Hey there. I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people just call me dreamwalker or DW for short. You can call me whatever you like .
Alright so with my critiques I usually go into a critiquing section which is basically my nit-picks and then I go into grammer and punctuation, character development, setting and description, plot, and then finally, my overall opinion.
So on with the show!
Critique
He awoke to a face he didn't know, with a bed under him that he didn't know and a metallic scent in the air that he also didn't know.
The redundancy of the 'didn't know's' being used in this first sentence starts the whole thing off on a bad pretense. I think I see what you were trying to put across but it didn't quite work out as I think you wanted it to. Here's an example of changing it up a bit:
"He awoke to a face he didn't know, with a bed under him that he wasn't accustomed to, and a metallic scent in that air that left something to be desired."
That way it sounds a little more professional and gets your reader excited about this piece.
It was sharp, it was unpleasant in an austere, discomforting way.
Loving the word austere, very neat. The one thing I would fix up in this sentense is the repetitiveness in the words 'It was'. Take the second 'it was' and replace it with 'and'. Also place an 'a' in between 'was' and 'sharp' and then cut out the first comma. That should do it.
“He's awake.” the face he didn't recognise moved slightly then turned, revealing to his blurred vision only a nondescript blot of brown.
I wont point out the rest but as I was reading this piece, there was been a consistent punctuation error within your dialogue. You have the periods placed in the right areas which is very good but you refrain from capitalizing the word after the period. For example:
The "He's awake." is correct, but 'The' afterwards should be capitalized. If it were a comma and the sentence end with a 'he said' then it would not need to be capitalized.
His eyes refused to focus on more than colour: the dark brown of the person's hair, faint smudges of green that were likely his – or her - eyes, and grey.
As I have said on more then one account, I am not a huge fan of the 'semicolon's' used in literature. We dont speak like that so why use it, am I right? So, I sometimes get a little annoyed with those additions. I dont normally go to critical on those little ones but if they are overused I get a little annoyed. Use them tastfully. You have this one placed on the sentence just below one before it and that to me is overusing. That could just be me being nit-picky, but I just thought I would get that opinion across.
“What's your name?” the unidentified woman (possibly) queried after a pause.
Another thing I didn't like seeing often was the use of brackets. I dont recall ever seeing brackets used in literature and honestly, they aren't at all needed. Just use italics or bolding maybe but not brackets.
It came to his attention that his back ached, that the metallic smell was almost corrosive, that the smear of the woman-thing – Glitch's – face was becoming slightly clearer, that the water tasted too clear, too pure.
This is very run-on. Try splitting it up a bit.
The fingers were a little long and spidery, and he hoped that pallor would wear off - but they were decent enough hands, imperfections aside.
Another thing that becomes blatantly redundant is your use of '-'. I know it is useful but dont use them so constantly because they do become known to the reader after awhile. Readers are very smart.
Grammer and Punctuation
Okay so your punctuation was relatively good other then the redundancy I spied littered throughout the work when it came to dashes and semicolons. Your grammer was wonderful and vocabulary fairly extensive. The only thing you should really work on is that of your punctuation. Once you have that sorted out you'll be just fine .
Character Development
I am intrigued with this character. You started it up on a basis where we cant really make judgements towards what type of person he is. We just think of him as new, blank, fresh like he's still unsure of himself. Very easy and interest way to start up the character development instead of pulling out a personality from a hat. You can create it from scratch throughout the story. Very interesting indeed. That's a thumbs up from me.
Setting and Description
Do to his lack of sight through most of this first bit, we didn't hear much about the setting which was alright do to the circumstances so I wont be too picky in that section. What I really liked about this piece was your descriptions. Very intriguing. A lot of people find it troublesome to make descriptions but your seem to flow into the piece so well. I also give you thumbs up for that.
Plot
So far I dont really see the plot yet but I'm sure it will show up soon and when it does It will probably be great. I'm not necessarily picky in this point of the fiction but you have my expectations up with your wonderful vocabulary and descriptions.
Overall
I really liked this bit. Although the punctuation left something to be desired, it was still interesting and witty. Your vocabulary was phenominal and the character is very interesting as well. Something to leave me wondering. Keep it up and gold star .
PM me if you put up anymore and really good job!
From Dreams to reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Points: 17895
Reviews: 489
Donate