Chapter One: A Cycle Begins

by SectorSeventyTwo

Published May 4, 2015

18+ Language Violence

In City Of Sectors

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

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Chapter I: A Cycle Begins

November 27th 2048, Tuesday

9:00 pm

Sector 214, BlackWater Orphanage

Blake Hunter's priorities were short and small in number, all under the one great umbrella of The BlackWater Orphanage. Ever since it's owner, Julie, had all but abandoned her duties it as owner and caretaker of the place, it'd had been up to Blake to shoulder the responsibility of fourteen young orphans. No one expected Julie's husband, Rob, to be killed in a drive-by but the death-by-gang wasn't uncommon in the outer sectors. Julie was all but destroyed and for two years had made a pitiful attempt at self medication. Booze, pills, and cheap, grubby clubs the only comfort she'd found in Rob's passing. Blake being the oldest in the orphanage at the time had taken the responsibility of guardian, spending his sixteenth and seventeenth birthdays buying half melted vanilla ice cream for everyone but himself.

He'd thought that this night would be the same as any other, until he walked through the orphanage to be greeted with dead silence. Not only that but it was unusually dark, a small lamp without a shade the lone source of light for the sorry excuse of a lobby. He carefully set down the groceries on the cluttered front desk, a desk their young self-appointed secretary, Sunny, would normally be sitting. He took out wireless ear buds, sliding them into his pocket. He could hear the drone of their clunky cable TV from the staff room, a room which he permitted no one to be in. There was only so much you could take from nagging small children and whiny teens before you needed a mug full of coffee and five minutes of silence. He silently padded the peeling blue carpet, which had from both time and one too many spills, had turned a nasty shade of green. The flashing white of the TV painted Blake like a pale specter, who stood outside of the doorway. If someone were to look at Blake one word would come to their mind, tired. His shoulders, though broad, slouched slightly with a seemingly invisible weight. Dark circles had taken residence underneath stormy grey eye's thanks to frequent late night shifts in Marv's Mealhouse. Though perhaps Blake's most defining trait was his snow white mane kept in a rough pony tail that didn't stop till just above his lower back. His whole being spoke of a dull ache of loneliness, like something was always missing; never to be found. He blinked, watching the TV with a piqued interest, similar to the other fourteen kids who huddled around the black box in the cramped room.

A late night news caster, he'd come to know as Sarah, sat behind her regular desk, the same imitation of Absolon spread behind her like every showing of Absolon Nightly News.

We come to you, denizens of Absolon with earth shattering news!” She exclaimed, Blake sighed softly. Sarah was like this almost every night, claiming every little mishap to be “breaking news”. Anything from a kitchen fire to Jack Blackwood sneezing was big news in her book.

At exactly nine fourty five last night yet another serial bombing took place in the outer sectors, though what was discovered in the aftermath shocked everyone! Ladies and gentlemen, John Mckonnel, Director of ECI was found dead among the rubble of the explosion” she reported ominously, her words chilling the blood inside Blake Hunter. It was as if time stood still, Blake stared blankly at the screen. The kids were silent, most of them didn't know what it meant, but they knew it was serious by the looks of the older children around them. This had to be one of the first real pieces of breaking news Sarah had ever reported.

The following clip we're about to show you is one of our correspondents, Don, questioning Nick Reece, lead investigator in the serial bombings, at the site of the latest attack” Sarah said, the screen cutting to a clip as promised.

Nick Reece stood in front of the camera, looking disgruntled in more ways than one. It was raining then, as it often did in Absolon, droplets dripping rapidly from the orange tips of the bleach blonde's hair. Nick had not only earned reputation for being a fantastic ESF officer, but his natural orange and blonde hair had been the talk of many fashion and talk shows. Though Blake could relate. His hair having turned naturally white since events seven years ago. Don's voice could be heard on screen, though muffled due to the excessive rain and noise around the crime scene.

As I understand Mr.Reece, you and your team have been on this bomber's trail for two months now, will this incident hopefully be a step in the right direction for the case?” Don asked. Nick's young face was weathered by the heavy responsibility of enforcing the law in Absolon. His fiery eye's spoke volumes of his experiences, full of life, regret, and just a twinge of pain.

The evidence among other things are still being processed but it's safe to say that we're zeroing in on the bombers identity more and more everyday.” Nick answered gruffly, his voice serious and authoritative. Blake could barely hear Don's next question over the heavy rain slapping against Nick's ESF black and white rain jacket, the white letter's ESF reflecting in the harsh backlight of the camera lens.

Any comments on John's death? Who in ECI will be there to take his place?” Don questioned hurriedly, sensing Nick's annoyance and desire to leave.

It's tragic but death has never been uncommon in Absolon, as far as a replacement, that matter will be taken under heavy consideration by Jennifer Gell, APD commissioner, who will be selecting the new director of ECI. Now if you'll excuse me I have a case to attend to” Nick almost shot away from the camera, power walking towards a waiting ESF patrol car. Don faced the camera, his forgettable features twisted into forced seriousness.

Well folks with this incident I think a question must be asked; will this be a new beginning for a city desperately needing change or is this only the start of a series of unfortunate events? Only time will tell, this is Absolon Nightly News correspondent Don Carragan, signing off.” Don said dramatically, the screen cutting back to Sarah.

Blake stepped into the room, taking the small remote from Sunny and with a press the TV went black. The young secretary suddenly shot up, flicking on the lights and hustling the children out of the room. Sunny was a pretty, naïve girl. Light sun kissed hair ended just below her shoulders, trusting auburn eye's paired with a bright smile that gave her the name, Sunny. Being fifteen and the second oldest member of Blackwater, she helped Blake whenever she wasn't away in school or buried in homework.

“Drake” Blake called, a dark-haired boy stopped.

“Do your homework, alright?” Blake reminded, Drake nodded with a red face, quickly following the other kids out of the room.

Blake closed the door, a heavy sigh escaping his lips as he collapsed onto the ripped and torn couch, a hand covering his eye's. Sunny quietly took a seat next to him, apprehensively adjusting her blue rimmed glasses. They both knew things were going to change, but to say it was a whole different matter. Sunny took off her glasses and slowly put them on the table. Blake raised an eyebrow, then the other, when she started tickling his sides. He laughed and laughed, it was a light sound, authentic and begging a smile from Sunny. His arms swatted at her weakly, unable to withstand the tickling travesty Sunny was wrecking on his sides. Sunny only stopped when Blake's face was redder than the dried blood she couldn't see on his wrist. Even then, it took them more than a few minutes to stop their laughter.

Sometimes Blake just needed to let loose and be a kid and Sunny was always there for him when he needed that. In the outer sectors it was almost impossible to find a friend you could fully trust and care for, Sunny was one of the few he could call a true companion. She'd once confessed feelings for him, but he'd rejected her, not wanting to ruin what they had. They'd come closer together since, Blake counting her as one of the few people he could always turn to for support.

Blake stood up and cleared his throat, Sunny remained on the tattered couch, barely fighting off the last of her giggles.

“I'm gonna go out, clear my head. Make sure everyone gets to bed on time, including you” Blake said, pausing before he stepped through the threshold.

“Thanks, Sun. And yes, I have my phone” he said, waving his ancient Nokia for her to see. She closed her mouth, chuckling in a way that reached her chestnut eyes.

“Don't be too late” she reminded quietly, Blake smiled and gave her a wave of farewell.

Two small children crouched in the hallway, barely restraining their giggles.

“Those two are so silly!”

“Blake's the silliest!”

They fell on the floor laughing aloud, Sunny attempting to hush them and put them to bed.

9:30 pm

Sector 214, Devils Bridge

In all the places Blake frequented in the sector, Devil's Bridge was second to Blackwater Orphanage. A collapsed mixture of cement and pavement, the empty steel canal below was often haunted by local skaters and druggies, though the canal was empty whenever Blake came around. He leaned against a cracked rail, the soft glow of the orange-tinged light covering Blake in a blanket of warmth. He lit a cigarette, taking a drag before watching the smoke rise away. He didn't like smoking that much but it always calmed his nerves for awhile, though he never did it in front of Sunny or the other kids. He'd always thought it was strange how it never lingered in his breath or on his clothes, which could certainly use a few trips through the dry cleaners.

“Smoke break again I see” a little voice said. He looked to see a little girl curled up in the seat of his old motorcycle.

“Now really isn't the time, Kami” Blake warned, extinguishing the cigarette with his converse covered toe.

“Aw, did I interrupt Blakey's quiet time” she teased. Blake sighed, turning to face the miniature pest. Kami was strange on many accounts. Her eye's, (one blue, one green), weren't quite the same size. Plus she almost never blinked which made it hard to look in her eyes. Her hair stretched down to the kickstand of his motorcycle, it was so dark that he wouldn't have seen it if she wasn't sitting where she was. Her skin was the palest he'd ever seen, so white it almost sort-of glowed on it's own accord, like no other light could even touch it.

“Was there something you wanted?” Blake asked, eyeing Kami's unnaturally-wide toothy smile.

“Do Iever want anything, white wolf?” she taunted, Blake shrugged in resignation.

“Kinda makes me wonder why you even show up, Candlestick” Blake said, he smiled at Kami's sudden indignation. She stood on his motor bike, leaping soundlessly onto the rusty rail.

“It's rude to insult someones clothing choices” she huffed. She stretched her arms out in an attempt to balance herself. Her “clothing” was a white satin curtain, a tightly tied knot at the center of her small back keeping it tight to her small frame. Kami suddenly grinned down at him, sending chills up his spine. Kami sometimes reminded him of pure evil in little girl form.

His phone suddenly rang, the default ringtone pierced the surrounding darkness like a gunshot, making Blake start. He answered immediately, realizing with relief that Kami was gone.

“Hey, something wrong?” Blake asked, already getting on his bike.

“Well this woman came and left me a package; said it was for you, should I just hold onto it?” Sunny said, Blake sighed.

“I thought one of the kids was acting out, you should've just texted me”

“Sorry” Sunny apologized in a small voice. He ran a hand through his abnormal hair, sighing again at the silence on the other end.

“Don't worry about it Sun, just put it in the staff room” Blake said.

“You're coming back soon, right?”

“Yeah, be there in a little bit” Blake clicked off the phone, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes. A breeze blew, a convenience store bag tapped him lightly on the shoulder before sinking down below Devils bridge.

“Home sweet home” he whispered, turning the key and revving the throttle. He sped off, his white hair billowing behind him like a ghost in pursuit.

9:40

Sector 105, Dingles Bar

-Baby just sit back and forget about the world-”

“So that's your brother, TJ, right?” Jenny asked him, bringing Jake out of his stupor.

-And you can always walk away cause I can see it in your vacant smile-”

“Huh? Uh yeah, that's him” Jake said. His mind was having trouble keeping up; it was hard, having to look at and talk with a beautiful girl at the same time.

-Taking back what's lost just to find it all buried in American Dreams-”

She leaned closer. He turned away and looked at his brother strumming and singing away on the raised stage. The girl didn't seem to mind, she sat back and did the same. A bombshell body with blonde luscious hair was getting her a lot of looks. Jake could feel the other men's jealousy stabbing into his back like pitchforks.

-Buried underneath this weight, I'm starting to believe this is what you hate,and nothing's gonna work out the way it seems, but you'll always be my American dream, dream dream-”

“Look, Jenny, would this be the right time to tell you I'm no good with girls?” Jake asked, he could feel his own cheeks reddening. Thank god for the bar's half assed attempt at club lighting, which perfectly shadowed his blushing cheeks.

“I believe it, you're more awkward than four eyes over there trying to dance” Jenny said. Jake almost laughed at the nerd, his bony limbs snaking out in all directions with no sense of rhythm.

-We got caught up in American dreams, in American, taking back whats lost just to find it all buried in American dreams” and with that last line his brothers performance ended, resulting in drunken cheers of “Encore!” and “Fuck yeah!” His brother had the stage presence of a signed artist with the talent to match. He was just a scrawny little kid, sandy hair and tanned skin. He almost looked like one of those done up teen models, but when he smiled his toothy smile you knew he was real. He gave the crowd a short wave before heading backstage. Jake looked almost nothing like his younger brother, a bulkier but balanced frame often got him looks from the opposite sex; and kept most of the same sex away. His green eye's were normally sharp and intense but In front of Jenny and her tight dress the intenseness faded away, leaving him with nothing but unsure glances and multitudes of staring's off into space. He jumped suddenly, he could feel Jenny's fingers sifting through his tangled hair. She was smiling tenderly, like she would to a small child. Jake's eye's flicked down, he immediately turned away, he could feel his already warm face getting hotter.

“I feel like your dress choice wasn't a coincidence” he said. The bar's intermission music pounded his ears, making him realize how tired he was. His eye's traveled to a clock across the bar, it wasn't too late. Usually TJ could keep crowds more than entertained until the early hours of the morning. He felt her skin against his hand, she pointed in the direction of the stage. TJ waved him over, tossing a wink in his direction. Jake rolled his eye's. He looked back at Jenny who had a pouty look on her face.

“Aw, that must be your cue to leave there lady killer” Jenny said, he laughed politely at her joke.

“Yeah. Thanks for the drink, Jenn, remember, first real day of work tomorrow” Jake said. He threw down a ten dollar bill, she raised her drink to him, a coy smile on her face. He shook his head, heading towards the back where his brother was. Squeezing past multiple drunks and greasy men hitting on cheap girls to get there, he finally found his brother in one of the grubby back rooms; putting his guitar in his case.

“Ready to go, kiddo?” he asked. TJ hefted his guitar case, it was covered in countless stickers of his favorite bands and singers. Jake silently took it from him, the two beginning to walk through the back entrance of the bar. The back was trashy to say the least. The place was littered with garbage and filth, not to mention the prone forms of homeless curling around a fire barrel.

“Did I rock it or what? Everyone was all like 'Woo!' and 'Hell yeah!', that means I rocked it; right?” TJ asked, Jake chuckled at his childish eagerness. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair, wiping it on TJ's shoulder. TJ recoiled with disgust, taking a swipe at Jake's muscled arm.

“So, who was that chick you were talking to? She seemed real nice” TJ said, Jake pushed him playfully.

“She's just a girl from work, don't worry about it”

“Really? I dunno bro, she seemed pretty into you, like the I-wanna-take-you-home-tonight kind of-

“Jakeeeeee!” Jenny came shooting out of the back entrance, waving his black jacket in her hands. Jake stopped, waiting for Jenny to catch up. A group of shady guys,-most likely gang members- eyed Jenny like a new piece of meat as she ran past. He hated guys like that. She stopped in front of Jake, keeling over to catch her breath.

“You-forgot-your-jacket” she breathed out. Jake took the jacket, slinging it over his shoulder.

“Thanks, Jenn” he said, she smiled her air stealing smile.

“Sure thing, handsome, I'll see you at work tomorrow?” she asked, he couldn't look in her in her flirtatious eyes.

“Bright and early” he replied. She turned with a smile, taking her sweet time to return back into the bar.

“Yeah, just a girl from work, right, dude she's totally into you!” TJ said, Jake's lighthearted slap only made TJ's smile bigger.

“Just get in the car, brat” Jake said, slamming the rusty truck of their beat up SUV. Jake hopped in the passenger seat, immediately turning the radio up as Jake turned the key. TJ immediately banged his head to old metal, Jake could only sigh at his brother's endless energy. He didn't notice the crackhead watching he and his brother from the shadows.

9:40 pm

Sector 45, The Talif Christian Church of Prayer

The Talif church was an abandoned church in the 45th sector, one Taylor Heights and Jay Fuze had been keeping surveillance on for the past three hours. They sat in their standard issue ESF patrol car, the sleek farron mercury parked in the shadows like a waiting panther. The two ESF officers sat comfortably in the front seats, one chomping down on donuts while the other watched the church through a miniature black spyglass.

“Nothing abnormal with their thermals, they seem kinda bored” Jay reported, glancing over at his partner. Jay's face was hospitable enough, but his lightish green eye's reflected something bottled up. His faint brown hair was shaved on the sides, snaking down his neck and pointing proudly above his forehead.

Taylor popped the last munchkin into his mouth, holding his finger up, chewing the donut rapidly.

“The audio?” Jay asked, eyeing the headphones which were only halfway secured around Taylor's head.

“They've been talkin' about nothin' but their bloody guns and shaggin' hookers for three goddamn hours mate, are we even sure these guys have anything?” Taylor asked, throwing the donut box in the backseat with a look of disappointment. It'd never failed to surprise Jay how strong Taylor's English accent was, even after being away from England for more than twenty years. Taylor was once called “a fractured kind of handsome”, a nose broken more than twenty times pointed at an odd angle and a deep scar at the curve of his mouth gave many the wrong idea. Though it was his ghostly, pale, blue eye's and high cheekbones that were his saving grace; plus a smile more infectious than any laugh that melted many's hearts.

Jay shrugged, “If nothing happens in thirty I say we bounce”

“Jack won't ride us if we get shit for intel, right?” Taylor asked.

“Not tonight, he's over at Scarlet's” Jay said. Taylor nodded knowingly, he stopped and squinted his eye's, pulling the headphones over both ears and listening intently. Jay immediately brought up the spyglass, the armed men colored in red and yellow now milling about the empty church.

“What's going on in there Taylor?” Jay asked, unlocking the car's doors.

“Well, they got a load of candy comin' in less than five, leave it to these wankers to think of a code word that stupid” Taylor said, grabbing Jay's arm before he could leave the car.

“Are we doing this your way, or Claire's way, 'cause I kinda liked Claire's idea” Taylor asked, Jay snorted.

“The last time we tried an idea from your wife you ended up in the hospital, so we're doing this my way” Jay said. He pressed a button below the glove box, the two swinging out their car to the trunk. Inside lay a multitude of weapons and gadgets, the two officers going to work on arming themselves. The two were outfitted in black armored suits, white mask with black minus symbols covering their mouth's and nose's while night vision goggles covered their eye's.

Jay opened his door, typing a series of coordinates in the blue console, closing the door just before the mercury went silently sliding away, it's destination known only to Jay. He checked his rifle, Taylor took point, the two moving into an empty lot next to Talif's church.

“Comm check, Tye, you there?” Taylor whispered. The partners waited until they heard the radio system crackle to life.

“Triple-threat you're clear, I can't see your's Iron Giant” the voice affirmed, Taylor flicked the small camera at his chest, whispering a subdued curse.

“Clear, I see what you see” Tye said. The officers were as quiet as death, moving toward the back entrance with practiced efficiency. They stopped at the buildings transformer, Taylor watching their surroundings as Jay put his bare hand on the metal, electricity dancing from his finger tips. They heard surprised shouts from the church and took positions on either side of the back door.

“Lights are out, permission to engage” Jay requested, his silenced rifle not wavering.

“Permission granted, Triple-threat” Tye said. Two armed goons opened the back entrance, the pair looking around warily for any threats. They didn't see Jay crouched in a trashcan or Taylor peaking out behind a rusting barrel. They decided the area was secure, beginning to investigate the transformer when they dropped, Jay's rifle swinging back to the entrance, which Taylor slipped into, his night vision goggles covering his eye's.

“Yo-, a suppressed shotgun blast stopped the thug for good, panic began to ensue when the church was cloaked in complete darkness, Taylor and Jay going to work on the clueless and fearful criminals. They were taken down one by one, never seeing their enemy before they died. One panicked rookie began to yell, spraying his weapon into the darkness. Cries of pain from his comrades could be heard, he only caught a glimpse of a white mask before the gun dropped from his hands. In less than sixty seconds the two ESF officers had rendered the church silent, a car could be heard parking outside. Three knocks on the wooden oak door were sounded, the thin gang member perplexed by the blackness.

“Hey, grab me a flashlight, I think the power went out again. Hey guys, you in there?” he called out, nothing answered him. He narrowed his eye's, a meaty lowlife slapping a flashlight in his pale hand. He clicked the button, the light was dull and narrow. He squinted, the light already beginning to fade,then his bloodshot eye's widened in horror, the light fading out just as it shone on a dead man's face, looking up at him in pure confusion. He let out a short yell and turned to the side, staining the sidewalk with takeout from thirty minutes previous.

“Oh-oh christ man, jesus dude they're all dead man! All of 'em, dead!” he cried, the meaty blockhead only grunted, hefting a much larger flashlight out of their delivery van. He took a step in, nodding dumbly at all the dead bodies.

“Yup, they're dead” he said, his wiry friend looking at him with a mixture of disbelief and disdain.

“W-what and you don't even care?! Do you even have a soul, what the hell's wrong with you?!” he screeched. The heavy lifter shrugged, setting the flash light down and waving the bugged out druggie over. He cursed furiously under his breath, keeping his eye's level with the brute he stepped in; he closed his eye's in disgust when he heard a squelch from under his shoe.

“I was asked to deliver the fucking stuff, not to walk in on a goddamn corpse party!”

“You're the one that said you wanted to be on the crew” the big one said, only making the smaller one more agitated.

“Yeah, but no one told me-” the light shorted out with an almost invisible crack of blue, the door slammed shut. Then there was silence. The dimwitted flesh bag went straight for the door, an iron spike impaling him in the neck. He fell backwards with a wet slap, clawing and gasping at his neck.

“No-NO! Oh god no, please! Please don't kill me, no-ah!” rough hands slammed him to the ground, he felt iron manacles materialize around his wrist and ankles.

“No! S-stop what are you-” he felt tape being put over his mouth, muffling his pleas for mercy.

“Lights on Jay, pretty please” Taylor said. Another crack of blue and the lights turned on, the new gang member shaking furiously against the tight restraints when he saw the death and destruction in the room. Jay and Taylor pulled off their mask, looking down at the terrified college drop-out.

“You're gonna listen good, yeah? You're gonna tell us everything you know about the John Mckonner incident , weather you want to or not, so just make it easier on your sorry arse and tell us what we need to know” Taylor commanded, the young man staring up at him with contempt and fear.

“How'd they get past John's security detail?” Jay demanded. Taylor peeled the tape off a fraction, their hostage taking deep breaths. He breathed heavily, his eye's nervous and edgy now. Sweat ran down his face and made his hair dirty hair even more disgusting.

“You fucking endowed freaks! Burn in-” the tape came back down, along with a hard punch from Taylor. He lay their stunned for a moment, woozily looking back up at them.

“I dunno man, I just- I dunno” he said, now in a drowsy-like state. His face was covered in even more sweat and his eye's half closed. Taylor slapped him hard, though to no affect. He slapped him several more times but nothing could get the disheveled twenty year old out of his stupor. Taylor swore when the drug addicts eye's closed. He checked his pulse, making Taylor curse again and punch the floorboards, making a gaping whole in the ancient wood.

“Fuck!” Taylor exclaimed, throwing himself into a banged up pew which the gang bangers had pushed to the side.

“Looks like someone had a little too much Coalta” Jay observed, taking a seat next to Taylor.

“Ain't that the new drug the kids are using now?” Taylor asked. Jay nodded, carefully setting his rifle against the pew. Taylor let out a long sigh, scratching at the five o'clock shadow he'd let grow over the recent weeks.

“Jesus man somethings gotta give, ya know? We've been getting' nothin' but scraps and left overs and it's pissin' me right off ” Taylor said. Jay looked over at the stained glass window, covered in boards from the outside. It showed Mother Teresa, her hands held out in a giving gesture.

“We just gotta keep fighting the good fight man, that's all there is to it” Jay said, lighting a cigarette with an electric spark from his finger.

“APD is on their way, you guys are free to leave” Tye informed. Taylor grunted into the radio, his head leaning back in exhaustion. He swung his head back up.

“Either way, I'm bloody sick of dead ends, if we don't find something soon, I'm askin' for a raise” Taylor said, Jay laughed.

“You're just pissed 'cause it's been a week since you've been home early enough to sleep with Claire” Jay said, Taylor threw his hands up.

“And where's the problem in that!? I have a right to sleep with my wife I'll have you know!” Taylor said indignantly, only making Jay laugh more.

“Whatever man, we'll find something eventually, we always do” Jay said, flicking away the spent cigarette as siren's wailed in the distance.

9:50 pm

Sector 214, Blackwater Orphanage

Blake stood numbly in front of the his orphanage, which was now reduced to nothing more than a flaming pile of rubble. Ambulances and APD personnel and vehicles surrounded him but he didn't notice them, neither they him. His mind was blank, but was slowly filling with inhuman feelings of pain and rage. Hadn't they taken enough? His teeth clenched. Wasn't his family enough? His stormy eye's closed tight. How much more would they take until they were satisfied?! His fist curled. Blake wanted to kill them, until they couldn't take anything from anyone ever again. Orange light began to gather around him, the first responders noticed and began to back away slowly. Blake let out a roar of anguish, so sorrowful even the moon was moved.

10:00 pm

Sector 1, The Gold Legion Den

Jack Blackwood lay next to the love of his life, and the young woman who was considered the most powerful female endowed in the city; in that case the two made quite the pair. He loved spending nights with her, not just for the sex and passion, but just the closeness and comfort it brought to his heart. He shifted, bringing his girlfriend even closer to his robust chest. The moon shone through the screen door, revealing Jack's tattoo's mixed with Scarlet's bare shoulder. His left arm read, “Saving Grace of Death”. His back also held a strange tattoo, a mysterious symbol resembling a star made of nine black minus's reflected the moon's healing light.

“Scarlet, wake up” Jack muttered into the girl's ear. She sighed, turning over and taking further refuge in Jack's arms. Her wild red hair was splayed all over the golden sheets, Jack's long, pale fingers slowly combed through the strands, as if following a soundless rhythm. Her head slid up to his chin, her eye's barely making contact with his.

“We have work tomorrow, go to bed, would you?” she said, though she hardly sounded upset about being awoken.

“I know, I just wanted to talk” Jack said, his glowing red eye's looking down at her with a needy expression. That was one of Scarlet's favorite part's of him. They could be filled with so much love and affection despite their appearance; plus they glowed in the dark, which was pretty damn cool regardless. She shifted again, one hand finding his and the other beginning to sift through the jet black mess atop Jack's head.

“You've always been one for pillow talk babe, shoot” she said, waiting for Jack to respond. He looked down at her silently, taking her in. The freckles, the cheerful, solid green eye's, he still remembered what he felt the moment he saw them. He'd never understood human attraction until he saw Scarlet Sixshooter walk in the director's office four years ago.

“If there is a heaven and hell, where do you think I would go?” Jack asked. Scarlet lay in stillness, absently stroking his hair.

“Assuming there is one, I'm thinking heaven, how about me?” Scarlet asked.

“I'll go wherever you go” Jack said, Scarlet smiled.

“You did promise me that, didn't you?” Scarlet said.She gave him a deep kiss before turning around, Jack pulling her close.

“I love you, Scarlet”

“I love you too, Jackie”

10:15 pm

Sector 72, Unknown Rooftop

“Eric, what do you see from here?”

“I see the moon, shining brightly on just another night in Absolon”

“Oh but this isn't just any night Eric, this is the night where something begins and multiple things end”

“Doesn't that happen every night, Daniel?”

“Yes! But this time it matters to us! To everyone!”

Two men sat in lawn chairs on top of a roof, facing the bright full moon. One held a pistol and a cigarette, the other a book titled “Living For Dummies”.

“Yes, a night for change indeed” Daniel whispered, leafing through a page of his book. Eric wordlessly took a drag of his cigarette.

“Are you prepared for this, Eric?” Daniel asked suddenly, his gaze piercing and unflinching.

“Ready as I'll ever be” Eric grunted, spinning the pistol in circles.

Daniel blew a kiss to the sky, then to the moon.

“Ah, to a new world” Daniel said dreamily, a watery smile painting his tragic face.

Comments & reviews · 3

User avatar
Chaser
Review
Chaser wrote a review Review · May 31, 2015

Happy Review Day!

Let's start with positives: imagery is excellent, characters are well-revealed through dialogue.

Broaching your main issue: dialogue commas. The first issue is pretty straightforward: direct dialogue replaces periods with commas. Things like "'Thanks, Sun. And yes, I have my phone,' he said," would fit into that category.
The second issue is a bit less common, but understandable. Right after a character finishes speaking, you add another character's actions with a comma. "''cause I like Claire's idea,' Taylor said, John snorted." This is a tricky issue to fix, because it's a pain to explain. But when you're saying whose dialogue it is in the same sentence, you shouldn't add another subject to the sentence without a (preposition? Or was it a conjunction?) proper link. You can add predicates with commas; not subjects.

Other issues include:
Kami's disappearance. How would Blake notice it immediately if there was no trace of her?
You don't need to say that she was "strange on many accounts." You do a good enough job of showing that in other sentences.
Eyes. Not eye's.

The imagery here is fine, and you've got a good first chapter. Cheers.


-Chaser

User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review
BrumalHunter wrote a review Review · May 31, 2015

Salutations.

First off, whoa. This is a long chapter. Now, I like long chapters, since I write them myself, but in my experience, people are intimidated by long chapters here on YWS. If you want them to review it, perhaps you should make it a little shorter. Not only would that benefit the reviewer, since they have to spend less time reading (believe me, time actually is a factor here), but it also benefits you, since you get twice the amount of reviews if you split the chapter in two than if you had published it all at once. Furthermore, it also allows the reviewers to give you more detailed information on certain parts, whereas they would otherwise have skipped some parts. It costs more points publishing in parts, but I assure you, it's worth it.

I see you like varying the length of your paragraphs, and that is good. If it is too short all the time, it will appear as if you don't have all that much to say, but if you write too long paragraphs, your readers will become intimidated or overwhelmed. You also show variation in your sentence length. People sometimes underestimate the benefits of this, just as with paragraph length, so well done on having realised that already.

Your dialogue formatting is strange, though. Why did you place it in italics at first? Eventually, you removed the italics, but that leaves me - as well as others who read this, I'm sure - slightly confused. The quotation marks and context indicate they aren't thoughts, so then... why use italics? The desire to be ominous or mysterious is not a good enough reason.

I find the format that you use to be intriguing, since it reminds me of a diary or journal, what with the time and location being added in bold each time. You're welcome to experiment, but remember, techniques like that have certain connotations. Fortunately, the militaristic feel works in the context of this story.

At places, there is less imagery than I would have liked, but at others, the imagery is well-thought out and pleasing to read. I suggest including original, fresh imagery whenever you can, but don't overdo it; I have read many books that employ excellent imagery and descriptions, but if you take a page or more to describe every new scene, the reading experience becomes rather tedious.

Your characterisation is believable, but I am distracted from the characters' dialogue by the constant errors in dialogue formatting. This has nothing to do with the italics I mentioned earlier, but with things like punctuation. It seems you sometimes forget to add commas at the end of somebody's direct speech, and while it doesn't affect the reader that greatly, it interrupts the whole flow of reading. Check your sentences for missing commas and please add them.

Overall, your work is interesting. The reading is a bit slow at first, but I'm sure it will pick up as the story progresses. I wish you the best of luck.

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kevin25a
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kevin25a wrote a review Review · May 4, 2015

Okay I will start by saying I haven't read the prologue or chapter one. This story is absolutely amazing and completely terrible at the same time, having such a combination is a skill very few seem to have. It's also a really good skill to have. It's absolutely amazing because of the emotion behind it and the characters, but completely terrible because of the orphanage being blown up. I'm definitely going to follow this story from now and go back and read the others, but I really hope that the girl he liked, Sunny, wasn't killed in the bombing. I will be really disappointed if that happens, because everybody needs somebody like that in their lives.

This story has a perfect mix of greatness and terrible plot twists that keep a reader guessing and interested. I really look forward to chapter 3, but more so to Sunny surviving somehow. To make a joke too, if she died the next day will not be very sunny.

I'm glad you like it! I'm currently writing up Chapter two, so the wait won't be long! Thanks for the review!

Your welcome, looking forward to it. Welcome to YWS by the way. Feel free to ask if you don't understand something about the site, I know it can be confusing at first for some.



If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
— Jo March