Notably as the storm got stronger, the shadow figure quickly disappeared in the dark rain... It started raining hard again from the new moon, and not a single breathe was pressured there by the black trees. The peculiar fragrance of the shadowy mist had covered the hollow. (And I was surely feeling scared for an unknown reason.) The night was silently cold, also something invisible was blocking my way. I could feel my presence of mind becoming inaudible, and my gut kept whispering, 'mishap will strike (SOON!)' Whatever was happening could not be sincerely expected... (I did not like this chapter overall, not even a bit!) What I surely knew was that the world's hours had already past 13 o'clock and I also knew something not nice was going on... Foggy, breathless breathes passed my whispering nerves....My nerves were whispering: (that) something was staring at/following me (yet if I turn back I see nothing).
(AFTER A PERIOD OF AMOUNT I NOTICED SOMETHING FAR EXPECTED FOR YOU SHOULD NOW PERCIEVE MORE PRESENT ATTENTION)
Silent had been a misunderstanding when I heard footsteps dragging nearby. My head ached more because there was a low volume screaming sound inside myself. A stinking flesh became a close prey and I had surely collapsed for what was occurring. I felt my spirit and soul ended, yet a feeling of endless agony (that I completely turned to the wrong stairs AND YOU SHOULD BETTER UNDERSTAND TH FEELING I GOT). The situation just started suddenly, in a small amount of lifetime.... Something sad was motioning inside me again, but myself I battled, proving something to myself wrong (TRIED DENIAL!.... I kept trying denial but the unexplained curiosity courage kept progressing down. I registered for the peculiar sound which was gone but it's directional perfume still lay a percent pure. I stayed still while barely walking straight, swiftly.
The sound was getting white and clear. (I found it hard to reason why I came out here for nothin, because I could not live the ignorant denials and could not be freed an inch near to heaven from this gothic, restricted, abandoned family hill, just for this small of a reason.)
(I kept thinking, 'Why am I reacting like this? Why did this all start?') I re-mastered my presences, and I could still hear the mad voice of that 'SOMETHING,' and spied somewhere in the dusty opening between the tragic fantasy of the tress... I could now hear pitched whispers coming out from the edge of the limit of my 'hearable' range. (It mighty sang like nothing... Maybe, perhaps because I was not in shape for this whole new climax...) Out here, I tried logic, gazing in-front: I recalled sudden two black figures in the heated smog. (Not that I could certify or make anything out of it because) Nothing could clearly be for-seen, except darkness. THEY MIGHT'VE SEEMED TO BE WAITING...
I simply did not dare to know what moment was waiting, for the first: I did not waste time analyzing. I willed to mime forward , but there a thick thunder streak occurred, which took my memory away (PAIN). The flash had enabled the two figureheads to go missing and here I laid, plain muddled.( YET THERE WAS A TURN LEFT! MY NEURONS RUSHED.)
I SAW A PERSON LYING DEAD! (BREAKDOWN) The headache dreamt! Nothing barrier was there to stop for what I confusedly was seeing, thinking 'APPROXIMATELY DEAD!' His face was on the mud (STILL VERY UNCLEAR!) I just did not know what to do... Small quick breathes were released as I barely felt my heart betting he would die. I mad an attempt for that one second to distract myself. (The place was centered- treeless, bluish and white combination, shattered comet like stars to note down, AND YES! Who could forget the center foreground laid dirty downpour, with the one and a half life dead! nothing much to see...) There was no other motion available for I could only imagine calling 911. I slopped my phone out of wet ashes and took a deep breathe trying not to look at the lying corpse but still thinking if I should make the call. I quickly without hesitation had decided calling them (as I did) and only looked to what to say forward, trying to be calm.
(No Signal...)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello.
Welcome to YWS!
I do not appreciate the way the narrator uses parentheses in the prose; it's very unwieldy and makes the sentences read quite clunkily. It's also rather unnecessary, seeing as parentheses are usually used in order to illustrate side-thoughts, and many of the sentences here do not strike me as side-thoughts in the first place. I can't really understand why you've segregated these sections using parentheses, but it stands out quite a bit, and I think--if your aim was to draw attention to these sections--that they work just as strongly without parentheses. Similarly, the capitalised bits also strike me as having been unnecessarily formatted: they give off the illusion of shouting, but instead of making a grim situation seem grim, they only act as a damper on the scene and make it seem humorous, even over-the-top.
That said, it's very difficult for me to get a feel of the scene, because it's kind of just flying every which way and is rather ... awry. The narrator makes a lot of vague comments, and I'd appreciate it if they were straightforward with us instead of dropping hints--no, not ''tantalising'' hints, or hints that make me sit on the edge of my seat. These are the kinds of hints that only confuse me, as a reader, in a setting I know nothing of, with a character I know absolutely nothing about. There is a degree to which you can drop hints in order to create a dark, suspenseful air. I'd like to get to know this character better, why they're out in the pouring rain. They mention:
My reaction: whaa?? I'd suggest rephrasing this. I think the narrator is trying to say that they suspected something strange was going on and wanted to know what? That they couldn't live in ignorance of the fact? I don't understand--are they feeling oppressed by something? And why? And is nobody waiting for them back home? What is this place? We need rock-solid detail, please.
- ''Notably'' is extraneous and is a word more befitting of a research paper than a novel opening. It might work in a context we're familiar with, but seeing as there is nothing we have really had to note prior to the beginning, it's a word that does not highlight the description as being 'of note' in contrast to things we might not have noted. (Simply: there is no contrast, nothing to compare, so the word doesn't work here.) 'As the storm got stronger...' is a solid beginning on its own.
- ''Shadow'' is a noun. I think you meant *shadowy figure here.
Is this a fantastical setting? If so, I think you could go into a little more detail so we can familiarise ourselves with the world. How does it rain from the moon? The landscape you've painted is surreal and bizarre, but it's also unfamiliar. As the author, it's your job to explain to us stuff that we are likely not to understand.
Nitpick: ''breathe'' is the verb. I think you meant to use the noun, *breath here instead.
Er, you just built on a rather tense atmosphere. It's dark. It's raining. Your narrator is outside in the darkness and rain. Why would they /not/ be tense/scared? Do you mean to say that the reason they were scared was silly? If so, I think this could be phrased better.
Overall, there's a lot of abstract description in this piece that's just flying over my head. Nothing is concrete and I feel like the piece philanders for too long on sights and sounds instead of painting the concrete for us. There's also a lot of bravado that makes the atmosphere fluctuate--don't trust in exclamation marks to make a tense moment tenser. In fact, don't trust in exclamation marks at all. I used to use them all the time, but I now make it a point to avoid them as much as I can! Here's an article on that pesky bit of punctuation--as a general rule, your prose should be strong enough in terms of tone and ambiance to not require fancy punctuation as backup.
Small nitpick--the MC pulled a completely intact phone from the ashes of a person? But they say ''my'' phone, which is confusing, because the MC dropped her phone in the ashes? And this happened when? And how did she know it was there?
Also, if the ashes belong to a person, they should A) have been washed away if it's really pelting rain, and B) the body would be almost completely unidentifiable as a body at all if it's been burnt to a crisp, which makes the usage of the word 'corpse' incorrect.
As of now, I'm just super-confused, so I think that is the major thing that needs working on--clarity! Keep writing, keep it up, and I hope to see more from you soon~
Hope this helped.
~Pomp c:
Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!
Warning: this review may seem a slight bit harsh, but please do keep in mind that I'm only trying to help!
Let's start with grammar, then we'll get straight to the story!
So, the beginning was a slight bit confusing, for a couple reasons: The first, was the fact that you never really explained where it was. In a house? Perhaps in the woods? I think it was the woods going by the fact that there were trees there. There are a few typos that I think I should point out, and then after that we'll delve into the next few paragraphs:
"Notably as the storm got stronger, the shadow figure quickly disappeared in the dark rain..." I myself would suggest dropping the word "Notably" because it just seems a slight bit awkward, you know what I mean? Then afterwards, you use the word "shadow". I think that "shadowed" would be just a slight bit better. Also, I notice that you used three periods to end that sentence, though I think just one period would be a slight bit better. Three periods are hardly ever used except for in dialogue, but even then I think it should be used sparingly.
"...and not a single breathe was pressured there by the black trees." that sentence seems a slight bit peculiar to me, because it doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps if you clarified it just the slightest bit, it would be a bit easier to read.
"The peculiar fragrance of the shadowy mist had covered the hollow." I REALLY liked that sentence. You used some really good descriptions there.
"(And I was surely feeling scared for an unknown reason.)" I'm not entirely sure that sentence is necessary, because there was a shadowy figure right outside, right? I think that's reason enough to be scared, but if I'm missing something, please do let me know. Also, there's no need to put parenthesis in this part of the story, I don't think.
"(I did not like this chapter overall, not even a bit!)" is this an author's note?
"I also knew something not nice was going on..." This sentence is pretty good, but perhaps if you replaced "not nice" with "awful", or "horrible", or something similar it would improve it a little.
"nerves were whispering: (that) something was staring at/following me" I don't think you need the slash sing between "at" and "following". Perhaps you could replace that with "staring at and following me."
"(AFTER A PERIOD OF AMOUNT I NOTICED SOMETHING FAR EXPECTED FOR YOU SHOULD NOW PERCIEVE MORE PRESENT ATTENTION)" Your profile says that you're native to Bangladesh, and I speak English, so perhaps it's just me, but this sentence sounds a bit strange. Also, the capitals aren't necessary, I don't think, as well as the parenthesis.
Basically, I just mean that sort of thing for the rest of the chapter. Now: the writing!
I think that this writing was actually pretty good, though it was a little difficult to read because of the reasons that I stated above. I'm actually pretty excited to read the rest!
Just keep swimming,
-Cups