Hi! Here as requested to shred.
I woke up with a start. Someone was watching me. I wasn't sure who and I didn't know why. All I knew was this person wasn't your ordinary, run of the mill stalker. Something told me this person could kick my butt. I had a fleeting thought about my mother being worried then dismissed it. She was too wrapped in herself to care if her only daughter was missing. I needed to slip away without anyone noticing me. I grabbed two outfits. One was my normal uniform: baggy cargo pants and some random shirt. The other outfit was a mini skirt and a cute little tube top. It wasn't for me. It was in case I had to bribe some faeries to leave me alone. I knew where no one would think to look for me and that's exactly where I planned on going. Careful not to wake the guards, while still making enough noise to let my stalker know I was leaving, I made a beeline for the woods that surrounded the palace.
Okay, so first off, I'm reading this and thinking "huh what?" The whole thing needs to be better introduced, in my opinion, otherwise the readers are left confused; you want to start with a hook, but you don't want to throw them headfirst into the middle of the story, either.
Someone was watching me. How does she know? What does s/he look like? How could s/he have gotten into her bedroom? Why might they be there (even she doesn't know, she could speculate)?
I wasn't sure who and I didn't know why. This is me being really pinickity-nickity but I think that the fact that she doesn't know who or why sort of goes without saying. If she did know, she'd be thinking it or confronting them or something.
All I knew was this person wasn't your ordinary, run of the mill stalker. I wouldn't think of any kind of stalker as ordinary and certainly harmless; isn't an average stalker terrifying enough?
I had a fleeting thought about my mother being worried then dismissed it. She was too wrapped in herself to care if her only daughter was missing. Nice characterization but it seems out of place here.
I needed to slip away without anyone noticing me. Why? Why not call the guards, raise the alarm, get the stalker out of her room?
I grabbed two outfits. One was my normal uniform: baggy cargo pants and some random shirt. The other outfit was a mini skirt and a cute little tube top. I dunno...she's irrationally running away from some guy who is watching her and she pauses to grab a couple of outfits? If she's freaked out enough to be running I don't think she'd be thinking about faeries or whatever.
It wasn't for me. It was in case I had to bribe some faeries to leave me alone. Again. What? Faeries? I know this is fantasy but even in fantasy no two faeries (in different books) are alike, so I think this deserves some explanation. In another paragraph, though, not here, as she's currently in the middle of action.
I knew where no one would think to look for me and that's exactly where I planned on going. Careful not to wake the guards, while still making enough noise to let my stalker know I was leaving, I made a beeline for the woods that surrounded the palace. Again, I'm not sure why she doesn't want the guards to know. But letting that go, why *would* she want to alert her stalker that she's leaving? S/he could follow her and murder her or something and it would be a lot easier in the woods than in the palace.
I know that was a lot for just your whole paragraph but I think the problem can be summed up pretty quick. You're trying to cram tons and tons of information into the first part, as if saying: "let's get all this stuff out of the way and keep going on to the REAL story." And I know, these necessary but boring little tidbits are, well, boring, and certainly not as exciting as action, but they should be spaced out evenly so that the readers swallow them without even knowing.
For example: her relationship with her mother. That really has nothing to do with the first paragraph, so it seems the wrong place to put it. However, maybe in the first scene where she's interacting with her mother, that's when us readers will need to know what's going on between them. And then you don't even have to just put it in a couple of sentences; you can show us through their dialog and actions.
What I would like to have more of here is more description of the palace and the woods and even the girl herself. That way, it's easier to get into the story, because the reader can more easily picture the setting. And don't forget, besides the way things look, you can also describe smells and sounds and other cool stuff.
I like the second paragraph because it focuses on the now but again, the running and chasing action-y bits could be well balanced out by description of the forest.
I knew I was being rediculous.
Ridiculous.
Like Critical said, I'm wondering about the stalker. Does s/he come back into the story later?
Okay! So, overall, it's good. I think it's really the first part that needs work; everything I outlined above, plus some work on wording. At times it sounded really stiff and awkward, so I'd advise reading it out loud a couple of times so it's easier to see what needs changing.
The other thing that needs a little working on is your character, Nadalie. I'm finding it hard to get a sense of her, and I think this is because there aren't enough of her thoughts and also because the first bit is a little jumpy. Think about slowing it down, maybe having the forest one chapter and the faeries the second, so you can spend more time introducing her and getting inside her head, and also on description.
Hope this helped! PM me (again) if you need anything.
-Mars
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