Without a care, does Ella bear
Spread joy and hope everywhere
Their happiness is beholden to thee,
they might know it not for you have been
A rock, their tides may break over you
but within their concept of time
they cannot see how they erode you, day after day
So Ella bear know we
care
For you and do not sleep among a bed of snares
And by the frown upon your brow,
we will know our trespass
Ere the sadness comes to pass,
like your moon behind the cumulus.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
'Ello! SecreteJournalist here for a quick review.
Nitpicks:
This puzzled me. Does Ella bear spread joy and hope everywhere? If so, change does. If it's a question, add a question mark.
May you go into detail on who 'their' is?
I do agree with dark, you should keep 'care' onto one line.
The idea of snares is thrown in there. Add details leading up to snares.
Did you mean to say 'Ere' or 'Here'? And the last line doesn't make sense to me. Define what Ella's moon is.
Praise:
I do love how you rhymed without it coming off as obnoxious. Some people can't do that... so great job!
The imagery in those poem was also really nice.c:
I hope this helped! I'd love to review more poems from you in the future!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hello and thanks for the detailed review!
I was slightly misappropriating "does" and claiming (I think) the Middle English Archaic meaning purely because that's the way it came out of my head and it sounded ok! But fair enough its probably wrong and just confuses people.
I wrote it for a friend and I didn't need to define "their", but for an audience of strangers I suppose I do, any suggestions without breaking the flow and info dumping?
Haha yeah you're right, the idea of snares was quite literally thrown in, next thing I write I will try and weave it all together so nothing jars.
I also agree with dark
I meant Ere, I didn't bother to check it but I think it means "before in time"
Yeah the last line wouldn't make sense unless you read into the title a lot or were me.
"Ere the sadness comes to pass,"
Before the sad events come to pass
"like your moon behind the cumulus."
Like the moon, which you love (Lunar Loving Friend), passes behind the clouds, this imagery can be interpreted in a way to encapsulate the scenario I am describing.
Thanks Brie!
G x
I suppose you don't HAVE to define 'their', since it was for someone who is indeed a stranger to us. If you choose to mention it, maybe mention if it's friends or family or what-not?
Welcome to the family Science! I am dark, the psychotic sadist, and I am present to review your lovely poem here.
So, it's pretty became obvious that you've got some excellent talent in writing poems. Here's what I saw that I enjoyed the most:
"A rock, their tides may break over you
but within their concept of time
they cannot see how they erode you, day after day"
These lines created an image in my mind as I read, hooking me into the words even more. They flow together in a clean superb fashion, like a river winding through a thin valley... If that makes any sense to you, heh heh.
There is one tiny biy that broke up the poem a little to much however. Lookie here:
"So Ella bear know we
care"
Why does the word care have it's own line? Is it for emphasis? Because I've read it over eight times now, and emphasizing that part just doesn't feel right. If this is what you were trying to achieve, then I suggest this way:
"So Ella bear know,
we care."
Just a little something to think about, it's your work after all./ Kay, aside from some other missing punctuation,(which may have been intentional; you never know with poems!) there wee no other odd blemishes I could see. Amazing job, and I hope to see more by you!
~The dark one.
Firstly THANK YOU! I'm really grateful to you for your time looking at the first poem I have ever written down, this site is amazing.
As for the constructive criticism, I think you're right! This all came out in a flurry and once it was there I wasn't sure what worked so I left it unedited and intact.
"So Ella bear know we
care" < This is in here purely for the sentiment because my thoughts were digressing from my intended purpose by this point. I also thought I was getting a bit heavy, it doesn't work though, so I will try and tweak it.
Punctuation I was just putting in when it "felt" like I should, I will try and do it sensibly next time and I would really appreciate your feedback once again!
Big love and a multitude of thanks!
G x
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