Break my Heart and Hope to Die

*This chapter is really just to show everyday emotions the main character has. The story's plot will really pick up in the next chapter.*

Break my Heart and Hope to Die

Prologue

I looked into the mirror and cried. I cried so hard my body shook with grief, but I never allowed one sound to escape my trembling lips. Tears fell as a current, a flow of moisture down my cheeks. School would be starting soon, I knew that in the back of my head that was still sane, so I looked up at my ceiling, royal blue with white splotches, and blinked away my tears.

The cell phone was still in my shaking hands, but I was still too shocked to put it down. My vision was blurry, so I felt my way over to the bed where I let it drop to the floor. My frame shook with a new wave of tears as I thought about what Sara had told me. I closed my eyes and felt my energy rush out of me as I was pulled back into the memory that had taken place just moments ago. It seemed like an eternity.

*****

“So Jen, how was your summer?” Sara had asked. I was getting ready for school, packing my backpack at an unreasonable hour in the early morning. I was so excited for my first day of school, filled with this longing to see my friends again. Sara was the only person I had spoken to a few times this summer, everyone else had been whisked away to camps or was on vacation. Sara was my best friend, but I had only seen her a few times, even if she lived only a block away. It was as if we were growing apart, but I was certain that would change once school started again.

Her question was... hard to answer. If you found out your friend was in the hospital, how would you feel? I don’t really think you’d be bright and dandy. He had been in a car accident at the end of the year, driving home with his drunk older brother. His brother was fine, but his little brother, Ryan, had been on his other side where the car received full impact.

Ryan had been in the hospital for months now and I visited him as often as I could, but this summer had been a trying one for me. My parents finally decided to go through with their divorce, forcing the weight on me just in the middle of the summer when I was enjoying myself. This summer had consisted of pain, stress and suffering, so I was really eager to get back to school.

“It was... fine,” I told her. I could hear Sara harrumph, almost in disbelief, but then she quieted.

“Is this about Ryan? I know he was a good guy, but that was a month ago. I guess I knew you guys had a thing.” she said quietly. What was she talking about?

“What are you talking about, Sara? I saw Ryan just a...” I stopped dead in my tracks. Had it really been that long ago that I had paid a visit to my old friend? Had it really been a month? Or more? I counted the days mentally in my head and then recounted. It could have been longer. I took a deep breath, but then smiled. Well, I guess I’ll just have to pay him a visit then. I continued on, “Well, how is he?” I asked.

There was a pregnant pause, but I didn’t mind it. I was putting on my clothes and combing through my wispy thin, blonde hair. I smiled at myself in the mirror and didn’t pay any attention to the awkward silence in our conversation. I was too busy looking at myself in the mirror, my dimples when I smiled and the cute freckles that sprinkled the bridge of my nose. Today was the first day of my freshman year and I had promised myself I would look at least decent.

“Sara, you still there?” I said nonchalantly as I filed my nails.

“Um, yeah.” she said breathlessly. She seemed to be bordering hysteria.

“You okay?” I asked, concerned. She exhaled quietly, calming herself and then began,

“Jen, I think you’d better sit down.”

*****

That’s how I had ended up on my bed, still gripping the phone in my shaking hands and sobbing. My whole frame trembled and shook as the earth seemed to melt away beneath me.

Ryan had always been more than my friend, he had been my life-line.

“I guess I knew you guys had a thing.” Sara had said. Yes, I think we did like each other, whether he felt the same way or not, I guess I would never know now. Ryan was a rare person that I don’t think I’ll ever have the chance to know again. He was distinct in the matter of how he lived life, always brightening a room of unhappy people, smiling even in his hospital bed the last few times I saw him. He was a person unlike any other I’d known. And he was gone forever.

I began to choke as I thought these things, my throat constricting as if I was being strangled. My body was beyond tired even though I had woken up moments before, but I continued to tremble as I tried to calm myself. I have to get to school, I thought firmly. But my body didn’t respond. I tried to wipe away the torrent of tears that were so determined to fall, but I couldn’t. I didn’t care about my first day of my freshman year, the only thing that was on my mind was Ryan.

Exhausted, I finally gave up and sagged into my soft bed and closed my eyes, clutching the small cell phone to my breaking heart.