The Counting Days

by SeaFoam

Published June 5, 2012

In Novel

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Counting The Days

By Seafoam

Chapter 1

 

The nurses stood in front of most of the other patients including me. They had no smiles on their despicable faces. They stepped in front of the fourty of us, all in single file. Getting needles ready they retrieved the fluid ready and stared at the needle. The nurse in front of me had brunette hair with hideous split ends. Her hazel eyes had red, vast lines which gestured she hadn't slept in days.  She was by far the ugliest out of all the nurses. She grinned unlike most of the other nurses. The nurse held my pale white arm and injected it with the fluid. The fourty other nurses also did this to their patients. All of the patients except me fainted with no sign of life. The nurse looked at me with shock and glanced around the room to make sure she did the right operation. Other nurses started cleaning their needles and did not pay attention to her.

"She survived the injection." The nurse pronounced to the other nurses. Still the nurses did not look at her as if she did not exist. The nurse turned back to me and smiled as if this was the beginning of something miraculous.

"I knew something was magnificent about you! Please follow me. I must show you to the head." The nurse grabbed my arm with a tight grip and pulled me out of the strange room. The doors flung open with a push and she hustled me down the blank hall. Screams of pain came from each room as we passed.

"They are just surprised you made it. They still haven't made it in to treatment." The nurse tried to make conversation. I obviously didn't know what to say so I just kept my chapped lips shut. The tiles in the hall seemed so boring and endless. Then we came to a halt and the nurse guided me swiftly in to a wooden door with fine paneling. She knocked hardly to be heard.

"Yes, do come in. I don't have all day so make it quick!" A older man's voice shouted as we walked inside the door.

"She survived the injection. The only one in fact." The nurse tapped her foot quietly. The room was wooden with a soft carpet and a large canvas painting of a naked woman. The paneling on the wood had weird symbols which looked oddly reconizable.  As for the older man, he wasn't so old. He had blonde hair, leafy green eyes, and he seemed very muscular. His facial features were very handsome and he seemed almost irrestiable.

"I am surprised. Did you give her the treatment correctly? If not you will be sent to the nearest treatment room and be the one given the injection." He seemed very serious for such a young man.

"I have been training for five years, longer then all the other nurses. I am positive I gave the treatment correctly." The nurse's eyes never left the young man. The man stood up and walked over to me.

"I would've thought it would be a man. A female will do. I bet, more people will survive the injection. Now, what is your name?" The young man looked deep in to my eyes.

"My name is Charlotte." I answered and waited a few seconds before I could say anything else.

"Well, Charlotte. My name is Dr. Adrian, I am holding a treatment to see who is basically the true blood." Dr. Adrian smiled and turned back to his wooden desk and sat back down in his leather chair.

"How do you feel about killing?" Dr. Adrian looked at Charlotte and I had a mental breakdown in my mind. Did I have to kill someone? Something.

 

 

 

Comments & reviews · 4
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ColleenTremain Comment
ColleenTremain commented Comment · Jun 5, 2012

So is this in first person or third? I kinda got confused. but I really liked the story. :)

SeaFoam replied · Jun 7, 2012

Its first person, sorry! I was really tired.

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roxyask
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roxyask wrote a review Review · Jun 5, 2012

Hello Roxy here!
I dont usually look at chapters, but sure we'll have ago!!
First off you needn't put your name and the name of the chapter in, they're already above :)
I love the opening paragraph, Im a big fan of the plunge in openings!
Saying that theres always things you can do to improve it! :) for example
"they got the fluid ready" I'd prefere a different word to "got", I just find that word quite boring, theres always a better word out there! :)
I would love if you described your nurse a bit more, I've an idea of what she looks like, but I would love a more vivid picture of her! What colour are her eyes, what was her face like? how did she stand?
"All the other nurses also did this to their patients." Theres not a great flow to this sentence, you could say something like-" The line of nurses completed the proceedure in a similare fashion"
You use the word "all" six times in the first paragraph!! There are plenty of better words out there!!
I like the next two paragraphs!!
But I don't really get what you mean when you say--"They still haven't made it in to treatment"
maybe you could clear that up?
"soft lips shut" I know youre trying to describe the girl in the story, but would you really descirbe yourself like that?
I would love you to to describe the office more!
The next bit is very good!
"basically the true blood" for more strength in that sentence, get rid of the word "basically", it would make you sound more definite.
"Dr. Adrian looked at Charlotte and Charlotte had a mental breakdown in her mind." You've switched from first person to third person. You should pick one and stick to it, also you shouldnt put her name in twice.

Over all I really enjoyed the piece! It kept me interested! But a fix of language in a few places and more description would make it even better!! :)
PM me with any Q's
---Roxy

SeaFoam replied · Jun 5, 2012

Thank you soo much! I will really work on this!



Bring something incomprehensible into the world!
— Gilles Deleuze