fierce and proud
she dances, there beneath the skies and
in the dark spaces between the stars
where gods and devils do reside
and seek to split a young girl in two.
there, she sways like a tree in a bilzzard,
snow billowing about her like cherry blossoms
and rose petals; there be dragons here,
fierce and proud.
she dances, there beneath the skies and
in the dark spaces between the stars
where gods and devils do reside,
seeking souls spilt in two with lies.
there, she sways like a tree in a bilzzard,
snow billow around her like falling leaves
and dancing wisps; there be dragons here
fierce and proud.
she dances, there beneath the skies
and in the dark spaces between the trees
where gods and devils do reside,
darting about like falling leaves.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Scarli bbz! I'm here to give you a review!
I really love some of the imagery that you're bringing to the table. You do a great job of bringing fantasy into a poem that also is firmly grounded in natural imagery. Your sense of meter is refreshing, as well. I was going to say that I wasn't a fan of the way you put extra verbs in ("devils do reside"), but I actually really like what it does for the way this sounds.
That being said, there are a few things that could be changed to improve this poem.
First, I've just got two nitpicks:
1. You've got a typo in both instances of the word "blizzard."
2. In the second blizzard stanza, it says "snow billow around" and I think you missed the "s" there.
Just wanted to let you know~
The biggest thing about this poem that I would change is that it doesn't really go anywhere. You've got imagery and meter, but the content of the poem is mostly repetition. There's nothing wrong with a little repetition, and in this case, makes the poem feel like a prophecy more than a poem (which is lovely, and fits in with the fantasy theme). However, it's stagnant. There's no epiphany or real change within the poem, and it leaves me wondering what it was all for. I suggest you have the dancing girl have some sort of realization or something, maybe a change in the dance? While the location of the dance changes, it doesn't change enough to illustrate a change in point of view or an epiphany.
With the format of the repetition of the "she dances" line, I like the way you formatted the last stanza, with the "and" on the following line. Ending a line on a preposition has its place, but in a more traditional-feeling poem like this, I think it's wise to stick with convention and place the other two "and"s on the beginning of the following lines as well. Ending lines on strong words is a good rule of thumb, and "and" is not as beefy as "skies."
Overall, I like your imagery and meter, but I think this needs to go a little farther. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting! ^_^
Hey there, ZeldaIsShiek here for yet ANOTHER review on some pretty interesting poetry! Today I have a few things to bring to the table, but I'd first like to start with a question; how long did it take you to write this? I can tell you didn't just write it quickly at the end of class, or just quickly think of a theme and go from there in 2-3 minutes. This is some fine work. That's all; let's begin!
The first thing I noticed when reading this poem was that it was very complicated. What I mean is the poem was not a simple poem to grasp and was much more complex than I had at first anticipated from the title and description. I really liked the metaphors in this one and I thought that you used A LOT of similes. Not my choice to use so many, but every writer has a different view on their art.
As for errors in grammar, I could not find many if any. I really enjoyed your unique view on... The theme... XD I didn't really get it all that well, but I have my own incompetence to blame for that. Either way, I really enjoyed this poem and really think you deserve one more follower. I hope to review your work sometime in the very near future! This has been my review. ZeldaIsShiek, out!
Hello there. I hope to give a fair review.
I don't know much about fantasy poems. So it is just a short review. The last line of first stanza seems to break the flow. The third stanza goes direct. Maybe 'so' or 'then' before the first word of the third stanza will work. Not sure though. The last line too is not making clear meaning. Maybe 'which' or 'that' may work. Otherwise, the poem is good. Nice work!