They say love is a powerful word to say
And I learned that it was,the hard way
I wake up,everyday thinking that I can't find love
Until that day,I found her
I thought she was going to be like the others
Saying that she loves me and not meaning a word she said
But I knew when she said it to me,she meant it
Her smile hits my heart like a bullet
Her touch feels like the wing of an angel brushing me
And I thought to myself
"She's the one"
I tried my best to keep her
I gave her everything I had
But when she said those two words
My heart drop in a pool of dark sadness
I didn't want to talk to anyone
All I wanted to do was cry
It leaded me to the point,where I wanted to make that dark decision
I WANTED TO DIE
I never thought I would be in this position,but I didn't care
Maybe if I held that pillow to my face tightly
I would be free and unloved
From this torturing place
But everything is worked out
Thanks to my counselor
Now I'm a new man and I have my love back
But sometimes I still wonder
What would happen?
What would my friends and family go through?
What would she go through?
If I made...That DARK DECISION
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
To me it looked good, but there are some typos.
If you want your crits sugar-coated and aren't going to accept any comments made then I definitely don't see you getting much farther as a writer. Seriously, MHD's comments were well-founded, there was barely any form to this, a lack of imagery and metaphor. I got so bored I thought I was an accountant. Seriously - read some poetry and I'm sure you'll note they don't sound like this piece of trash.
FTW.
Do you honestly HONESTLY think this was good? You were basically giving a boring monologue about your life with absolutely no imagery or metaphor. It was dull, cliche. The ending was pathetic. The structure is hideous, all chunky and fat. It's like you just wrote this down in 5 minutes and declared it a masterpiece!
Yes, I am being a troll. I am trying to troll you out of your sweet little dream that you are writing poetry. This. Is. A. Wake-up. CALL.
Thank you too everyone who reviewed my poem and thanks for the santaz's tips too.But, MHD that was really over-rated dude,seriously. i really felt this way.But to the others thanks alot, you guys really make me feel welcome here.
Sorry if I come across as harsh with this critique. Ahem...
Your style of poetry is boring, concrete like a brick wall. Poetry is the art of words forming images and emotions using figures of speech. It's hard to create anything, because you narrate as though this is prose chopped into ugly stanzas.
The topic itself is done over and over again, by crushed lovers all over the world. The thing that sets the good from the bad ones apart is that they disguise their cliches in metaphors and imagery that make the poem stand out. Unfortunately, you just rolled out a cliche red carpet.
Lack of punctuation. Awkward line breaks. Read some real poetry. Read, read and read some more.
I don't think you should necessarily format your poem into stanzas, as this is free verse, and it can be formatted it any way, so long as it suits your needs. If you want it centered and just one stanza, then that's your choice as a poet.
Well, as you can see, I have already pointed out all of the things I liked and didn't like about your poem in RED! Overall though, I think it's a good poem. I mean, we do read a lot of poems about people losing someone they love and being suicidal, but then it was still a sweet poem, anyway. It does need a bit of work here and there, but overall I actually liked it. I have to admit it's a bit of a cliche, but ah well, it was still good.
Hello I'll be your reviewer for today! Oh and Welcome to YWS!
OKay, so I'm not much of a critiquer on poems, but this was pretty good. Do you write other poetry? Anyways, you could do some adjusting, first, the format. Stanzas, make them like this: Example:
See what I mean? Anyways, this is a deep poem, but maybe you could show more of what happened, and you keep changing tense. I think this has a lot of potential. Keep up the good work!