How well did I portray the image?
Jared was running through the wasteland as fast as his body would permit. He was exhausted. His condition was growing rapidly, and it caused him to be flaccid as he attempted to escape from the Russian’s gunfire. It could prove to be fatal on the battlefield.
They were in the middle, stuck between two opposing armies in a combat zone. On one side were the invading Russians, and on the other was the United States of America, or more commonly known as the Divided States of America. The Divided States had an assortment of soldiers, invaders, marauders, and refugees. The territory was covered in ruins, corpses, and military camps. No longer was it the peaceful nation it once was.
The battle in which Jared was trapped seemed to be the center of the war. The once green and tree covered landscape had been reduced to a dreary and grim battlefield. Smoke rose from many areas, gunfire trailed across empty lanes, artillery bombarded the earth, and all manner of war machines flew through the air and traveled across the ground to meet their enemy.
Jared’s family was several meters ahead of him, running through an empty trench. They ducked as artillery shells landed around them, blowing plumes of dirt and debris into the air. They had acquired some protection from the trench, and moved forward at a steady pace. Jared turned to leap into the man-made channel which was some five-feet deep and lined along the front edge with barbed wire. Just as he prepared to jump a loud explosion sounded behind him, and in the same instance, he was pushed forward by a great force and was thrown head-first into the trench.
Before Jared realized what had happened, he was buried in rubble. The sounds of the battle were gone. No longer did he hear gunfire or the blasts against the earth. He only felt the violent rumbling in the ground. It was a confirmation that he was still in this predicament. The only sound that seemed to penetrate his ears was a high-pitched ringing.
How well did I portray the image?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks a lot guys. That's some good advice.
*The browser closed me out of my reviewing session, so yeah, I'm mad at my computer right now. By the way, I was doing your review while it happened*
Hello there, I'll be your overseer today.
It's best to stick with only one tense. I'm starting to think that's the most common thing we writers do. We're always mixing up our tenses. It's perfectly okay in several instances, but it is still wisest to go with one.
I wish you told us who "they" were. All I got from the first paragraph was that a guy named Jared was fleeing from the heart of a war zone. And Russians are the big bad guys in World War II again? Don't sweat it, no one else seems to be a be to come up with a better scenario for the war to end all wars. It worked out well for Infinityward with their Modern Warfare video game franchise. I've actually written almost three books about WWIII. They're all the same series. But I didn't make the poor Russians as the people who started the war. They have a role yes, but they aren't the all so powerful bad guys.
OK, as for most of your story, it seems to be a pretty intense action scene. Lucky for you, I love action. I didn't see much problem with the scene grammar wise, but you could do a better job of painting an image of the full scale of the carnage.
Are there mangled, twisted, and smoking vehicles? Planes sputtering coils of smoke as they careen to the ground? Other soldiers running by or shooting past Jared as he runs? I assume there are as you vaguely describe it.
In its current state, your descriptions are by no means bad. I just think they could use a bit more spice. This is WWIII, so go wild with your opening. Do not be afraid to make it the most tragic war to have ever taken place on the face of the Earth.
Overall:
You have a good premise here, but I would like to see more of what Jared's motives are. Right now he's mostly just running around.
-Aspiring.
Even though storyweaver13 pretty much summed up everything you could fix with it, you could add just add a little bit more detail of what is going on, even though with short stories like this you don't need much.
I would like to know more about how the war happened and how the U.S.A divided. If you have the time to do so, it would be greatly appreciated.
Other than that, the story was really good and the grammar was excellent. I hope to see more works as good as this from you.
Was growing? I think something along the lines of "rapidly deteriorating" would suit it better. Other than that, I didn't really catch anything. I think you did a nice job of portraying the image, I would like to know a little bit more about Jared though. You said his condition was serious...what's wrong? You also mentioned his family running also, but you don't mention that until the end. Up until then, I thought he was on his own. And wouldn't his family be beside him? Or at least calling out for him? Or is there a reason they run? Are they so changed from the war that they only worry about their own lives now? You did a good job explaining how the war changed the world around them, but I want to know...how did it effect their hearts, minds and morals?