He was writing a poem right before he died:
Little match.
How you entertain me,
with your flaming personality.
What friends we could be,
if only I was in a differnt reality.
The light hurt too much,
too much pain to feel at once.
I let it burn anyway,
the pain thrills me.
More than life.
Oh little match.
My face felt cold. I reached out to touch it, and there lay tears, crystal like. I decided to keep them there. It felt weird to change anything here. I looked around his room one last time. I was not alowed to be near the stress, it was bad for me. His room was just a basic black, with band posters like Fall Out Boy, decorating his walls. Pictures of us hung on a section of wall between his dresser and closet door. I reached out and touched the one where we met, it had been a normal preschool day. We used to share headphones and listen to music on the roof of any building easily climable. There was a white dresser, a door to the closet, and his bed. His only furniture. It suited him, for he did not spend much time here. He had liked the outdoors, the stunts he pulled, too much to care about his room. His bed was made, his clothes neatly stacked on the edge. His ipod lay on the dresser, left on our favorite song. Oh I missed him so bad! On his pillow lay the very poem. I kissed it, leaving a deep violet lipstick stain. He would of had a laugh out of it, me kissing paper. I could not bare to look out his window, for there is where his little bonfire turned ugly. On purpose as well, knowing his preferance for danger. If only we had known he was going to commit suicide.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Okay first off, this is amazing. All of your work never ceases to amaze me. You're so amazing at writing and I hope you continue for lots of years to come. Most of your work has lots of suspense in it and it makes the reader beg and beg for me. I hope you feel the same way!(: Anyway, yes I really enjoyed this and hope your continue it for awhile. How cool would it be if you actually made it into a book and got it published? Lol kidding, but that would still be awesome. Okay well i'm tired of typing. LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER.
Love, McKena(:
Thanks <3
I like it, how do I find the rest? No wait I should probably ask if you posted the rest? ^o^
Right It's me again! That's a little late. It sounds like you talk about death a lot but I do the same thing. It sounds like, to analyze it deeply that your talking about life and time a lot are you worried about your time? Then again your thirteen but still it's way too early but I guess you never know. I've strayed from the topic so I'll end it with this, you're a great writer. :}
Dear Secrete,
Hey, this just so happens to be the best and most wonderful, actually I mean outstanding piece of literature that I have ever read. I love how it is so smoothly written with love in mind. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this piece of literature touched my heart and soul. It is exactly how I wish my love life and romance life could be.
Well, now it is time for the actual review. So this piece is actually outstanding well written. I enjoy the fact that it is partly a poem, but also an introduction to a story/book. To be honest I am not sure which I love more the story or the author. I say that because every piece of literature that I have read of yours has touched my heart deeply.
Sincerely Mac Desvignes (bigmacloves)
Hey Secrete,
But then again, I'm a big fan of concise description/concise storytelling.
I actually loved the short briskness of this piece, I found it refreshing
As a poet and as a reviewer of poetry I enjoyed that beginning poem that opens up the piece there XD I thought it was a great way to show the character as well as the thoughts and emotions behind the suicide - what a great idea to do something like that!
Describing the room was a nice touch, it does help us to know the character a little better, but I invite you to go further/deeper. When you describe things, try to make it so you pack as much meaning into those descriptions as possible. So it's not just the fact that he has a bed and posters and a white dresser that is important to us -- we really don't care about that -- but was his bed made or was it messy? did he have a whole bunch of CDs just laying around? Did he have pictures on his dressers of the speaker (who is yet unnamed) and memories of their time together and friendship? Did he have a guitar with broken strings in the corner? These sorts of description not only gets us to imagine and picture the story as it is happening, but it gives us more insight about the character.
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
It is a really sad little poem, oh my goodness.. It was a really interesting though..
I can't critique this much because you did wonderfully on punctuation, good writing, etc.
I only saw two spelling errors: alowed - allowed and caous (which I believe is chaos?) - chaos. But other than that, you wrote simply beautifully. (I apologize if I missed anything else.. : )
~ GG
Ohh... It's so terribly sad, I don't know if I would read it, but it is good.
'Tears dripped from my face...'
Too common for something so uncommon!! Use something more unique - to match all the rest. Keep it consistent. I found this part much too trite. The whole paragraph really... It should be less forward, more descriptive. I don't mean descriptive as in embellishment, but more descriptive as in more intriguing.
Eh, you should make sure your sentences are eloquently formed. I can't say I like this:
He had liked the outdoors, the stunts he pulled, too much to care about his room.
This is better:
He had been too interested in the stunts he pulled to care much about his room. He always liked spending his time outdoors.
Of course... there are many ways you can put it.
It's pretty okay... The poem is very basic, but you can understand the character who died just by reading it.
I suggest 'polishing' this up a bit.
It's a nice idea though and quite rare to find a story that begins with a poem like that.
Why didn't the match burn up the poem? Just a simple question <3
Overall, I feel like we should be seeing more of what's going on, but it is catching and a hook is a great way to start a story. I have to say I am impressed with your poem too. I like the way it flows and although the use of the end of line punctuation is kind of annoying, I think it is appropriate that he came to the end of his life, and he is completely gone when he has ended all of his poems the same harsh way. You may consider capitalizing the first letter of every line to better match the ancient method that goes along with end of line punctuation. Also, this poem feels very finished. I'd almost like to see it mangled in some way so that the reader/narrator has to fill in what is missing, or guess at it. Perhaps that could add to the pain of the loss because he will never know. It would give an interesting angle to the story too and give us something to be pestered over.
Two dots at the end, watch that. Ellipsis = three and those are for missing information, not pauses.
Hey there!
Jade here for her first review on review day so congrats 'o lucky one! So the introduction to a fabulous novel is the first step in a very tedious process, believe me. But this was a good first step.
I really enjoyed how you pull the reader in with the poem and the line before the poem.
I like it because to me, it's something different.
Okay, the ending paragraph. I feel that you sort of lose the reader a little here. Mainly because it's a little repetitive. I understand you are trying to write you character in a reflective moment that is very difficult for him/her, however I feel that it could have been more descriptive without so much repetition. For instance you repeat this twice:
You can have your character express this in a different ways through thoughts or/and actions.
For example:
Just an example to show your character remembering the late fellow. You have a good skeleton in this paragraph it's just time to add some guts and meat! *winces at bad analogy*
Lady Purple already got you about Fall Out Boys so no need for that.
One last thing before I go! If you wanted to have the lead out periods like: ... then add one more. But if you just wanted a regular old period, you have one to many.
All in all, great start to what is shaping up to be a good story. I'll be looking forward to more chapters. Hopefully this was some help to you and not me just being extremely nit-picky. If you have any questions, pm me or post on my wall.
-Jadefox
Hi! I am LadyPurple! Prepare to be reviewed!
So, I like the concept of the this. It makes me wonder why he did this and I can tell the narrator cares for this dead friend (I'm assuming). But I just want to point something out. 'fall out boys' would be capitalized because it's a name of a band. So it would be Fall Out Boys. And some of the sentences just sound...awkward. I don't quite like the way they flow.
But I did enjoy this and I would like to see more of this story!
Keep writing!
~LP