My Depression
Has possession
Of my life and
I can't get free.
I feel like I'm
Insane and I
Have lost the
Hope of being free.
All the
Sympathy
Of everybody's
"Empathy"
When all I
Feel is Apathy,
Because they
Don't understand me.
They say,
"You'll be ok."
But all I see is
A world in Grey.
As I put on my facade,
My "Happiness" is a
Joke I play day by day.
And after everything,
I will say "I'll be ok."
Because maybe,
just maybe one day;
Someone will help guide my way.
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It seems like a simple verse but I have found a lot of important and close things to me in it! This period comes often to many people and "A world in Grey" for them too! But you should remember that good times always come after depression period! We must believe that we are just waiting for better times ahead! And you would certainly meet the one who will guide your way!
Hey, I'm here for a quick review.
Oh my god, I definitely love your format! Short lines are absolutely the way to go! I like the pauses between them, and it just makes for an urgent flow. Anyway, let's talk about the actual poem. Technical stuffs first.
I feel like there are too many words capitalized. If capitalized, then the worlds should be important, but in here, there's too little of substance to said words to make them to so. The only capitalized word I'm okay with is 'Depression', simply because it's the main focus of the poem, and is one that the persona has (every depression is different for different people, so it makes sense if the persona goes to capitalize his depression because it makes it his). Other capitalized words just distract me. If they are to de-capitalized, I don't think it would take anything out of the poem.
This is from the first line. After the part about my depression possessing me, this part seems weak. There are many ways to say 'I can't get free' that's stronger in meaning, and tighter in wordings. 'I can't escape', for instance, is less wordy and more precise. 'I'm caged' is the positive statement for the original line, which has more powerful meaning to it. Try to make a better phrases and choose more precise words.
Simple as it might be, I like the imagery here. Yes, it's a bit overused, but here, it's put as a statement, as a fact, that there's no exaggeration for it, which makes it bearable to read. I want more imagery - you don't have to put too much of it, just that it'd make the understanding and imagining easier. If 'a world in grey' is how he sees in depression, try to juxtapose it with how 'happiness' is like. It would do for some effective message delivery.
Semi-colons are made to join two independent clauses that are related to each other and can stand by their own. The first part here is not an independent clause while the second is. I suggest you to blend them together and instead of using semi-colon, use a simple comma.
Anyway, that is all! Keep up the good job!
I love this. It's truthful and concise. As someone who has depression I can appreciate this.
cheers,
via
thank you
Very Nice! As I read that I felt your poem was very relatable and easy to understand. I really liked how you used punctuation and separated your lines. There isn't much I can suggest. You did a very nice job writing this.
I would just say in the first two stanza's a did not like tThe reuse of the word free, to me it didn't sound right. If you want to keep the the rhyme in there maybe try, "Nobody understand me." "I feel like I am lost at sea." Just a suggestion.
Anyways keep writing! And I hope you find it is a good way to cope with depression. My poetry is a lot like yours. Keep up the good work.
thank you