Published April 22, 2009
I am alone with my breathing
in my dark room
as I touch down where the secrets mesh.
If I thought of you now
it would be wrong,
like stepping on sacred ground.
So I close my eyes
as I rub the lushly tangled sweetness
out from my hidden place,
sparking and glowing, deep south,
washing down into my legs,
making my fingers tingle and tremble.
Going deeper and farther,
opening in,
I'm pulsing and melting into my hand
just like a star,
feel! -
pushing up into unbearable
tremors and
yes! yes
and in this one moment perfectly clear
I see you unbidden in brilliant details,
all your kindness and
my hand stops moving.
I want to give this to you
and I can't,
now or ever.
My star breaks up and dissolves,
fading back into the darkness,
and my breathing slows.
You had no place here.
I never should have touched myself
if this is what it leads to.
My heart beats into the quiet.
I am more alone than before.
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Personaly I like the "in my dark room" line. It helps set up the mood. Stanzas could be used hear, but it is not necessarly needed. How you hear a poem in you're head is how it should be brocken up on paper. You clearly understand the true essance of poetry in here. Some would same there is not enough physicall description and to many thoughts, but not all poetry is images. And you broke it all up very nicely.
I really enjoyed reading this!
Thanks so much for the crit, Mars!
I'll think about the stanza thing.
Let me say, first of all, I absolutely love this, and not just because I can relate to it.
I have two issues. One, the in my dark room line; I think the poem would actually do better without it altogether. Because as soon as I read that, I thought photography, and honestly, it doesn't really add anything. Anyway, see what you think.
Two, I can't decide whether it should be in stanzas or not. Like, I love stanzas, and I think they could help it, but I dunno, I also like it as it is. So I'm on the fence, but telling you so you can think about it and, again, see what you think.
Now let me tell you what was incredibly fantastic.
All of the bits about 'you' just add a whole other wonderful dimension on to the poem.
This, and the rest of this part, are not too subtle, but enough so it's gross. Good balance. And nice wording.
And the whole ending. The whole thing, but especially the ending. It made me want to cry.
*gold star*
-Mars