I'm not the one for you,
Or you for me.
And our love is unfilled,
Or invisible.
That she's doing so well,
I'm not, I feel bad.
Longing with a sigh for,
What I'll never have.
You smile and decide,
Tell me, sugarly, I'm wrong.
The artist hitched a ride,
To which purpose do you belong?
Someday I'll leave,
Binge on tuna fore each eve.
Diminish with protein,
And for who? You, my lean.
Always cared but seldom so,
Compassion is for Sundays.
Were I bearded, "Ho ho ho."
I'm not. Oh, where to go?
I wrap myself under cover,
Solace, away from lovers.
Yawn and turn from the sun,
Sleeping still remains fun.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there <3
This is my fourteenth review and your poem is dated on the 14th of March, coincidence? (ofc not, I chose to review this poem lol). I've seen some Knights rummage a lot of old Green Room works so why can't my part as a damsel do the same? Say goodbye to the Green Room tower (how's Rapunzel btw)!
This was 13 years ago and you've improved by now, but I'm going to start my critique by saying that the beginning's a bit cliche (really sorry). You could experiment and explore a bit on why they weren't meant to be together. A bit of context on why they broke up would really work and help. The lack of it detracted me from the poem because I have on idea what's going on. Even if you don't want to explicitly tell us what it was, you could always conceal it through a metaphor/allusion and we can start analysing from there. Poetry, after all, has different nuances and every reader plays a Sherlock Holmes.
I think these lines were cut off because "That she's doing well" didn't really make sense to me. Are you trying to say that people around you describe you that way? If so, add quotations, dialogue tags, or change the formatting so that we can understand that it's a bit removed from the other lines.
I'm just going to be general here but your poem has more telling than showing. Essentially, poetry doesn't need a story, it needs to evoke emotions. However, I read a post once saying "Bad poetry uses the intangible to describe the tangible; good poetry uses the tangible to describe the intangible." My coin for you is to use the theme of longing, broken-heartedness, loneliness towards the process of moving on, solace, and explore on it. Make those words more concrete and tangible so that even if your readers never felt the same, they could still sympathise and understand what you're feeling. What did you actually do during that time? Make it more you and if you feel like it's still run-of-the-mill, you have the freedom to experiment, exaggerate, romanticise or dance around it.
That's about it for this review! It's a bit short but I don't think specifying things are necessary <3 Hopefully, this is helpful to you and feel free to ask me (if you're still active oop) if there's anything that confuses you : )
I hope that this 2020 you're still writing.