Published August 17, 2011
Sometimes black,
And sometimes white.
But always time
To make it right.
You twist my heart
Into a million pieces,
And catch my breath
Until it ceases
And yet somehow,
It always seems
That you fill my head
With hopeless dreams.
You push me away,
And then pull me back.
Would you quit giving me
A heart attack?
But even after
All of this,
You fix it up
With a little kiss.
Everyday I hate you,
But somehow you still
Managed to get me to love you
Against my ironwill.
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138,220 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
Sometimes black,And sometimes white.But alwaysin time This sounds more appropriateTo make it right.
You twist shatter flows in better my heartInto a million pieces,And catch my breathUntil it ceases
And yet somehow,It always seemsThat you fill my head mind With hopeless dreams.
You push me away,And then pull me back.Would you quit giving me A heart attack?Your poem had a amazing flow up until here, see if u can replace heart attack
But even afterAll of this,You fix it up With a little kiss.
Everyday I hate you,But somehow you still Managed to get me to love you there r too many 'to's reduce redundancyAgainst my ironwill.
I apprepriciated ur review so hwere's a review back . Hope u liked it:D
thank you all for the comments! i appreciate the help ^^
Hey Secrets,
You have a cute poem here. I don't mean it as a bad thing, but for some reason I think its a cute rhyme. I did like it though, and its very well written!
Here are my suggestions and corrections:
Try not to make the new like start with a conjunction.
Same thing goes here!
Seems a little forced here. Play with the words.
For some reason I feel like if you use Iron will you need to make a bigger emphasis about it in the rest of the poem.
Nicely done, and keep writing!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
I really liked this piece! It flowed almost like the lyrics to a song, and I liked the rhyme scheme. You had lines that were longer and shorter, but the rythem was never screwed up because of it.
Really liked that stanza!
Good job, espically for a first YWS entry!! I look foreward to the rest of your portfolio!
Razzle
I rather like this. The rhyme scheme is wonderful, most of these don't rhyme, so yours is now officially in my good books.
I really like the first stanza, the last two lines especially. [color=#000000]Sometimes blackAnd sometimes white.[/color] That's really very nice. You seem to either have been hurt bad;y, or someone very close to you has been. You need experience to write so beautifully, and even if you don't have it, kudos.