The Greys and The Greens

by Seastormy

  • Poetry

Published January 10, 2013

I wrote it on a whim,
After indulging in a sin.
Wrote about emotions that spilled,
And believe me, I wasn't thrilled.

Wrote of crushed dreams,
Of people coming undone at the seams.
Of teary, glass-looking seas,
Of an unspoken "Please."

Never in pen, but still just as bold,
Written at an age opposite of old.
It was the rum that started them first,
The poems that read "How the hell does love even work?"

And reaidng them sober,
Makes me realize life's pretty much over.
With cups of bleach,
And fingers down your throat as far as they reach.

So writing became useless,
And a tad monotonous.
But as dark as it seems,
I still appreciate the greys and the greens.
Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Aley
Review
Aley wrote a review Review · Jan 21, 2013

I think you have a great poem here for telling a story and pulling the reader through the whims of your mind. I like how sing-songy the poem is even though it has such a dark nature.

My suggestion to you is to take things slower and focus on one thing at a time. This poem to me seems like it is trying to cover too much in too short of a time. I would like to know what 'them' in the third stanza is referring to. Right now it could be referring to the please, the tears, the seas, the sin, the writing, or even the pen.
Really that's my only complaint. I know some people who would say that this was really telling not showing, but that's the fun part about this poem.

I'm looking forward to finding more of your work.

User avatar
AsortedNoise Review
AsortedNoise wrote a review Review · Jan 11, 2013

The English part of it was great. But I'm wondering what is the plot the poem? Good writing so far but I'm a bit lost when it comes to the summary.

User avatar
AlfredSymon
Review
AlfredSymon wrote a review Review · Jan 10, 2013

Hey Seastormy! Congrats for posting your first piece! For that, lemme give you a review as a gift :)

INSIGHTS:
It's an very nice piece all and all. If I got it any way right, it is your story? It's how you developed writing about romance? Or maybe it's about love itself and the parts when writing was mentioned only illuded the fact that the story unfolds unlikeably? This is a good quality of a piece, letting readers think for a while. I like that :)

Rhymes, okay sure, I think all of the rhymes here are okay, not much of a trouble. But, like, let's see what we can improve. Let the chop-up be done now!

I wrote it on a whim,
After indulging in a sin.
Wrote about emotions that spilled,
And believe me, I wasn't thrilled.

Firsters are very very important. They start the piece so they're mostly the ones to hook readers right in. Now, the first two lines, were, for me great :) . It presents a section of a much bigger story, so it hangs many readers until they realize they needed to read the whole piece :) The third and fourth, though, were not fit enough with those two deserving lines :) Try to insert them into another.

Wrote of crushed dreams,
Of people coming undone at the seams.

The stanza where this one belongs is pretty great, but the first line itself isn't that fitting. Try not to use crushed. Oh, and on the second one, use a comma instead of a period.

Never in pen, but still just as bold,
Written at an age opposite of old.

I like these lines :) I think they're greatly arranged and perfectly embossed. If you know what you did here, do it in all of your lines! Hahaha :)

It was the rum that started them first,
The poems that read "How the hell does love even work?"

And reaidng them sober,
Makes me realize life's pretty much over.
With cups of bleach,
And fingers down your throat as far as they reach.

These lines are greatly executed, but unfortunately they were a tad too wordy. Wordy is okay, but I think the image in your lines doesn't require it. This makes it to much of a song. Try to rearrange instead. Take out a few words and replace it with something better. Also, reading is misspelled.

So writing became useless,
And a tad monotonous.
But as dark as it seems,
I still appreciate the greys and the greens.

This, my lady, is one of the best last stanzas I've read :) For me, of course. I like how things go from nice to ghastly, and thus the use of a tad monstrous in your piece for me rocks :D The very last two lines, too, are quite nice. A good way to wrap everything up.

I think I've spilled enough of my mind for now. I think this piece has many striking verses, though the others which are not aren't very well executed. Try your best to revise and this piece will ROCK!

Yours indefinitely,
Alf :)



As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun