Lip on lip
skin on skin,
breath get hard, harsh, heavy, helpless,
heat rise,
your touch your beat your breath
creeping (little) death,
beside, your hands, your
Eye(s).
Sh-sh-shiver, beneath me,
Beast, sweet
release, heartbeat,
(the beast inside me)
Growl, onwards,
Quick and slip
deeper under the raging waves
Under, ever, the smallest graves
Depth beside, beast inside,
mind wide,
Eyes see what
they want
to see you
(Sh-sh-shiver beneath you)
Freeze and swelter under your skin.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Thanks. And yeah, it is confusing, but oh well. Considering I've never come even close to such endeavours, I was relying on my characters. xD
*stumbles over first few stanzas.
I liked it.
It was over enough that I immediately got a slight picture of what you were 'implying' but it remained lucid enough that it was still a bit fantasy-esque with a definite impassioned feel.
I liked it throughout, usually I just make innuendo and sarcastic remark after innuendo and sarcastic remark, but you pulled off a complete thought, a tile by tile description of some intimacy.
I enjoyed it, thoroughly, and I look forward to more.
work on timing a bit in the opening, I got alot mixed up.
May be my random bouts of dyslexia but hey....
Haha, thankye. I did mention 'the littlest graves' at one point.
The grammatical screwery was deliberate, but I can see why it bugs you.
Anyway I don't feel the need to comment on the rest since I agree with it. Thanks a bunch for your time - I'll bear it in mind if ever I do something similar!
Hello! I'm not afraid of R-rated works.
Interesting start. Immediately you bring us into the action, and it's breathless and sensual with the minimum amount of words necessary. I'm not sure I like the repetition of "breath," though, and the grammatical incorrectness of "breath get[s] hard" and "heat rise[s]" bugs me. But otherwise, this beginning reminds me of E. E. Cummings and how he documented such acts in his poetry.
It's strange -- I feel both a pause and a rising tension from this stanza. I like it.
Again, I like it. Continued passion and excitement.
Interesting ending. It's not necessarily as smooth as the rest of the poem, but it holds some interesting ideas and plays on syntax, so I'm hesitant to try to alter it. What I love about this piece is how vague you are with the descriptions, and yet the words are so full of passion that we get the full image clearly.
Oh! I know what bothers me about the last stanza. The line breaks interrupt too much, I think -- some of the lines are quite short. Now, in one sense, it slows the reader down, sort of like we've reached the climax and this is the pinnacle, the pausing point, and then a descent. I don't know. It's going to bother me, haha.
But I like this. Very sensual. It may not be completely original, but it still is a good poem. I wonder if you could incorporate the "little death" into more of the poem? I thought that was an interesting twist.
Good job.