This was my introduction to my life as a Con-Woman. A two month con and I would have the big corporate savings account all but empty. I would pose as Gabriel Latar. She was an assistant to the chief editor of the Life Magazine, so she wasn’t well known. But she was good. Then David Chris Banchler, C.E.O of New York Life Insurance, had snatched Gabriel up two weeks ago. That’s where I come in. I will pretend to be Gabriel Later and after two months as Gabriel, dear old David will trust me completely. So he’ll let me have access to all his files and information. Because after all, why should I give him a reason not to trust me.
I checked my watch. 5:58. I still had about two minutes to spare. I smoothed my business suit and checked for the bottle of allergy medication. I had exactly the amount I needed; enough to knock Gabriel out, but not harm her. I checked my watch again. 6:02. I peeked around the building, and saw her walk out of the Life building. It was her last day. I walked out and pretended to be fiddling with my purse, but looked up at her, ensuring I bumped into her. Crash. “Oh, my gosh I am so sorry!” I helped her pick up her things. “Oh, no problem. I was so exited about getting my new- hey! Aren’t you Gabriel Latar?”
“Oh, yes, I am. Who are you?”
“I’m Bree Trylla.”
“You’re a role model of mine.”
“Really? Why?”
“You went from being a small assistant to being the assistant to New York Life insurance! That’s an amazing achievement! And you did it!”
“That’s not it though. I want to eventually, hopefully, to be a CEO of a big company.”
“Wow. That’s truly amazing.” I laid on the charm. I had to get her to trust me. “Do you want to go get a bite? I l would love to talk about your carrier?”
“Oh, um, sure, I guess.”
“Cool! Where would you like to go?”
“Would Olive Garden be out of the question?”
“Nope!” I gave her a big smile. Soon we were siting down, and chatting it up like old friends. “Please excuse me, I need to use the restroom. Will you watch my purse?” She stood up. “Course,” I said and smiled. I took advantage of this opportunity and as quickly as I possibly could poured the Zirtec into her Coke. I chewed at then end breadstick. She sat back down.
“Thanks,” Gabriel said. I lifted my iced tea.
“A toast, to your long and healthy carrier!”
She smiled, tapped her glass to mine and took a drink from her coke. About a minuet later, her eyes started to cross. “I don’t… I don’t feel so good.”
When Gabriel opened her eyes, she was in the up stairs loft of my apartment. I had sealed it off, using a lock that could only be opened from the outside and sealing the window with a metal plate. But I had made it as comfortable as possible, with a kitchenette, and TV and stereo, and bed and treadmill. She blinked and looked at me. “Bree?”
“Yeah. I’m really sorry Gabriel. I really like you. I’m sorry.”
“What’s going on?”
“I’m staring my introduction into my con-life.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay, great work here. I've read a number of stories like this one, and they're really actually quite good in my opinion, however be careful. You can get logic holes in them that are hard to fix, and they have a way of leaning on the unoriginal side of things sadly.
Okay, you wrote minuet in one spot instead of minute (
And I don't know what you mean by
Also, your first couple of paragraphs were a bit large dense, and hard to read. I'd advise you to re-read them, out loud yes, and then fix them up and cut them into three or four paragraphs more.
The idea feels good though, if not totally original.
Remember, if Bree is working for the government then it won't make sense for her to do this unless the guy she's going for has information that they can't just take.
Anyway! Watch your logic! Otherwise this was good, it was catching and I read it easily, only good stories do that to me!
Keep writing (Really, do keep writing!)
~Black~
Thanks for your review! Well, Bree isn't working for the government, she will be working for New York Life insurance, an insurance company. And she isn't taking information, shes taking money from their bank account. I'll post more on this soon! Thanks for reviewing!
It's a nice piece, although I don't think you made it empathic. It's plain story without the embellishments of expressions and sufficient descriptions. In fact, nothing in this story was described. That's bad because a reader would like to know how a character looks like, what the location looks like etc.
The meeting of the two characters and the arrangement of a date was absolutely abrupt and perhaps too informal for the context. There should have been a flow of words that EVENTUALLY lead to a date...instead, the blatant conversation just HAPPENED without giving a FEEL to the reader. Your aim should be to let the reader feel the actions and to mentally visualize it as probable to happen in reality. Consicely, my point is that Gabriel agreed to meet too quickly. A little remonstrance from Gabriel and a few appeals from the con would've been a more plausible vignette.
The whole 'gone to the restroom so I'll drug her drink' is cliche and uninteresting. You could have thought of something better.
However, with just a little more imagination and a deviation from rechauffe, I think you could do better work with literature.
Cheers!
Okay. I was going to write more, and it was just supposed to be a quick little blip for a 100 themes contest. I'll try to make it better! Thanks for reviewing!