Sleep Soldier

Hi, I'm Jade and I'm here to leave a brief review on your poem ^^



The first stanza is very captivating, but I saw one teeny mistake. I think you meant curled, not cuddled. It flows pretty well and is very sudden!

The second stanza feels a bit lacking, in a sense, it's well put, but the last line doesn't do it justice. The third stanza, though, is inconsistent. By that I mean the punctuation. The first one had a period but the throughout rest opted for commas, I suggest making it consistent.

The rest of the poem gives a sad vibe, very depressing and full of imagery, very eloquent. The flow throughout this whole poem is pretty good, and my only big critique is the punctuation, you did very well!

Jade

Wow! That's just so superb!!
I loved your poem @Scribbler20. It is so brilliant. The beauty with which you've expressed the dutiful nature and his mindset of sacrificing his life for his nation is truly amazing.
A lovely piece. The idea of the endless sleep a soldier goes into is paining yet wonderful.
The theme you've chosen is a fabulous. And the way you've written is fabulous too!!
We can't express our gratitude towards them when they're alive. But we can do it by respecting their sacrifices and being proud of their martyrdom. Isn't it?
So at last...only one thing that I have to say... So good and fantastic. I really appreciate your wisdom for choosing such a beautiful theme and paying your homage to the departed souls.
Keep it up and Best of luck!!!
Regards
Mahira

Hello Scribbler20 ! Traves here for a quick review.

I love this. It is sombre, but this is lyrical, definitely could be a song. It has a genuine feel to it, you really do want the soldier to rest in peace. There are some spelling mistakes, but nothing big. The free verse form, suits it, although I think the capitalization and punctuation merits more thought. Some sentences end with a period, some don't etc. I think these amazing forum articles might help —
Capitalization in Poetry
Punctuation in Poetry

Now onward to the regular review format.

1. Similes, metaphors other poetic devices— I didn't find any overt similes/metaphors. This is one part you could improve on, since they have the capacity to heighten the emotions or interest of the reader which would definitely serve the purpose in this case. although the equivocation of the soldier's human mother and his motherland/mother earth in he second last stanza was a nice touch.
The imagery was the strongest point, along with the title alliteration and the alliteration in other places are the qualities which I feel make it song-like.

2. Narrative and characters — the narrative is pretty straightforward, and thus emotive, there is no complex thought or wordplay to trip me up. Smart choice of what to say I'd say. I do not have any big issues with the narrative at all.

One part I think was a tad bit confusing was calling the soldier "you" and then referring to him as "he" . Picking second or 3rd person and sticking to it might be better flow wise.

I think I would want a bit more scene-building or some description of the struggle of the soldier to not die for which the "worry not" part is a response, if the whole thing is in 3rd person as that places a sort of distance between us and him.

3. message/meaning — The soldier faces a brave and gruesome death, and is struggling to die, and is comforted that they performed their duty.

All in all, I did like this read because it was simple, emotive, and cohesive.

Keep writing and sharing!

This was an amazing poem! I love it. I love all the imagery, and the way in the opening stanza, you describe the soldier. I can really picture that in my mind, and it helps draw me into the poem. I was a little bit confused by your word choice in the fourth line, however. Did you mean “curled” instead of “cuddled”? Cuddled has a lot of positive connotations, and seems out of place in the description of a soldier.
I love how in the second stanza you describe how everything goes on around the soldier. That’s a great way to show that life continues, even when people die. However, I was confused about the use of the word “chores”. It seemed out of place, especially since in the next line, you talked about the battle. It’s so mundane and ordinary, and everything else is laced with military imagery. Also, when I first read it, I interpreted “the people he vowed to protect” to mean his fellow soldiers, and they were fighting in a battle, not doing chores. I understand what you’re trying to say is that the civilians back home (doing chores) continue to live their ordinary lives. However, I would suggest finding another way to describe it.
The third and fourth stanza are good, but the fifth stanza is amazing. I love the alliteration of “weary wary eyes”. It’s contradictory, and it shows how, even though the soldier was tired, he continued to keep watch over the enemy, and protect his country. I also love the lines “when your mother slept under your watch, / now sleep, sleep on her thundering lap”. Again, it shows the soldier’s care for his country and the people he was protecting, and it also shows he’s been rewarded for his care.
Overall, this whole poem was amazing! I love how you contrast the soldier’s patriotism with his death, and the rewards he gets in death.

I've written stories about world war two. It's my personal most favorite subject to learn about beside dinosaurs.

I really like this! I do think having a rhyming scheme would work better for this type of poem, but then again I think any kind of rhyming, be it musical or anything in between works well for war based poetry. It helps add to the drama, the sad undertones of what it is talking about.

My favorite stanza, though, is the very last one. Its simple, two lines. But damn... that is exactly what bullets and shells did. They disturbed whatever peace men may have gotten from the sleep they could get. It broke whatever silence was left.

Otherwise, grammar is a touch and go subject with poetry. Either you use it, you don't or choose specific things like commas to help tell a story. So not much to mention there!

I liked it. 8/10 on yelp!

- Cow

That was really good. I liked it. There are a couple things. The first one is the last line of stanza one. Should "cuddled around the trigger" be "curled around the trigger"? Personally, cuddled doesn't make much sense. The second one is in the last line of stanza three. "Relived" should be "relieved". But other than that, it looks good.