z

Young Writers Society


12+

if not for you

by ScarlettFire


if not for you


i chose the place where
i would rest, before i see another day;
moonlight fading, dawn approaching--
it is with great regret,
that i did sleep for a thousand years,
and might have slept a thousand more
never waking, if not for you;
you sought me out
and called my name.

if not for you,
i would have slept until
the ends of time,
unaware of a world on the verge
of war, famine, apocalypse;
a cycle of rinse-wash-repeat.
i had grown weary of it,
retreated out of ennui, boredom;
you brought me to life again.

but i can never have you;
you want my curse but that
curse is not for you;
blood, blood, blood,
that is all i desire,
it doesn't matter if it's yours
or anothers--
to be honest, i wouldn't care;
i wouldn't wish this life on anyone;

if not for you,
i would still remain here, forgotten.

eternity is a long time
for us to realise we can't die.

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52 Reviews

Points: 308
Reviews: 52

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Wed Feb 08, 2017 2:00 am
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Sillia wrote a review...



Sillia here for a review!

I love this poem to much. Way to much. There is a lot of emotional energy in it and honestly really connects with me right now. Would you mind if I shared it on other websites such as instagram xD I'm sorry I love it that much. I relate to it in a very different way but either way I think you obviously have a lot of talent to write something like this. I am very glad That i got to read this writing :)

One tiny thing that kind of bothers me is the fact that like the first letter of every stanza isn't capitalized. But you know thats just me. I do love it though!

Thanks for such an amazing read!

Keep Writing,
Sillia




ScarlettFire says...


Thanks. I'm glad you love it, but I'd prefer if you don't share it.



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1274 Reviews

Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

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Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:46 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there ScarlettFire! Niteowl here to review this poem.

Overall, I feel like this is an interesting story. I think it's about a vampire who had chosen to retreat from the world but was somehow awakened by a human. They care about the human but lament being stuck in an immortal life, watching the world do the same thing over and over.

it is with great regret
that I sleep for a thousand years,
and might have slept a thousand more,


There's some weird tense-switching happening here with the use of "sleep". The rest of this stanza is in past tense, so it should be "slept". But then again, the repetition of "slept" could be awkward. Maybe "did sleep" would work as well?

unaware of a world on the verge
of war, famine, apocalypse;
a cycle of rinse-wash-repeat.


Love these lines. They just emphasize the cyclical nature of humanity and how we're doomed to repeat history's mistakes. However, I'm with the previous reviewer about the use of semicolons. Then again, I'm not a fan of semicolons in general, so take that with a grain of salt.

if not for you,
i would still remain, forgotten.


I think the comma here is awkward and not necessary.

The last two lines are really good. A beautiful and haunting ending.

Overall, I really liked this. Great poem to get me that next red star, haha. :P Keep writing! :)




ScarlettFire says...


Thanks for the review, Nite! I did notice the tense slip, but wasn't sure how to fix it. Thanks for the suggestion! Ohhh, that comma. I think I was considering putting "forgotten" on the next line then decided not to. That, or I'm missing a word. Hmm. I'll go fix that. <3



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21 Reviews

Points: 200
Reviews: 21

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Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:21 pm
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Frinderman wrote a review...



I would like to say from the start, I loved this poem and I personally found it beautiful.

So I am not the best reviewer but I will try my best!

1. First off, I cannot tell if your first line is part of the poem or if it is the title, if it is the title then it isn't necessary to be there.

2. Your use of the letter "I" changes several times. I would advice keeping all of them either capitalized or lower case.

3. I think you have an over saturation of semi-colons, as well as many of them not being necessary.

4. I like the image you are creating with this poem however I feel you ought to be more descriptive! If you can add more imagery it would really improve your poem. Also, some parts could be emphasized better, for example, you mentioned a curse. I can understand what you were talking about however it wasn't very clear.

Overall I felt this was a wonderful poem expressing ones feelings and I loved the the impact of the last stanza especially.
Have a great day! ^-^




ScarlettFire says...


Re: first "line". It's the title. If you look at every other work else I post, you'd see that that's a standard for me. ^^ Thanks for the review. I'll take your suggestions into consideration.




Chickens are honestly little dinosaurs. And they know it.
— ChieRynn