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12+

to the bone

by ScarlettFire


Written for NaPo. This is becoming a theme, isn't it? Crit welcome and enjoy!

to the bone

there is something
down here with me
in the deep and the dark;
it's a flare of fire and light
and something screaming,
bellowing,
echoing,
through these old, forgotten halls

please, someone save me
before it burns me down
to the bone


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55 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:56 pm
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MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hi Scarlett!

It's a pretty abstract poem. In the literal sense, it's also pretty straight forward. Someone's lost in some 'old, forgotten halls,' and they want to be saved.

I suspect it could be alluring to the trappings of the mind or aspects of the memory lane that we dread. What we want to be saved from, we fear it — that fear is quite irrational. Or it should be deemed irrational. Must one not be a fool to try to escape their own deeds?

Or somebody really is just stuck inside some ancient place and is in need of serious help.

That's the review (mostly a quick interpretation). Hope it helps.

Excelsior!

~MAS




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Mon Dec 30, 2019 4:57 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Scar! Nite here to review. Funny, I've been going through my NaPos and posting my "greatest hits" that I never got around to posting on YWS proper for some reason.

Overall, I like the imagery here, but I feel like there's something missing. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I don't have a strong sense of what this "something" actually is or where "here" is. I assumed at first that this was a metaphor for something internal (like maybe your own negative thoughts burning you), but then the description says "dark fantasy", so maybe it is some dragon or something. You could either make it a more narrative fantasy themed piece or leave it metaphorical but explain the metaphor a little bit more.

On a smaller note, I wonder if "something's down here with me" would make a stronger beginning than what you have now. It just feels a little more urgent.

Overall, I love the imagery and the ending, but maybe there could be a little more to it. Keep writing! :D




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Sun Dec 29, 2019 8:33 am
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tgham99 wrote a review...



Just a few comments because this is a lovely poem overall!

In terms of punctuation, you use commas, but not periods -- I'm assuming that this is intentional, and serves the purpose of keeping the stanzas within one continuous train of thought. I personally don't mind the use of commas/lack of periods, but for the sake of clarity, you may want to consider adding a period in the last sentences of each stanza to sort of tie everything together.

Aside from that, I am a big fan of the verbs you used in the first stanza; I think that they do a great job of setting the dramatic, frightening tone that you're trying to convey.

All in all, great poem, and I hope this review was at least a little bit helpful! :)





Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter