Published March 16, 2012
Mother had told her to stay inside the tent,
She never listened to her mother.
She stepped outside; the dust of snow that the night had left behind stung her naked toes. She felt the rush of blood to her cheeks as the wintry air nipped at her flesh. She felt fear, a sickening sort of dread. It ran through her, up and down, causing her skin to prickle, her eyes to well with tears, her heart to sink. She was sad, sad for him. They thought she didn’t understand, but she did. She knew his fate, he was going to die, he had to die, and he didn’t want to die. He though, would not die alone. She would be there to watch, meet his eyes in the last moments of his life, and let him see her, one last time.
She surveyed the camp for guards, to her left Tallis was asleep against a tree his beard soaked in the wine that had led to his deep slumber. She tiptoed passed him, quieter then silence; her escape would not be spoiled before it began. A grumble sounded from Tallis and she froze in place. She turned slowly and whispered softly,
“Tallis,” he didn’t stir so she went on. There was another clearing in the forest a little while off, that’s where it would be, where he would die. An image flashed in her mind, white freshly fallen snow, perfect in every aspect. Except one fatal flaw a splatter of blood, his blood. She shivered, and was about to walk forward when she felt a deadly grip around her ankle. She looked down, Tallis was awake.
“Where ya going little girl,” he snarled, and with his great hand brought her to the ground. She squirmed, fighting to be free from the weight of him.
“What’cha doin’ out ya tent, huh” he pressed down on her belly she couldn’t breathe. She could have cried, screamed, whimpered until he let her go. Instead she focused; let her eyes calmly wander for an escape, when alas she stumbled upon a dagger in his left boot. Her body continued to squirm, distract, while her arm reached for the blade. After some difficulty she had a hold of it. Felt the cold metal within her fingertips. Then, quickly she brought it to his cheats and plunged it through his heart. His blood spilled over her, as his corpse collapsed on top of her, pinning her beneath him. She held his shoulders as she wiggled her body free. She stopped and looked down, but only for a moment, and bent down. She turned his head to the side and brushed her palm across his eyelids. He was only following orders. Then she ran north to the clearing.
When she heard shouting she knew she was close. She came to the clearing a moment later, she saw her mother standing in front of the crowd, she spoke,
“A criminal lives amongst us, he has lied, stolen, and betrayed us, and he must be punished,” shouts of agreement rippled trough the crowd,
“Kill him,” the man beside the little girl yelled
“Take his head,” screamed an old woman, her mother surveyed the crowd her chin was lifted high as it always was.
“As long as I am your queen, treason will not be tolerated, traitors will never live among us, and so they must die,” her mother’s voice was deep and icy. The little girl looked at her mother and thought how impossible she seemed, so beautiful and yet so terrifying. She saw him then, at his knees. His hands were bound and his head hung low. His face was bloody and ruined and he was thin.
“This man is a traitor and must be executed, as an example to all those who dare cross us, dare to defeat us.” her mother summoned Bailer to his station; he pulled his sword from his belt. The crowd screamed and chanted.
“Kill him,”
“Kill the traitor,”
“Take his head,”
“Spill his blood,”
Bailer brought the sword above his head and was about to bring it down when the little girl screamed. It was a cry, a helpless cry, loud enough to silence the crowd. Her mothers eyes locked on her, as did his. He was crying. She felt her self being pick up, she screamed louder. Her mother motioned to Bailer to continue. The little girl shrieked as the sword fell and brought his end. The sound of cold metal against warm flesh and the sound of her shrill screams echoed through the woods. She was being pulled away; she gripped at whatever she could, as if she had anything left. She looked at his body, laying limply on the snow his blood coating its perfect white. Her father’s blood, he was dead now. She looked at her mother then and for a moment thought she saw a tear run down her face, but it couldn’t be real, she had imagined it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Okay a few things before the actual critism:


1) When I read the end and found out it was her father, I was like O.O What the hell?! So good job there
2) I love your descriptions and word choice. This bit :
"She stepped outside; the dust of snow that the night had left behind stung her naked toes. She felt the rush of blood to her cheeks as the wintry air nipped at her flesh. She felt fear, a sickening sort of dread. It ran through her, up and down, causing her skin to prickle, her eyes to well with tears, her heart to sink."
from your first paragraph was really nicely written.
3) This bit:
Kill him,”
“Kill the traitor,”
“Take his head,”
“Spill his blood,”
reminded me of Lord of the Flies, you know, when the boys were hunting the pigs. Ha ha, anyways
Okay the actual criticism. I agree with metal; a story is a lot more attractive and will seem like a more interesting/easy read if you space out your paragraphs more. Its easier on the eyes and really helps the readers. Also, some parts are a tad confusing, but if you add in a comma here and there or just rephrase some stuff than it'll flow a lot easier. Just proofreading it will be enough.
Overall, good plot and idea and I hope to read more from you
nice!!
AhThankyou
Hey there,
To be honest I wasn't really drawn to the story as much as I would have liked to. There can be a couple of reasons for that:
- The story is just one piece of text. I can imagine someone seeing this and being reluctant to read this just because of that. You could avoid this by dividing your story into stanzas. No matter how short the story is.
- Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you've got a hole in your plot. As this little girl is someone of high status, since her mother is the queen, it doesn't make sense for a guard to attack a princess like that.
-You also tend to use 'her' and 'she' a lot. Try to avoid that by giving the girl other names like: the littler girl, the princess, daughter of the queen. This is also a good way to tell the reader more about the main character without making the story much longer.
-There were also some minor grammatical errors, but if I were you I'd try to work more on the above mentioned things, just to get readers interested in your story in the first place.
Finally, you've got a good imagination and a good sense for story-telling. The key thing for you would be to attract readers to your stories by making the lay-out more attractive, especially on this website that can mean a lot. This way you can get much better reviews from different people, maybe someone will think the exact opposite of what I wrote here.
If you decide to re-write or edit this story, I would like to read it again. PM me if you do, or if you have any questions.
- Metalmauzen
thanks Metalmauzen for your review. The story is only an excerpt and i'm sure that's why there's some confusion. I will defiantly PM you when the story is more defined.