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Young Writers Society



Fairy Control

by SeleneForeverDream


Chapter 1

The night was warm against my bare skin and the breeze that blew had the smell of sweet lilac on its breath. The forest was thickening the air with its damp, suffocating reek of rotting earth. Lichen hung from trees and wrapped around its waist. The green was everywhere you turned, ranging from bright and alien-like to deep and rich. Forests were often this way, but there was something about the Carrilin Wood that drew me in from the first moment I laid eyes on it. I knew it would be my refuge.

If someone ever asks, magic is intoxicating. It doesn’t have to be cast by a wizard or made by a with, magic is as natural as breathing and can be found in the most obscure places. Magic does not follow moral values and doesn’t respect things like free will, because it is as free as a bird. It soars, takes a place to live and thrive, and then slowly dies away. It is inanimate and animate in so many ways that it would take me days to explain it all, but the important part is that it’s alive.

So when I happened upon the Carili Wood in my travels I knew it would be the place where there was an escape from the war. I knew it just by taking a glance that it promised a permanent shelter, one I could live he rest of my days in, and protection. Little did I know that the beckoning was magic, one that really didn’t care for me and rather for its own needs. I never knew what fate the Wood would bring me.

*****

“Gabriel, why do we fight?” Melloni had asked one evening. She had just turned a First Year and had entered her training. She was preparing for combat in the Rain Season, but until then she would experience grueling hours of work and toil, so she one day could fight for our freedom. It was a mandatory course that took up most of an elf’s life and then we would use our training in the battlefield until we died or most likely killed. That was the sad life of an elf.

I saw her sleek, pointed ears wiggle in anticipation of my response. She was the first to question where she stood and why she did it, but only due to her nature. The rest of the First Year Fleet was ready for each command and were non-questioning, but there were occasionally few who broke away from the group. But never one girl who would question her place.

“Hopefully you will never have to.” I replied. Everyone in the elfish community knew that the Twelfth Year Fleet hadn’t returned yet, even the Preceptor hadn’t come back to home base.

The year before only the Preceptor had returned, giving me the devastating news that his whole Fleet had been completely wiped out and some taken prisoner. I could never give this information to the rest of the community, for fear it would dampen the new Twelfth Year’s spirits, but it still sat in my mind like a spike, ready to puncture my heart whenever I happened upon it.

Chances of this year’s Twelfth Year Fleet succeeding on their mission was quite slim, but we needed that tiny flicker of hope to continue our fight for rights and freedom from our demeaning shackles. Many elf women had died for that, year after year, without a single inch of progress. Every move seemed futile against such a powerful force, but we had nothing to lose besides our lives. This makes us fight even fiercer.

Our enemy is small, but it comes in vast numbers. They are fighter fairies, something not like those cute pixies many a generation have mistaken them for. These demons come to slaughter and kill without mercy, conquer our lands and force every other creature to bow to their microscopic species. It is sickening and forbidden within my community to even utter a word about those vile creatures.

Elves, such as ourselves, were treated horribly within the world of magic. We were forced into refuge, where we had to fight for survival. There were many who wanted our race eliminated, especially the fairies. Fairies were the ones who had done the most sinful things to my people. They had crushed their hopes and dreams of a future, forcing us into a small wood. We fought with a fierceness that was hard to counter, but we grew weaker. We couldn't keep up much longer.

So as I gazed down into Melloni’s eyes and saw apprehension, but also eagerness, for what she was born to accomplish, what was I to say?


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6 Reviews


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Fri May 01, 2009 9:57 pm
toribethh wrote a review...



The night was warm against my bare skin and the breeze that blew had the smell of sweet lilac on its breath.

I love this sentence. The descrition is beautiful.

It doesn’t have to be cast by a wizard or made by a with,

you mean witch?

Carili Wood

Wait is it the Carili Woods or the Carilin Woods?


I liked the story and can't wait to find out more about the fairy war.




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Tue Apr 28, 2009 7:30 pm



Thanks for reviewing everyone! :D

Siobhan- I'm going to have to explain better about the warring between the elves and fairies in later chapters, but thanks for the advice!

Syte- Don't worry, your review wasn't brutal. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. :)




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Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:49 pm
telle_04 wrote a review...



hi, selene..

the first paragraph, for me, reads well, but i think there are some sentences that got me off the hook. nevertheless, i think it's a good beginning.

Forests were often this way, but there was something about the Carrilin Wood that drew me in from the first moment I laid eyes on it. I knew it would be my refuge.

so i guess forests are the natural habitats of most fairies..

If someone ever asks, magic is intoxicating. It doesn’t have to be cast by a wizard or made by a witch; magic is as natural as breathing and can be found in the most obscure places. Magic does not follow moral values and doesn’t respect things like free will, because it is as free as a bird. It soars, takes a place to live and thrive, and then slowly dies away. It is inanimate and animate in so many ways that it would take me days to explain it all, but the important part is that it’s alive.

i believe this to be true. i've known some kind of principle the same as this, that not only sorcerers or magicians can have the ability to perform magic.it really is alive.

**

okay, i didn't finish the rest of the conversation, but i have to encourage you to continue it.
you deserve a gold star.

god bless.




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Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:04 pm
Syte wrote a review...



It was a mandatory course that took up most of an elf’s life and then we would use our training in the battlefield until we died or most likely killed.
Change the last part into something like: "until we either died a natural death or were killed in battle. Death in battle was most likely to be it."

That was the sad life of an elf.
This is just a personal nit-pick, and you don't have to do anything about this if you don't want to, but are you saying that the life of every other creature is just handy-dandy? If you're writing a fairy-tale book, than this is acceptable, but if you're going for a more realistic fantasy, than something like this can never be the case. Even during good times, people struggle. It's just a fact of life. Of course, it's possible that I'm just in a bad mood right now and am just using this to vent my frustration, so you can ignore this, if you wish.

“Hopefully you will never have to.” I replied.
If most elves die in battle, or even if it's just most soldier elves that die in battle, than it would be really unrealistic to think that her friend won't at least be in a battle.

Everyone in the elfish
I don't see the term "Elfish" used that often, though I wouldn't call this a mistake, since it is a word, after all. Tolkien preferred the term "Elvish". This is your story though, and I know that. I just thought I would point this out, however. Which word do you think looks nicer?

The year before only the Preceptor had returned, giving me the devastating news that his whole Fleet had been completely wiped out and some taken prisoner
Returned from what? I'm confused.

Many elf women had died for that, year after year, without a single inch of progress. Every move seemed futile against such a powerful force, but we had nothing to lose besides our lives. This makes us fight even fiercer.
I'm really confused here. When I first read this, I assumed that the war being fought consisted only elfin women fighting for freedom against their own race. Then I read the next paragraph where you describe the war being fought against demons, and I didn't see how my assumption added up. The statement I just quoted might be interesting history that can be divulged later in the book, but I'm not sure how it really adds up to the coming battle. If you mustuse it, then go ahead, but just make sure that it doesn't detract from the story.

So as I gazed down into Melloni’s eyes and saw apprehension, but also eagerness, for what she was born to accomplish. What was I to say?
Was it really destiny that led her to become a warrior, or just choice? I'm just asking.

I personally didn't care of the tone of the story. I felt like the epic atmosphere you were trying to create in this story wasn't warranted. I don't know why, either. I wish I could be more helpful on the issue, but the only thing I can suggest is to use the tone which makes you feel the most comfortable. If it's this, than just keep using it. Even if this tone doesn't work out, you can always change it later. Perhaps the reason I found the tone to be pretentious was because it's way too early to try and create such an epic atmosphere in the story. If you were writing a serious and climatic scene, than perhaps.

Also...

“Gabriel, why do we fight?” Melloni had asked one evening.
Uh...maybe because your race will be wiped off the face of the planet if you don't? You go on to state at the end of the chapter how all these fairies want the elves extinct, and her friend is naive enough to ask why they need to fight? If the elves were declaring war just to conquer more land and extend their power, than this question would certainly make sense. Yet she's asking when the lives of her entire kind is being threatened?

I'm sorry if I came across as a jerk in my review. I'm just more sensitive than usual because I'm feeling a bit frustrate right now. Try not to get discouraged, even if I came across as a bit too brutal. It may not be as bad as I make it out to be.




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Tue Apr 28, 2009 10:14 am
WhiteTiger93 says...



Hey, Whitiger here!

Well I just so happen to be in this contest as well (: I don't think I'll finish though ): Anyway I thought this was really good. There is no chance of me winning now (: Very good. I really enjoyed this peice

~Nicole




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Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:03 am
siobhan wrote a review...



Review time!

The night was warm against my bare skin and the breeze that blew had the smell of sweet lilac on its breath. The forest was thickening the air with its damp, suffocating reek of rotting earth. Lichen hung from trees and wrapped around its waist. The green was everywhere you turned, ranging from bright and alien-like to deep and rich. Forests were often this way, but there was something about the Carrilin Wood that drew me in from the first moment I laid eyes on it. I knew it would be my refuge.

I like this paragraph, but I don't think it is the best as a first. I might switch it with the much more interesting second one. The first line of that would be perfect for the beginning of a story! If there was a way you could make the first paragraph come after it, I would do it. The bolded sentence read a little awkward for me. I think it was the way you used "thickening." Maybe, "The forest air was thick and damp, filled with the suffocating reek of rotting earth."
In the sentence after, its should be their.

It doesn’t have to be cast by a wizard or made by a with

I think you mean witch, not with.

So when I happened upon the Carili Wood in my travels I knew it would be the place where there was an escape from the war.

Two things about the sentence. First, I think the "so" at the beginning is a little confusing. It makes it seem like magic was why they thought this, but then the next sentence makes it seem unrelated to magic. Then it is magic again. I would just take out the so, is all.
Bolded Just sounds awkward.

I knew it just by taking a glance that it promised a permanent shelter, one I could live he rest of my days in, and protection.

I know it's the magic calling to the character, but why do they think this? What would a forest do to protect them?

in the battlefield until we died or most likely killed.

It is assumed if they die, they are killed. I think you could just make it, "Until we are killed." If you want to add in other deaths, specify. Starvation, disease, what have you.

Everyone in the elfish community knew that the Twelfth Year Fleet hadn’t returned yet, even the Preceptor hadn’t come back to home base.

I would make this two sentences, splitting between "yet" and "even".

The year before only the Preceptor had returned,

Wait, you just said he didn't.


Overall: Generally, I don't like first person. But you pulled it off with aplomb! I really liked this piece. The writing style is good, and the storyline interests me so far. Also, kudos on near perfect grammar and spelling! :)
I'm not sure if it would make it info-dumpy, but I feel like this might benefit from more information about WHY the pixies hate the elves. And if they're so small, how come the elves don't just squash them? Even a sentence about these things would help the story, I think.
The only other criticism I have is that these scenes seem unrelated to me. I'm not sure they need to be put together, but then it is the beginning and you know what you're trying to do! :)
Also, halfway through the forest's name changed spellings.

In general, great work. Keep it up!





Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence