Published January 26, 2010
The streets were complety deserted, it was like one of those post-apocalyptic fiction movie's Jack had seen as a little boy, except this was all absoutlely real, and for all he knew he could be within seconds of death. He ran through the street's, there was litter everywhere, grafitti all over the wall's, and the city had a smell about it, the smell of...death. Death was coming. Jack ran through the street's, nobody was there, but he knew they were coming for him, the clone's, the whole human race wiped out and then ressurected, but only in body, in mind those creatures out there may look human, but in mind everything human had been perged, they were mindless, twisted and zombified, and they were coming for him...he was the last human, in the whole wide world, the last human. As Jack turned around, he saw a group of clone's, in military clothing, armed with handgun's, were patrolling the vicinity, the whole world was now, merely a vicinity, and he ran, he ran so fast, every atom of him aching just to die to end it all, and then he heard a noise. A short, low pitched noise. And he knew what was to happen, he knew, that the human race, would be extinct forever...within second's. And then everything faded away, he drifted off into nowhere, he was outside of time and space, death had come.
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I'd try and be more surreal, that's my only point really. If you're going to be imaginative and out of the box when you write, give it everything and don't let up. Give it your heart and soul. Make it to your mind and not to the real world. That's what defines a perfect piece of Sci-Fi in my opinion.
Good start here,
Ben.
Hi, PenNPaper here.
Without the apostrophe here.
Same here, and 'grafitti' should be changed to 'graffiti'
Change 'may' to 'might'.
That's all the mistakes that I spotted. You have a good story going here, even though it's quite short. Is there another part to this, I would love to read it.
That's all for now, Ciao~
Very Very good, But needs some work, I agree with IMP, You need to stretch it out, instead of throwing Jack right in the middle, maybe start with:
Jack woke up in a small crater, his shaggy black hair hanging over his eyes, his jeans had holes torn in them and his favorite shirt was in shreds, he got up feeling woozy and confused, and didn't know what was going on, but as he looked around he saw in horror that he was alone.
As every good author must learn you need to build up to the main thing, and if this is you're first story then it is EXTREMELY good, but you need improvement, PM me if you want more advice, I've been writing since I was three and know a lot of good hints if you're a beginner.
Ciao SF. ^_^
Firstly, it sounds as if you've an apt imagination--you're thinking of a baseboard for a tale. You have the world, following the apocalypse; you have the slight hook of dropping clones in--clones human but inhuman.
All that said, you've more or less tossed it out all over the screen like garbage, da? It begins (and dodges in and out) of run-on sentences. It is one single paragraph with enough information for afirst three chapters.
Slow down. ^_^ You've all the information you need. But you kill suspense and run roughshod over whomever is reading when you dash like a dervish through all your detail in one long -- or short -- paragraph. Begin by telling it a bit at at time. You know, the reader hasn't the least idea of who Jack is. They don't know what city he's in; or even, if there are cities left. Is there just one then? What vicinity? Does that mean nearby?
As it's all in a single breath, we don't get suspense, the time for curiosity, or a second thought.
For example, your first paragraph --
Oy, try taking each topic that you have and make it its own paragraph. You might describe Jack running; his thoughts; his memories. Then, skip on to a paragraph to describe what's around him. Then weave his surroundings, with his memories, with some of your world's backstory.
'Tis simply rearranging, slowing down. ^_^ Writing a good tale is half in what you say and when. What you have hear is plenty to say, da? Simply strike the run-ons and breakneck info-dump, and tell it.
IMP