The new girl's name was Winnie. Her English teacher, who looked like a turtle in a sweatervest, glanced at his attendance sheet and said, “Like Winnifred?”
Winnie said flatly, from the back of the room, “Like the Pooh.” The class (or the fraction of the class that wasn’t asleep) laughed. Winnie was so cool.
It was obvious that she was a badass before she spoke, actually. Obviously, you had to have some nerve to have that many holes in your ears, and you had to have, in the students’ minds, some great, godly willpower to convince your parents to shave half your hair off and dye the rest of it green.
Winnie stroked it forward, pulling a couple of tamed curls out of hiding. Almost self-consciously. More likely arrogantly, though.
She was punkish, so her natural state was arrogance. Obviously.
That’s what the teacher thought, anyway.
In his day, people only shaved their heads if they had cancer. Now they went, all casually cancerous-looking, for kicks. It was cool now.
What this world was coming to. Forget the polar bears. Human society was disintegrating in front of his eyes, and he was suffering through every minute of it.
Winnie was tired of switching schools. She didn’t like trying to assimilate into all these dull-colored kids over and over again. And they were the same everywhere she went.
She wasn’t a circus act. She just liked having green hair. Was that really all that different than being a dye-blonde?
No, she said to herself, sighing sharply. No, it isn’t. She flipped the cover of her new, used copy of the assigned book, and wrote her name in it, under Noah Berezki, who was the last person to read it, apparently, or to look up the plot of it on Sparknotes.
Winnie Cares, she wrote.
Winnie did not care. She’d read Catcher in the Rye at her last two schools before this one, and she could quote paragraphs from it if she tried.
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139,601 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Insightful.....
ha! how?
You also have too many italics. Italics should be used sparsely after a while the reader sees them more as an annoying stop in the story. It no longer highlights a certain word you wanted to stand out but the reader begins to wonder why they're paying attention to the words in italics when you use them all the time. That advice was given to me from a very accomplished writer, and mentor. So don't think I'm just nit-picking at things.
You have a very strong voice, and you use a lot of adult language in your story. It's very good that way. There's a sense of self, that guides the reader into this persons world. You accomplished creating an interesting enough person. Interesting choice for a name. Why did you choose it?
I'd say that your character is a story here if you wanted to pursue it further. But don't keep Winnie trapped in school, Winnie is a character for the world if you understand my meaning. She has important things to say. Important commentary of the world that a reader would find interesting.
I saw also that you have an attachment to the first sentence. Saying you'd be sad to see it go. Sometimes even your greatest sentence has to go. Sometimes you just have to cut it loose, because it was just too great. I remember writing a chapter I really enjoyed for my novel, and then two months later realizing that the scene wouldn't work, and it doesn't make sense in the story. So I had to cut it, and re write it to be more fitting. I've done that too many times to count. Rewritten whole chapters even ones people said they liked most. It's a hard thing to do but knowing you've crossed the line somewhere means you have a responsibility to act on your mistake, however grand it may be.
Something that any experienced writer is going to ask, and this may annoy you. But what is the POV here? At first I know it's Winnie but then you get into the mind of the teacher, and then back to winnie. It's slightly confusing. I'd say your POV is omniscient but maybe that's not what you want to do. Seems like an easy fix to me. I think you know what you're doing, and you'll really grow into a fine writer.
P.S.
Watch your adverbs. You didn't use too much but most times a sentence is better without them. Sometimes I just write them anyway though, because there's nothing I'd rather say.
Wow, thanks for the review!
The sentence I liked was cut so it sounds smoother now, and I have to agree that it reads much better.
I'm not sure about the italics...I wanted to convey a lot of exasperation, especially for the teacher. But you bring up a good point.
Don't worry, Winnie is certainly not staying at school! I'm working on it..
As for the POV: I don't know for sure yet. I like having this godly, 'see-all' thing going on, but I definitely understand how confusing it can be. Maybe I should give an indication when I switch the POV? That, or I change it entirely to Winnie's voice. Oh well. it's just for the rough draft.
On adverbs: man, I try to avoid them like the plague. But you're right: sometimes there's nothing I think I could write that's better.
Again, thank you for the review. It was uncommonly helpful!
Oh, the name(Sorry if you don't really care about feedback, but i'm a stickler):
Winnie- i drew the character before i wrote about her(drawing's on my profile), and she looked like a Winnie. I also liked the play on Winnie the Pooh.
Cares: I dunno. I thought 'Cares' would be an interesting and slightly ironic name for her and I looked it up, and it turns out it's a real surname. Scottish, or Gaelic, or something.
A very interesting story. I absolutely love Winnie and I adore your writing style. If you want to write a second chapter, please do. I'd love to know more about Winnie's story.
It's on it's way! Thanks for commenting
Hi here is a quick review for this story.
First of all I would like to say that I really liked this story, thought the opening line didn't catch that much attention, but the tittle backed it up.
Another thing was that the part where you wrote
"The class (or the fraction of the class that wasn’t asleep, or so far into space they’d nearly reached the moon by then), laughed. " The parenthesis part was too long and said more than it should. maybe instead of writing that you could have said "The class (or the part that wasn't asleep) laughed." That would have been more convenient and wouldn't have taken the funny side.
Overall I though it was a really good start for the novel and I really enjoyed.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
~
P.W
thank you!
You're totally right, that line trips me up too. I'll be sad to see it go, though...
Hey, I'm here for a quick review!
). Careful using them - do a bit more showing rather than telling.
First of all, your piece reminds me of my online friend's because of the short paragraphs. It's interesting. It makes for a faster read, and I like it. What I don't like is the opening line. This is a novel it seems, so the first line should hook us into the story. I think you should find another line that sets the tone of the story and hints us for what's to come.
Another thing is the use of adverbs. They're great things if used properly, but if used too much, they would be unbearable. Adverbs are, in a way, kind of telling, see. If you switch 'It was obvious that she was a badass before she spoke, actually' to 'In fact, it was obvious that she was a badass before she spoke', the meaning stays, but the prose is tighter. The most obvious adverb you use is 'obviously' (pun not intended
I think you missed the 'of' after cover there, because it didn't make sense when I first read. xD Careful with this kind of thing, too - simply errors can cause confusion to your reader.
Lastly, is her name really Winnie Cares? o.o I hope it's another joke from her, but it'd be funny if it is. Also, the last part - is that the indication of her having a photogenic memory? If it is, then you manage to convey it in an non cliche way, as some novels tend to use this fact when it's convenient. I'm sure it'd lead us to interesting stuffs if it's true. So far, I'm liking Winnie's character with her unintended humour and interesting perspective of life.
Another thing I notice is you tend to switch perspective. First, the teacher, then Winne, and then the students, and we go to square one again. For a third point of view, I suggest you to stick to one perspective to make it less confusing for the readers. Switching perspectives work when you have longer paragraphs, and it's not an easy feat to pull off. Right now, it's safer to use perspective from important characters that help push the plot forward.
That's all! Keep up the good job!
Haha. Photogenic would mean she looks good in photographs. Maybe you mean photographic memory? No, she doesn't have that. Memorizing some of the words just happens if you read a book a lot xD.
The rest of it I totally get. Thanks for taking the time to read and review this, I really appreciate it!
Yeah, that! Haha. xD Confused with the words sometimes. You're welcome.
Title - Your title was the first thing I caught while looking at the new posts. Your ability to name stories (or chapters) is astonishing and I can tell just by the title that you are a funny person.
Teacher - I love the teacher. He was probably so confused at how the world is so different now than it was before. He also has a keen eye for the cool kids
Winnie - Awesome. She seems to be an awesome character and I believe she should be given an award just for existing. I can't wait to see where you bring the story to.
Overall, your story is pretty great and I hope to see more work of yours in the future.
Thank you so much! This made my day
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