Published March 23, 2011
Sometimes all I can think about are those last few days with you.
Sitting down the hallway just staring at my shoes.
Trying my hardest to pretend I can't hear everyone crying.
Pretending we aren't all just watching you dying.
Then out of nowhere you appear right in front of me.
Bringing with you our special memory.
I'm brought back to a field of green.
Back to when it all started, or so it seemed.
I was pumped and ready, it was showtime
It was then I heard those words for the first time,
After the game, you greeted me with the biggest grin
And since then, 'Your Superstar' is who I've been.
We flash forward to today
God I wish you could've stayed
Things seem to hard without you here.
But sometimes I swear I can still feel you near.
It's now that I realize you never left my side.
And that from now on you'll always be my angel guide.
I should've known, even back then, that you'd never leave me alone.
And that you'll always be there to help me through the unknown.
Don't worry Papa we will get through this together.
Just you and me, Your Superstar forever. <3
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
This was such a sweet poem. Sad, but sweet. So, I guess you could say it was bittersweet. It was bittersweet.
I liked your rhyme scheme. It's a simple one, so simple, that hardly anyone goes back to it often. Or not that I know of at least.
The last two lines don't quite meld like the lines before did, but it can easily be fixed with an addition or deletion. I believe the last line might be missing a syllable or two, but I'm not quite sure. I'm no pro when it comes to poetry.
Is this from experience or just a nice, warm-fuzzy type of poem?
Yours,
Lavvi
Touching.
Is it based on fact?
It feels like its coming from the heart, and i love that.
There are one or two things i would change
First,
The sentence just doesn't flow. I cant feel any rhythm. Try phrasing it differently.
Secondly, just a few sentences are a wee bit too long, killing the rhythm.
But this poem is so touching, that you overlook all these small things.
if you can create a good rhyme scheme, it would help.
Good luck,
BoZi