better way could exist, she accepts
But no other chance, today.

Afraid of what may happen
But determined and brave.
Starts walking again,
To that miraculous bright trail.

With narrative poetry, similar rules apply as to prose. You need to show rather than tell because otherwise we feel no empathy for the character in question. So, if you take this and what everybody else has said into consideration, I think the poem could become something.

I really do like the idea behind it, and I also think, like the others said, that you should step out of your comfort zone and freestyle it. (:

Hi there! I'm going to be reviewing your poem today...
Here's the thing: I didn't care about the little girl. You kept telling me she's sad, she's pessimistic but not hopeless, but that doesn't mean anything to me. I would suggest giving us little clues, little treats to make us (the readers) care. Don't tell us she's tired´; tell us that her eyes, dry from exhaustion (or from too many tears?) refuse to focus, or that her legs tremble, the muscles refusing to take another step. Is she bored with living? Or do those dry, drooping eyes slide over the icicycle-laden and snow-covered trees such disinterest that one could interpret it as scorn? These types of treats are what we readers live for!
Also, you could give us treats about why our world-weary heroine is in her current state. You say she 'thinks about that moment'. What moment? We don't need her whole life story, but a little clue would be nice. Maybe you could slip in there something about a bruise on her thigh the shape of a man's palm, or say something about the wrench in her heart when she left the friends to whom she could no longer belong.
For any of this to work, you're probably going to have to step out of your rhyme scheme and into freestyle. That's okay, just go with it.
This poem can definitey become something. It has a lot fo promise. Work with it.
PM me with any questions.
-Aussie

Hey Selin! June here!

I think that this is a fairly, fairly decent poem, that holds a lot of potential. However! I think it could use some polishing, dear.

Like this stanza:

Holds her bag tight,

Hugs its cold, wet surface.

Wondering why,

Does she always need to cry?