Ghost Gone Wild - Chapter 1

by Scribble

Published August 3, 2015

16+ Language Mature Content

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Prologue

Anna has been alone and isolated for what seems like an endless reel of monotonous years, left to roam the rotting hallways of an old mental hospital. She gets the odd visitor - curious teens looking to scare each other, avid ghost hunters and then the occasional homeless person who never quite manages to sleep within the miscellaneously stained walls for a whole night.

But, one day, within a group of rather raucous youths, is a girl with short, wrangled blonde hair and a body frame almost swallowed by her boyish clothes. Anna is completely intrigued, and after decades of not needing company, craves a companion.

This little blonde treasure will re-awaken Anna and release her from her worries. She will discover her past and seek those who wronged her, all whilst having a little fun with the world of the living.

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December, my favourite month. Dark and brooding, like the setting of a murder mystery novel. Leaves lay dead and crumpled on the ground, sprinkled with white snow. The sky is riddled with grey clouds. A profound silence surrounds this place. Not a silence where all noise is void, but where it is so dead there is no other way to describe it.

My gaze travels from the frozen ground to stare up at the morbid husk of a building. The rotted out corpse of an old hospital for the mentally insane. Ivy climbs its walls and weeds protrude from the cracks in the cold concrete steps. I don't know how many times I've circled it, wandering if I’ll ever get to see something different. I suppose I could leave, but I wouldn't know where to go, or what to do. Plus, it doesn't seem like the world outside of this little bubble of depravity would be any better, what with the occasional visitor who comes to vandalize or sleep within the buildings miscellaneously stained walls. Of course there are the ghost hunters, laughable wannabes wanting to contact the dead. Sorry to be a killjoy, but I'm far from the type of person to humour them and make door close on its own, or pull a scary face. Although sometimes I am tempted to scream at them to piss off. There was an incident in 1969 where some teens had a raucous party. Alcohol, drugs... sex. Let’s just say nobody has ever held a party here since.

Darkness fell on the old asylum, the moon casting long, haunting shadows. Sat on a swing outside the children's ward, I swing lightly, melancholic. I'm surprised it's not rotting in the ground yet.

I wish I was rotting in the ground, which I am, only it'd be nice if whatever I am now was as non-existent as my body. It would also be nice if I had something to do. Swings get boring. Really, everything gets boring when you stick around for long enough, even your own thoughts. It's like having an annoying child follow you around, nattering away incessantly. I guess it's just my lack of human contact. Not that I wanted human contact. You can say I'm quite anti-social. I did have a best friend at one point, David. But after that I lost interest in friends.

Almost as if somebody had heard my runaway thoughts, my ears picked up the distinct sound of laughing, and something rambling through the surrounding forest. Twigs snapped and leaves crunched with increasing volume. Then, one by one, three rather mischievous looking boys and a girl broke through the trees and into the clearing that surrounded the building. They all seemed to be my sort of age, although two were quite small and scrawny, so it was hard to tell.

The last boy was taller, and looked to be in charge, or at least the one most listened to in their little group. The girl, well, her hair was short, messy and blonde and she sported ripped jeans alongside a plain red jumper. She may as well have been one of the boys. They weren't too far away from me, only about one hundred meters. But that was still far too close for my liking. Standing up, I strode back to the hospital. It was best just to mope in a dark corner somewhere whilst they explored and trashed the place. Just as I entered a collapsing doorway, blondie said something that surprised me.

"Did you guys just see that?" she asked, pointing to where I was frozen in place, now very much invisible to them in my sudden burst of reality.

"Tom, what are you talking about? Stop being stupid" Another replied, clearly being the dominant one in their party. Tom? What a curious name for a girl. She still stared with curiosity and fear. I bristled, why did I let her see me? Silly, stupid Anna. I wasn't used to many visitors, so becoming nothing more than a wisp of air was something not well practiced. Now, thank God, my small, pale frame was hidden from human eyes.

"I'm not being stupid, Jack, I swear to Christ that I saw somebody go through that doorway. It was like lightening, there for only a second before it's gone" she ran her fingers through her wrangled blonde hair, confused and a little annoyed. Cute; I was almost tempted to show myself again just to mess around, but my conscience said otherwise. The dominant boy, who sported a leather jacket, turned to face the Tom.

"How poetic; ghosts aren't real dumb-ass" he said, like he was addressing a child.

"Whatever", Tom mumbled, crossing her arms. Again, she was a sweet little thing. Whilst her demeanour communicated anger, I don't believe he is capable of anything more than a brief fit of annoyance.

"C'mon guys lets go in and look around already" a scrawny, ant-like guy said.

"Let’s go in where Tom saw her ghost. OOOOAAAAAA" Jack made a weird shouting sound that I supposed was meant to be his impression of a ghost. Tom looked less than impressed, but remained silent, still holding her grudge. Really, why was a she friend with these idiots? Maybe they were the only ones to join her in exploring this place. She looked like the kind of person who liked to explore, and wasn't afraid of who she is.

Without another word, the gang trudged up to the dilapidated doorway and stepped cautiously into the hall, which used to house hundreds of deficient and disturbed children. I stepped to the side to let them pass unknowingly. A very strong and choking scent of cologne wafted up my dead nostrils as Jack passed me. Ugh. Never had I smelt something so strong. It was truly odd. Not even a floral scent there.

"This is so creepy" I heard one of them say. I think I caught a glimpse of Jack shivering. They looked around and split up a bit, going generally in pairs, sometimes going into a room alone.

"Dude, look at this freaky doll!" another exclaimed. I wondered over to where they'd found the doll. The scrawny one had picked it up and shoved in Jacks face. He cringed and a flash of fear struck his eyes.

"Get that thing away from me!" he recoiled and staggered back, giving his friend an annoyed stare. I couldn't help but laugh a little. But at my small giggle, both their heads cocked up, and then they looked at each other.

"Did you hear that?" Jack asked. His friend nodded nervously and visibly shivered. They must have heard that. Oops. But I guess I'm not a fan of this Jack guy, so at some point I was going to start messing around.

"Let's look somewhere else" he suggested, walking quickly out of the room. Jack swept his gaze across the room, an inherent fear in his eyes, before fleeing from the room. In that small moment, his previous tough-guy act had fallen away, revealing the fragile seventeen year-old underneath who, really, just had his friends there to make him look tougher than he actually is.

I followed them around on their little adventure for a while, as they looked in at bedrooms and stumbled over things that have been left behind. But eventually, I got bored again. As I swept around the corner to find a muse, a gasp scratched the air like nails on a chalkboard. Dammit, I let my guard down again. Tom stared at where I was standing, but didn't see me. Her eyes were wide in deer-like terror. I hadn't realized she'd wondered off, and stupidly went gallivanting around the corner thinking I was safe, only to almost collide with her.

She looked straight through me, unaware of my presence, but clearly she'd seen something. Her eyes were so confused, they searched for an answer. But in the confusion I saw that some part of her knew I was there. Several silent moments passed. She just ogled at nothing, seeming to get a little annoyed. Her mouth opened to speak, but a voice broke the silence for her.

"There you are, we're leaving now" Ant-boy stood just down the hallway, waiting expectantly for Tom. Breathing heavily, still shocked, she scuttled away. But just as she turned the corner at the end of the hall, she looked back, a deep curiosity set in her grey eyes.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Que
Review
Que wrote a review Review · Aug 30, 2015

Hey Scribbles,
Happy Review Day! :)
Okay, I'm just going to get started here.

Leaves lay dead and crumpled on the ground, sprinkled with white snow.

Watch out, you're writing in present tense! It's alright, everyone has some tense slipups.

I don't know how many times I've circled it, wandering if I’ll ever get to see something different.

*wondering, but she could be wandering as well.

Darkness fell on the old asylum, the moon casting long, haunting shadows. Sat on a swing outside the children's ward, I swing lightly, melancholic.

"Darkness falls" because you are still in present tense! :) Also, it should probably be, "sitting on a swing outside".

You seem to have a lot of tense issues throughout, so just make sure you look over the whole thing, tell yourself, "I'm writing in present tense!" and make a few revisions. I'm not going to pick them all out for you, but they shouldn't be to hard to find.

In that small moment, his previous tough-guy act had fallen away, revealing the fragile seventeen year-old underneath who, really, just had his friends there to make him look tougher than he actually is.

When did we find out that he's seventeen? Also, you should have the entire "seventeen year-old" hyphenated, like this: "seventeen-year-old".

All in all, after a while of Anna being depressed an sitting around, there wasn't too much action. This is okay, and it was still a good chapter. You had some really nice descriptions in there. ^-^
I hope you continue to write more!

-Falconer

User avatar
artybirdy
Review
artybirdy wrote a review Review · Aug 30, 2015

Happy Review Day!

I found the narration refreshing. It could be the details that presented powerful imagery or the way you cleverly developed her character through her interaction with the surroundings. Either way, it pulled me in and maintained my interest until the end. I like that the chapter jumped straight into action and that Anna’s backstory wasn’t revealed right away. You left it as a mystery the readers would love to see being solved. I have no improvements to suggest.

Great job!

Well done, and keep writing.

Side Note: The first three paragraphs count as the synopsis, not a prologue, because they give a brief summary of your book.

User avatar
IceWinifredd
Review
IceWinifredd wrote a review Review · Aug 4, 2015

Not a bad write. It intrigues me to know that the story will actually be told through the eyes of a deceased protagonist. I think the idea is unique and different. I've never encountered such a thing. Anyways, I think you have a good start here. You set the mood of the story well enough and I think you carried out the narration very well. The characters seem real enough even though they didn't make a debut until the middle of the chapter and the ending makes the reader really curious to know what will happen next between the main character and any other character we might run into. One thing that I didn't like is that you didn't take the time to really describe anything. Sure, you gave us the setting of the story: an abandoned mental asylum. But what is it that makes it look so creepy? What is the feeling it gives you when you're in there? You know, stuff like that. There are a lot of loopholes that I believe need to be filled with details and descriptions. I would've like to know more on the narrator's story. How did she die? Why is she there? Also, there were minor misspellings in some places and I'm not sure if this is legitimate, but I think you're writing goes back in forth with past and present tense. I would suggest you go back and re-read this as well as revise/edit a bit. Other than that, I'm a fan of the story already and I'm definitely wanting to read more into this and see how this will all unfold. Have an amazing night!- IceWinifredd

P.S. You might want to check on the punctuation as well. It's off in some parts, mainly the dialogue. I hope I helped.

thank you!

very helpful, i will definitely look through. I will be slowly revealing things throughout the story, don't worry :)

-scribble

You're welcome. I'm glad I could help. I look forward to more. Keep it up! -IceWinifredd



Resistance is futile.
— The Borg